A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for five months, best friends for two years, and have known each other for eight. He had an abusive relationship where they both did bad things before me, and I knew a lot about it buI didn't know everything. He felt like he was lying to me and so last night he told me about how his ex-girlfriend, whom he never loved and didn't respect, gave him oral sex.At the time it wasn't a problem but we're both virgins until marriage and he is my first boyfriend. I had saved myself for him, whereas he had all of his firsts with his ex (and she was his firsts too,) in, at this point, every single thing except actual sex and actually loving the person.It doesn't affect my feelings for him but I feel terrible seeing the scenes play over and over in my head. I had been looking forward to sharing those firsts with him, but now she's taken that, too!She did some horrible things to him and to me (being the female best friend, she manipulated and screwed around with my emotions frequently) and to know she has taken ANOTHER thing away that I can't replace is infuriating me. What do I do?
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best friend, both virgins, ex girlfriend, his ex, oral sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): she didn't take those things away from you because you weren't even in the picture at that time!
there's nothing special or magical about being the 'first' to do this with someone or not. I mean sure there is some significance attached to it, but it's really not that much in the grand scheme of things. You're blowing this out of proportion.
most people eventually end up with partners for the long term, who were not their 'first', it's not a big deal.
A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 You can't dwell on the past... But should look forward to all the "firsts" between you and him!
That's what I think every single day with my partner! My ex doesn't even enter my head about what it was like before on those "special" firsts and hasn't since I read your post!
I like what another poster says about ger first kiss, I Renember clearly my first kiss with my boyfriend, the first time I saw him dressed up, woke up next to him - I remember exactly how it made me feel... And that's what you should focus on!!!
Good luck to you!!! I'm sure it will go well :)
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 October 2011):
 I think you are assigning way too much value of being first in line with him for certain experiences.
What happened between them as a couple is over. He moved on and chose you.
Focus on what you have, not on what you did not get first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Once a first is gone, it's gone. That doesn't make his first with YOU any less special.
My husband was not my first. But he is by far and away the best. I wouldn't go back to that first guy, no way. Plus, if she was abusing him, then his time with you will be 100% better because he loves you and you treat him with respect!
To get it out of your head might take some time, but at least he was honest with you now. When the image comes in your head, just say "the past is the past," and focus on something else.
I don't remember the name of my first kiss. I don't dwell on my first time having sex. But, I daydream about the first kiss with my husband, we often cuddle and remember together our first time having sex, and those memories are precious. I don't even think about the times before, because they do not hold the love and joy that I had with my husband. She may have been the first, but if you marry then you will be the LAST FIRST, which is even better. :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 Re-evaluate what is most important to you, him or his virginity. Then it will all become much easier. We have a knack at making our lives more complicated than they actually are.
He had sex, big whoop. Yes, it can be important, and it will be important when you and him have sex, but is it really important if he had sex before? Does it change his love for you? Are his morals impossible to combine with yours? Do you not love him anymore because of this? It is as simple as deciding what is more important to you, him or his virginity. If virginity and "purity" of body and mind is important to you, then he's not the man for you. If HE is the one who matters to you then it will not matter at all what he did in the past.
And you can blame the ex, but he's just as guilty for doing what he did. However, it's his business what he did, and they are his actions to live with. But, did he lie to you about it? Did he pretend he was a virgin, and then suddenly dropped this bomb on you? Because then it is a matter of lying, not a matter of virginity.
If he lied to you you are well within your rights to be pissed off, hurt, upset, angry. How he responds to this, what he does to "make up for it" is what would be crucial, at least to me.
But, people make mistakes. People mess up. It is a matter of finding the person who's bulls%&t is worth putting up with. Can you forgive him for lying to you?
And, how important is virginity to you? If you want your first time to be with your husband who is also a virgin then your choice is easy, you must leave your boyfriend. And, if this is important to you, so important that you will regret it your whole life if your first time is with someone else other than a virgin husband, then you definitely should live. Your dreams in life are important, and you might very well end up hating him over time if you feel you were forced to give up your dreams for the future because of him.
Judge what is more important to you.
Not that this is the exact same, but I have always wanted children. I got engaged to a man who afterwards told me he never wanted children (funny enough he's now dating a single mom). Anyway, I thought then that as I loved him I should give up on my dream to become a mother. I was willing to sacrifice that for him, because I was young and naive (19). We later broke up, and I could find myself again, and find my old dreams again. Some were broken forever... as that naive trust in never dying love was gone. However I realized something important: you must NEVER sacrifice your dreams for someone else. I was willing to sacrifice one of the most important things to me for him... He wasn't worth it. I do not think any man is worth that. And if your dream is to be with a man who is a virgin until marriage, then no man is worth giving up on that dream. Hold on to the things that are important to you.
So find out what is important to you. Your choices will then be a lot easier to make.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Well, think of it this way. She took the firsts from him, but you took HIM away from her. Guess what? We guys are pretty simple and logical when it comes to this thing. If we like someone we go for them (usually). Your boyfriend loves the way you do everything. There's a 99% chance he's hoping you do these things even more often because you are better than she was at it. HE LOVES YOU. The first girl to ever love. Isn't that something to be proud of?
Show him how amazing you are. Guys like girls who are good at those firsts. You are OBVIOUSLY MUCH BETTER than she is otherwise he wouldn't be with you. He can't change the fact that it happened, but you can realize that since he is your boyfriend he obviously loves the way you do it.
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