A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months now and we've been friends for six years. He was with his ex-girlfriend for two years, lets call her Erin they had a very intense relationship which ended 8 months before we got together.They decided to attempt to remain friends, which on paper I have no problem with. He's friends with most of his exes and his relationship with them has never bothered me. His relationship with Erin however is a different story. They tend to communicate by text for the most part but will talk on the phone anything from once a week to once a day. It's been just over two years since they broke up and she still texts him most days to tell him how in love with him she is, that she wants him back etc. This along with their topics of conversation makes me very uncomfortable; they talk about the past, about the future they could have had and are generally flirty and giggly(my boyfriend is a flirtatious person anyway, it's part of his personality and it's not something that generally bothers me but I think he should be making an effort to control it around people such as her). He's always telling me how attractive he still finds her, saying he's going to call her to hear the sexy way she says his name.. These are supposed to be jokes but they really get to me. Plus he's always talking about how devastated he'd be if she got a boyfriend. I've brought the fact that I'm uncomfortable and the fact that some of it's inappropriate a number of times and he just doesn't understand. He claims he's over her but I'm not sure I believe him? He doesn't appear to miss her when they don't speak and it's very rare he initiates contact. Plus his friends have all told me that he wasn't half as crazy about her as he is about me, his actions suggest otherwise though. It's very weird.I'm tired of arguing and I just don't know what to do, everytime I bring it up all I get from him is, 'You're being pathetic' or 'Oh, I'm sorry I managed to stay friends with my exes'. It's really upsetting me though, making me paranoid and I'm generally a trusting person (for example he's a model and gets a lot of attention from women when he goes out which I never worry about). Any advice would be appreciated.
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broke up, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, q1605  +, writes (9 October 2009):
 He is still in love with her. Break it off and he will cross right over and be with her. I'm thinking 24 hours. Maybe 48. If she is out of town.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  + ♥, writes (9 October 2009):
 Do you two live together?
If you do, then you have a problem, because you will need to move out to prove your point. If you don't then all you have to do is break up with him.
People can only treat you how you let them. No married person would ever put up with this, why should you. He is disrespecting you. You have already had the discussion that this upsets you. He is stating that he doesn't care about your feelings and that he puts her first. I would call his bluff and walk away.
If you stay, you are giving him full permission to carry on because he doesn't understand that "as soon as she told him she still loved him and wants him back" - she stopped being *JUST* a *Friend*.
The reason why you should break up with him is that he does know that. He is just putting her first.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady + ♥, writes (9 October 2009):
 She's stepping over a line with all the declarations of love and your boyfriend should have put a stop to that a long time ago. That's just disrespectful. I wonder how he would feel if your ex was doing the same things she's doing.
I suggest that you tell him that you find it very disrespectful that he goes on with his ex in such a way. Let him know that this emotional affair/ego stroking that he's getting from his ex is hurting you and damaging how you feel about him. If he blows you off again - and he might - then you need to reevaluate if he is the guy for you. He should really take your feelings into account on this issue.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 + ♥, writes (9 October 2009):
 It sounds to me like he's still carrying on an emotional affair with her while he's with you.
Unfortunately one has to wonder what Erin is offering him that you aren't. Are you not flirty enough?
It seems like your tolerance for this nonsense has reached its limits. The best solution for this is simple: maybe you ought to tell him its either her or you and him constantly flirting with Erin (not the other exes but just her), is causing you a great deal of emotional pain.
If he does truly love you, he's going to either have to cool it down with her, or just ask her to stop communicating with him.
Right now, I think, he's letting his ego get stroked. Perhaps more is being stroked, but I think its largely ego.
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