A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Ok-I was married-had an affair with my friend-also married. We fell in love. Decided that remaining married and carrying on with each other was wrong-so we confessed. I seperated from my husband and am now divorced. She begged, pleaded, guilted him into staying yet he cannot give me up-she has known all along. Finally, I said I was done-he either had to move out or leave me alone because I could no longer live as the mistress. I started dating - I refused to see him and he finally moved out. Neither of us have small children-his youngest is 16 - mine is 18. She just will not stop begging him to come home - browbeating him - threatening him - me. She interrupts every plan we have to spend time together by having some kind of meltdown or crisis he needs to attend to. She calls him at work - at his apartment - all the time at all hours. The only way we get peace is to leave town but our jobs and families are here. We both feel by moving, our kids would feel abandoned. I beg him not to spend any alone time with her for a while but he keeps hoping to get her to acceptance. He is stressed to the point I am worried about his health. My ex and I have become good friends-we work to keep our friendship and makes things the best we can for our kids. He wants that too but I just don't see that happening with her. What can we do without being cruel?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe both were in marriages in which we loved our spouses but were not "in love" with our spouses. Something very important was missing in our lives. I know he loves and cares about her - if I didn't think so, he would not be a man I could be in love with. I love and care about my ex - he knows that as well. The ultamatum was to get him to make a decision. I did walk away from him - I did move on - I joined an online dating site - paid for six months-was actively dating- it wasn't a ploy. It was a push on him - on me - to end the mess we were living in. I was fixing my life. He moved out into his own place. Not just to be with me, because I could have already been involved with someone else. He moved out because he couldn't be with her anymore-not as a husband. I did not want to be any man's mistress. Is that wrong? BTW - I never chased him to begin with. We both are equally responsible in this. He made the first move and I should have said no, not going there. I didn't and I take the blame for that. Neither of us were happy in our marriages or this would never had happened. We married the wrong people - for the wrong reasons. Hindsight is great all the way around but what's done is done.I am not heartless. I know the hurt and anguish we have caused simply by falling in love. I know how it feels to be the one rejected. How bad that hurts inside. I sound clinical because this situation has been going on so long for all of us. I can understand her hate for me - I get it. We all need to get to acceptance of something. Neither of us wants to add additional pain but maybe distance for a while is what is needed to get her to acceptance.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): I think it will be very difficult for you two to make his ex wife just accept what has happened. If he was your friend before the affair, i imagine she was your friend too? So it has probably been very hard for her to accept it all and move on.
Imagine you now give 18 plus years of your life to this man and in your way you love him. Then he has an affair and leaves you for a friend. Do you think you will cope much better? Because i doubt it.
It is an uphill struggle to recover from betrayal. And thought she doesn't fit in with your plans and is a loose end you would like tidied away. You have to try and understand that your actions have immeasurably hurt her and their children. So with respect if she is being a 'problem' then to a degree, you have to own it and suck it up because it goes with the territory of affairs and broken marriages.
The only thing he can do to make her fully understand it is really over... is to ignore her. Responding every time she calls is HIM not letting go. It is as plain as day! Until he accepts what has happened, turns his back on her and moves on, she will always be there.
I think the reason he hasn't turned his back on her is because he still retains a certain amount of love and compassion for her. But he needs to make a final decision one way or the other and act on it. Rather than tread water while he keeps his options open. He is not prepared to let his wife move on. And that is not healthy for any of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): Its not what 'we' can do its what he and his ex can do.
He needs to stop responding to her crisis calls. In fact as his child is 16 he can communicate direct with them surely. The child is old enough to make plans for contact.
Yes his ex is upset and I can completely understand why, this sadly is the true outcome of cheating. She needs to move on and find some well deserved happiness and peace so the less they have contact at the moment would help her get over him.In time they may be civil but the wounds sound too raw just now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): Do you not think you have been cruel enough to her? You stole her husband from her, do you not think that wad bad enough or you just want to dig the knife in just a bit deeper? She is hurting so so much right now, they were married for a long time and how nice of you to give him that ultamatum of her or you so he would leave her. You had no right, you had no right going anywhere near this married man in the first place. Do you have any idea of what you have done and how much hurt and pain you have caused this poor poor woman? Believe me its not nice and she will be struggling right now. They were married a long time and weather you like it or not he will always care about her, even still love her and will want to be there for her if he can.
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