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His brother died recently but hes angry at me all of a sudden

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 April 2014) 7 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, *keez writes:

Hi guys and gals!

Hopefully theres someone out there who can help give me an insight into a problem I have.

I started dating a guy about 2 months ago and it started off brilliantly. He initiated contact with me and we communicated for a few days, he was very sweet and lovely towards me. I then found out that his brother had died only about a month before of unknown causes and I genuinely liked talking to him so didnt shun him away when he told me. We met up about a week later and at first I was put off because he was too sweet to me and caring as all ive ever really experienced with guys is flakiness and rudeness. After a few dates I really started to warm up to him. I met his mum, he met my parents and we planned for him to meet my sister soon.

Everything was going really smoothly, we planned days out and I went over to his and stayed over. Only about a week ago it started to become different. He has trouble sleeping and only gets about 4 hours a night so he is more tired in the day and becomes a little grumpy. I understand why he has his days were he feels sad and wants to be alone and I wanted to make sure I was trying to keep his mind of things when we met up and if he wanted to talk about his brother I let him, i never initiated it because he told me not too and I didnt want to anyways as I didnt want to upset him.

He started to become snappy towards me and angry very quickly over trivial things like which film we were going to watch, he became impatient with me. We had a bbq with his friends and what I thought was a friendly debate about a certain building which i thought was a hotel and he said it was a block of flats his dad used to live in, he turned around and accussed me of calling him a liar .

Hes been away for 2 days at a farm with his mum and I misread a text of his when he said he was going to go to bed but had no signal so he said goodnight then. I saw he was still online and just said 'oh you got signal still' he accused me again of calling him a liar about the signal, when i then told him that i was sorry i thought he said he was in bed at the time and misread the text. Now hes blown up on me basically saying Ive made him so unhappy and he doesnt need someone like me in his life putting him down. I was severely upset by everything he said to me and he accused me of being stubborn when he wasnt even believing my apologies for making him mad, even though I still dont understand how I did so. He told me that no sarcastic apologies are going to work. Theres only so much i can put in a text and he just said he was done, and fed up of me.

I know hes angry about his brother, but everything I've tried to do to help hes thrown back in my face in the matter of 2 days.

I know Im not a bad person and I do care for him a lot but hes turned on me very badly and I dont know what to think or do about it. He says he wants space so Im giving it to him, but I feel very cut up with how he spoke to me. I understand he is angry and upset but landing it all on me isnt fair to me and I dont want someone like that who does that in my life but I dont want to never speak to him again as I know hes stressed and his mind is probably clouded and clogged up =[

please help.

thank you

View related questions: liar, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014):

The best case scenario is, you are his nearest and dearest and he is taking out his feelings of pain/anger on you. Two months into a relationship, it does seem way to familiar for him to feel he can. IF that is the case, you have to stick up for yourself immediately. You can say to him "It is not OK for you to speak to me like that". That is it, you don't need to understand why, or analyse what he is doing/feeling, you just tell him it is NOT OK. Because it is not.

A long time ago I was grieving and took my anger/pain out on my child by yelling at him but he stood up to me and told me very strongly it was not ok. I stopped, I reflected on my actions and I respected him immensely. I also never did it again. He made it clear, 'he' would not be treated disrespectfully, no matter how much hurt 'I' was feeling.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (21 April 2014):

YouWish agony auntI have to agree with Cerberus, though I'll put it more gently:

He is in no place to have a relationship. When you came along, you were like alcohol or Valium or whatever people use to salve their pain. You can't get drawn into caring for him like a lost puppy, because that isn't what he is. He is using you, and when you actually require that he act like a guy in a relationship, he turns on you in fury.

I would tell him that he profanes the death of his brother to use it to emotionally manipulate and blackmail you, and that you're through being his whipping post. Tell him he needs help, and that you're not sticking around.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014):

You need to stop letting the death of his brother be an excuse for him being an asshole to you. Dump him, right now.

OP the death of a loved one doesn't make people controlling manipulators.

This guy is being abusive and controlling. Like they all start off he was the sweetest guy in the world but now his true nature is coming out.

OP come on now "Ive made him so unhappy and he doesnt need someone like me in his life putting him down", "he's done and fed up with me", "hes turned on me very badly", "isnt fair to me and I dont want someone like that who does that in my life" Seriously? You're just going to allow him treat you like that because his brother died? Then it's no wonder you meet so many flakes if you're this much of a pushover.

Apparently we can do whatever we like to you and you'll just make up excuses for us and accept it.

Let me ask you, OP, if he didn't have the brother excuse you think makes everything okay, then would you accept this kind of treatment from a guy you've only been seeing a couple of months?

You know you'll be lucky if after his "space" he's even bothered with you anymore. Even if it is just the grieving process that is making him like this then why would he really want to be with a woman who can't stand up for herself and tolerates being abused?

I know I wouldn't, I know being with a woman like that would only make me feel worse because I'd know I'm hurting her and she's not strong enough to stand up to me.

The best possible scenario here is that you're right and he's not normally a vindictive dick, but that then means it's even more important you walk away and stop being his source of embarrassment and self-loathing. You really think he's going to feel good about how he's treating you if he really is a nice guy? Then it's on you to stop putting a guy in that position, a position where he's just going to keep building regrets and guilt.

The best case scenario is he's just not ready to be with anyone and you're actually making the grieving process a lot harder by not walking away.

The reality is though I think he just wanted some pussy to take the edge off, a distraction to make the grieving process easier and in you come wanting to play Mother Theresa and he found a willing fool who will actually let him treat her as bad as he wants because she's a little too "understanding" about the whole brother thing.

OP there is no variation of this situation that is worth continuing. None at all. you're the one who is here asking for advice so it's your side we're on. This guy has nothing to offer you but some sweet words and a hell of a lot of feeling bad about yourself. Get out now before you really start to convince yourself you're a bad person. You need to protect yourself here and move on. You're not being a good person here by playing the martyr, OP, by allowing this situation to continue you're actually doing a bad thing. Time to do the right thing and let the guy grieve in peace, next time don't go for a guy going through such emotional turmoil.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014):

I think grieving makes people behave in strange often not very nice ways to people closest to them. My male friend's mother died and we went to the funeral in a group of people in the same car. On the way there he asked to stop at a supermarket for some sweets and mints. At the supermarket I bought a muffin and someone else a sandwich which I procedded to eat in the car. I did ask him if he minded and that I would eat it later if me eating it would offend him in any way. He very clearly said that it was fine so my friend ate her sandwich and I the muffim very quietly in the back. When we got to the meeting place he screamed at me that I had been disrespectful in eating the muffin and wouldn't speak to me at the funeral or afterwards at the wake. We are months on from the funeral and still he is funny with me. Clearly he felt that I had behaved inappropriately and disrespected him. He still talks normally with the friend who ate the sandwich.

I think your b/f is grieving quite considerably and is putting all his frustration onto you. I would leave him alone and give him some space until he chooses to get back in touch with you which will happen when he has finally come to terms with what has happened.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (21 April 2014):

mystiquek agony auntI agree with honeypie. Yes, obviously he is grieving but that doesn't give him the right to take out his hurt/pain on you. Everyone grieves in their own way..some like to talk about it, others prefer not to say a word. Some people throw themselves into work, some retreat into their own little shell. Just depends on the person. I lost my father 3 months ago, and its been very difficult for me but I prefer to talk about him and remember the happy times. Sometimes I do become really sad but I dont take it out on anyone because that's not the kind of person I am in general.

I'm afraid this guy probably isn't really as nice as you think he is. I quite frankly don't blame you for not wanting to be around him. My ex was like sort of like this. He would hold everything inside and then suddenly "snap" and jump and bite at me for trivial little things and I had no idea it was coming. Moody. I don't like that kind of a person.

With only 2 months into the relationship, I'd recommend walking away. It just doesn't sound like he's that nice of a guy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014):

Don't invest yourself so much so early on; you shouldn't be severely upset by someone you've only been with for 2 months.

Let him go. He needs space and he's being rude - chances are that it's not just because his brother died.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 April 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI would end it. He needs time to grieve, but he is resisting it and when he feels low he takes it out on you. IF you stay, my guess is, it will escalate.

Let him know why you are ending it.

And stop making excuses for him. Him being upset, missing his brother, maybe some survivor's guilt, profound loss it DOESN'T excuse his behavior towards you.

The fact that you two barely know each other ( two months not that long) might be a reason why you both misread each other and misunderstand each other, but he is lashing out.

My guess is THAT very lovely guy you first talked to was him putting on his BEST face. The guy you are seeing now? Well, that is who he is. And who he WILL be if he doesn't get himself some help. YOU can't help him mourn. You can't fix his hurt. I know you want to, but you can't Time can and HE can eventually.

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