A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think I am being emotionally abused. I have been on and off again with my boyfriend of 2 years. He's acted out , mostly when drunk. I have gotten really mad, broken up with him twice, and he always begs forgiveness , promises to change and then acts out in another way to completely hurt me. Most recent example - we were on vacation in florida a month ago.. He drank too much and started fighting w me over other fights in our relationship. I went to bed and I woke up in the morning and he was gone. Phone off. Gone. We were supposed to leave on a cruise. Turns out - he took a cab an hour and a half without me in the middle of the night. I forgave and 2 weeks ago , we were not fighting. I went out w friends and he did too. Later in the night, I called to meet him and he told me he'd meet me and was walking to a nearby bar. I walk and wait alone. For 45 minutes. Turns out he was in another town at a club and lied about his whereabouts. I was livid. Last night I finally agreed to have dinner w him bc he promised no more lies and turmoil. After dinner, he came to my apt to stay. He had been drinking. He got mad I didn't want to be intimate but I thought everything was ok and went to bed. I woke up this morning go find he had thrown out all the flowers and plants he had ever given me (I keep dry flowers) and he threw out framed photos of me and me and him that he had taken and given to me. Down the apartment chute. I cried - i can't get them back. He said I threw away his heart by breaking up with him over the lying so he threw out "things I don't care about ". I am so hurt and a little scared. This seems unstable. And vindictive. All as he was trying to win me back and already promised no more drama. Please help.
View related questions:
drunk, flowers Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Sage - I guess I was hoping there was some "fix". But you are all right. I know it.
It's just hard to end 2 years. But I have deleted and blocked him on social Media so he can't hurt me with posts. I removed all my stuff from his house yesterday when I knew he was out to dinner. (I had the key).
I thank you all for your encouragement and honesty. Thank you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): ". . .he is a good person who swears he wants to change."He's telling you what you want to hear. He has no incentive to change because the way things are are exactly the way he wants them.He has you completely under his thumb. He sweet talks you to play to your ego and vanity before switching gears and verbally abusing you to prey on your insecurities and weaknesses, and he will continue to do so for as long as you continue to enable him and make excuses for him and let his abhorrent behavior toward you slide, which would appear to be indefinitely. As Sage said, I can only hope you come to your senses and extricate yourself from his clutches before any physical harm befalls you because when your dysfunction gets to the stage where he can't control you emotionally then he will attempt to exert physical control.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2015):
 Going by MANY posts on here with women who are with abusive men, they mention having a connection like no other. And here in lies the problem. These MEN (and women who are like that too) have an ability to make their partner feel OH SO special when THEY want to. Personally, I think it's BECAUSE they know how "flawed" they are as a partner. So they "SELL" this AMAZING guy package hoping that he woman will look past the "flawed" part. I bet he would make an EXCELLENT salesman. He has the gift of gab. Because he can WEAVE these ELABORATE stories and excuses. And you are left thinking OMG HE loves me so, that you forget to see that his actions do NOT match his pretty words.
IT IS up to you to decide if you will continue this or not, my worry would be that he will go from destroying THINGS you care about to maybe hitting.
You say you are very happy with him, SO why the original post?
My guess is you were hoping that someone had a magical fix you could use that would make him the guy you WANT him to be. That isn't going to happen.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 May 2015):
 OP: The advice given - which advice you sought - is clear and succinct. Your re-submits make it clear that you are NOT going to follow (any) of that advice.... but are going to JUSTIFY YOUR behaviour.....
I'll simply pray that you, ultimately, WILL cut off this cruel charade BEFORE any harm comes to you.....
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2015):
 So when it's good it's good - but when it's bad it's incredibly bad.
Also a good nature has to learn to set basic boundaries, to establish dealbreakers.
You say that the good outweighs the bad , it seem to me that at most it outNUMBERS it, because certain things weight too heavily to save all the rest.
It's like you were saying : oh this milk is really excellent, it's only that it has a little drop of ink in it. Yeah but - the problem is that even just a droplet of inkmakes all the glass of milk poisonous !!
So, let's say ,just for instance : adorable serial cheater ? No deal. Adorable yet serial cheater .
Lovable wifebeater ? No deal. Lovable yet wifebeater.
In your case , saying the man has a drinking problem is an euphemism. I don't know if from a medical standpoint he would be called an alcoholist, anyway it's clear that when he drinks, and he drinks often, he is out of control, unmanageable , irrational and potentially dangerous. As sych, unluckily he is not even fit to... go out for icecream with him once in a while, imagine trying to have an actual r/ship with him.
That's why you can't trust anything he says- because people who drink too much talk shit.
This,AND/OR he says whatever it takes to keep you stuck and whatever may want to hear, until it serves HIS purposes. Mind what he does, not what he says.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie I have been thinking about that for a long time and I don't know. I guess it's my good nature and I want to believe in the underdog. That he has done bad things but he is a good person who swears he wants to change. I believe him because when things are good I am
Very Happy with him. We connect like I don't with others.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 May 2015):
Why does he do it?
To keep you around. Or because in a sick little twisted corner of his mind he ACTUALLY doesn't SEE the problem with his behavior, but he knows that if he does something hurtful, mean or stupid.. ALL he has to do is FAKE remorse, apologize and he is back in the "game"...
The thing is, maybe you shouldn't FOCUS on why HE is doing this, but WHY you are allowing it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I don't understand is why the heck he would act like this - promise me the world and then not be able to stop himself from hurting me.
I am so sad.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 May 2015):
At the risk of being seen as glib.... I think THIS is all one has to read in order to reply to your submittal: "I think I am being emotionally abused."
All the rest (of what you wrote) is smokescreen... and an attempt by you to justify why you should not get away from this guy,... NOW... and PERMANENTLY....
WHEN a woman is being abused, it is incumbent upon HER to stop the proceedings... Do so... NOW.... and never look back. You'll be glad you did....
Good luck...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add one point - when I was crying when I discovered it - he said "these things are all replaceable". "I was trying to rejuvenate and start fresh".
Hours later he text me "I need to stop drinking, but I need you by my side". "I think I don't blame you for leaving me"
Ugh
I know you ladies are right - I just need to do it. This was one of the greatest violations. I was sleeping and he knows my possessions mean a lot to me. I'm sentimental - which is why I keep dried flowers in the first place.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (8 May 2015):
 This man is an abuser, sorry but there is no easy way of saying it. The way he treats you is with total dis-respect.
The only way out of this, is for you to get this man out of your life. Block his mobile number, don't make any contact with him at all - keep him as far away from yourself as humanly possible.
IMO, his behaviour is only going to get worse, this man is showing you who he really is. Please remember that he will say all the right words just to 'win' you back - however his actions tell you just how he feels about you.
You deserve better.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 May 2015):
 I see the words alcohol and drinking and his behavior is fueled by alcohol. This may mean he has an alcohol issue. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that only gets worse.
And their behavior will escalate.
My husband threw things out when drunk. Thinks I loved that he knew would hurt me.
His disease progressed to trying to kill me.
Now he's sober 4 months and we are working on it.
Your bf will not change. His behavior will not change unless he wants it to.
You keep "forgiving him" and he keeps being rewarded for his bad behavior.
He is unstable. And it's hard to walk away from someone who you love who is not behaving well but it's what you must do.
His behavior will escalate... will you wait for the first time he hits or shoves you to leave? Will you be so enmeshed with him by then that you will make another excuse as to why he did it and why you will stay?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I'm stuck because I love him and he does have good qualities. I just can't believe he would be intentionally manipulative. But I guess he is. Throwing out my things after I invited him into my home - and while I was sleeping - just seems so evil.
He always tells me the good outweighs the bad. I say I'm not ok w bad.
I guess I finally have to accept he can't get rid of this ugly side. And I guess he's taking advantage of my good nature? I don't few myself as a weak person but yet somehow - here I am. :(
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 May 2015):
I have to agree with Cindy (as usual) You NEED to be the one to make the next move. GET OFF the carousel. You two go round and round and NOTHING G changes.
He keeps making promises, yet... he reverts back TO who he really is. An angry and vindictive person. HE knows that ALL he has to do... is apologize and make NEW promises and you will forgive and try again. YOU are wasting your time!
You are making the CLASSIC "woman" mistake. YOU think that this is somehow YOUR fault and that YOU can fix it. YOU CAN'T. No amount of loving him will MAKE him change INTO the guy you WANT him to be.
THIS IS who he is. HE is a drama-llama and that WILL not change. IT IS unstable behavior, but it's also CALCULATED. He wanted to hurt you emotionally, and guess what? HE did.
A relationship like this that is on/off and filled with drama is NOT healthy, and it will NOT becomes one, no matter YOUR good intentions.
TAKE Cindy's advice and CUT him out of your life. BLOCK and delete his number, change your locks, block and un-friend on social media and so forth.
The ONLY way this will STOP... is if YOU get off the carousel.
Insanity is doing the SAME thing OVER AND OVER and expecting a different outcome. YOU already know what the outcome will be. Drama.
Want more for yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 May 2015):
I am sorry about what happened, but I am afraid nobody can really help you but yourself,when you'll finally admit that there's no fixing this. This man is unstable, and potentially dangerous. He sounds like a raging alcoholisr too- and if he is not a full blown addicted yet, we can't just explain him away as some guy who gets a little feisty with a couple of drinks in himself. He is out of control- and you CAN'T put any stock in any of his promises and love proffers which mean diddly squat( as you have seen time and again ).
So be brave, be smart, block him on all phones and media, change your locks if necessary- and next time, do not invite unnecessary drama into your life by admitting in it a r/ship with lots of arguments and ups and downs already at the first stages.
...............................
|
