A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Perhaps this is a weird question, but some suggestions on how to best deal with this would be nice. I've got a key to my boyfriends apartment, and I have been staying at his place for about every other day these last months. It's usually his place because it's more convenient for him and me from a geographical standpoint... (shorter way to his work, and shorter way to my school/my work).Point is, Im at his place about 3-4 nights a week, he's at mine maybe 1 night a week. But he rents in a basement, and now winter is coming along and it's gotten so unbelievably cold down there. I have commented on this before (almost each time I am there), he said he'd turn up the heat, but barely ever turns it up, so Im always freezing when there. Tonight was just the final drop that made me click, because I had to sleep fully dressed and woke up with a cold and sore throat. He wants to save money on electricity, and since it's a basement it takes a lot of electricity to get it properly warm. He's a warm man by nature, he doesn't ever get cold and can walk around in t-shirts in almost any weather. So he doesn't care if it's cold.Next, he knows Im spending the night, but he hardly ever has food in the house for breakfast. Some days I have brought food with me. Is this really necessary? He only has one plate. So if he's used it, I need to clean it when I wake up so I can use it. It's a small matter, but it gets old after a while. I suggested he buy more plates, he doesn't see the need.I have to ask for a towel each time I am there, which is also getting old because he knows I use a towel.. so why do I still have to specifically ask for one? There's also been occasions where he doesn't have a clean towel for me, so I have brought my own. I don't know what he does with the towels, I wish I could have one permanently since I am there so often, but he keeps removing it after each stay.Is this crazy? Should I be bringing my own food, own towel, own blanket etc., or just stop going to his place? I dont feel right having to ask him to make changes/buy in extra blankets and food, this should either come naturally or it doesn't, right? It's his place, not mine, so I don't feel right in having to ask for things. PS. When he's at my place I always have a towel ready for him, food in the fridge etc. And I would gladly pay for the extra food and blanket etc., that's not an issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2014): I already see you have several replies but I wanted to give you mines since I personally go through this with my partner. We are long distance each having own place. When she comes here she only brings clothes toothpaste toothbrush and sometimes bodywash. However I have bought her deodorant soaps woofah and I allow her to go through several towels even for 2 days. When she leaves I makes sure her tank is on full. However when I'm at her home she loves cold weather n I am easily cold I have to bundle up. I bring nearly everything toilet paper, towels, fabuloso, bodywash, lysol, washing detergent, etc. I don't assume that she have these things n whatever I use I try n replenish. I give her money when I leave bc I do laundry there n also keep her small heater on. She never ask for anything but I try looking out for her. I do take showers there watch television use Internet and laundry so I want to help a little with bills. I only stay about 3 days a week a month and she stays 2 days a week a month. My advice don't expect him to have this or that it's not a hotel and he may not can afford it. Pack 4 days of clothing n toiletries and hygiene items. You're overwhelming him bc by your very presence staying there you are causing his bills to increase. Bills which may already overwhelm him. So when you bring suggestions meet him half way. BYOT, bring your own things. Also in 4 years of being with my girlfriend I never went in her frig n got me something to eat, she usually cooks but whenever she doesn't I take her out to a nice dinner or whatever she is tired I'll treat her as well. You staying so often like that you are no longer guest, no you are now part time live in girlfriend n you have financial obligations at his estate. If you don't feel moved to help out in any way financially than you are more a burden than u think. The big picture, you cost. The small picture, he seems to be very frugal. But he may be financially struggling. Many young guys go without a lot of things we female find absolutely necessary. Buy the guy some dishes as a gift end of story. Since u live there u do have a responsibility.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 October 2014):
 I agree with the, STOP visiting, advice.
He knows why, and if he asks just explain it calmly.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 October 2014):
 Why put yourself into this fridged environment? stay at your place on cold nights. If he gets annoyed, tell him you're not a polar bear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2014): I've been through that, but worse. My boyfriend has a mattress on his floor ( no bed! ), there's no hot water and he doesn't put the heating on. The only thing that he puts on is electricity.There is also hardly any food there. I never stay over night there, as I like to be comfortable when I stay over night.It also hasn't been decorated yet. I put up with it because he is a nice person, but I hate that he lives like that.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 October 2014):
 I'm in total agreement, stop going to his place. It will be interesting to find out how willing he is to go to your place every night. If he asks why the change, tell him what you just told us.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 October 2014):
 Stop visiting. Since you have offered to pay for the extra hearing and the extra food, so the problem is not money- apparently not only he does not know how to make you feel at home, he does not want to you to feel at home, or comfortable. Consciously or not, everyrhing he does is a reminder that you are just passing by- there today, toeeow who knows; so, don't get too comfy.
To be brutally honest, in your shoes I would probably have a problem with the psychological implications of your arrangement, but also, or more, with a bf who lives like a BUM:
he only has ONE plate ? He can't afford to buy ONE more plate ? then he should only date ... a Salvation Army officer.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 October 2014):
 I'd stop going to his place as it's clear he is doing NOTHING to make you feel welcome at all.
When i was dating my now husband, we were LDR and after about 6 visits from me, he cleared out a drawer for me to keep things there, also a shelf in the bathroom and room in his fridge.
IF your guy can't manage to make you feel welcome, then stop going and staying there. IF you want to bring your own supplies and leave them then that's fine but if he has not offered you space then I'd be concerned that he's not as committed to the relationship as you are.
IF he lives in a basement and he's your age, then I assume he's got a low income and this may be that he can't afford to buy another plate or have spare towels or afford to turn the heat up.
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