A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been together 3 years. We're both in our early to mid 30's. We don't live together but usually spend weekends together and sometimes during the week if we can work it out. He used to be emotionally/physically available to me until we started fighting over trivial shit and our relationship ended up on the rocks. Since then, he's became distant but we decided we wanted to stay together. I'm trying to work on my issues. While I'm working on myself, he's doing absolutely nothing emotionally nor physically. He's lacking in both departments more now than before I started working on myself.Emotionally, the problem I'm having is he no longer texts/talks to me like he once did. He just doesn't seem to be here. Once in awhile we have a small text conversation. He SAYS he loves me but is doing NOTHING to show it. He's shutting me out emotionally but expecting me to carry on doing what I always did; texting HIM good morning, texting HIM good night. I've been turned into the pursuer and I'm seriously fed up with it. He expects me to be "okay" with the crumbs he's giving. I've told him if he's not happy and can't make any effort, since we decided to stay together, that we'll just go on with our lives but he doesn't. Sometimes when we're together I can tell he really loves me by the way he looks at me, but those times are far and few between.Now for the physical part of our relationship, he no longer shows any real affection in the bedroom. He'll lie on his back and want ME to hold him, cuddle him, rub on HIM and I've just recently stopped because he was taking me for granted and was giving me nothing in return. He used to reciprocate once in awhile but I'm guessing he got too comfortable with me doing it and just decided that he'd rather take than give. Last night, I refused to be used again so I just lied there in bed and let him come to me for once, which he did (sort of). He laid next to me and put his arm around me in a half assed sort of way so I held him back. Anytime this man touches me he stops as soon as I touch him back, so the only real affection I get is what I have to give him. Well, last night he laid his head on my lap and grabs my foot and says "rub my back and I'll rub your feet". He misses the point that sometimes I don't want to GIVE, I want to GET, with nothing in return. He wants to be cradled, cuddled, rubbed on without having to do *anything* emotionally NOR physically in this relationship now. Keep in mind, though, I'm working on my issues to be a better girlfriend and he's STILL doing nothing. I'm at my breaking point. I've talked to him about this and when we get together nothing changes. I'm left feeling alone and neglected while laying in bed right next to him.Okay, onto the sex; when he wants it he'll either A) ask me for it or B) just pull my pants down and take it. He gives me NO foreplay and when he does it only lasts until he's hard and then he's ready to have sex. He never takes it upon himself to hold ME, or massage ME, or touch me romantically which is a part of foreplay. Sometimes it'd be nice to have a man run his fingers through MY hair, rub my face, my body, hold me and show his love for me.As a result of him acting this way I've stopped catering to his every need. The last week and a half I've stopped babying him in the bedroom and am trying to make him realize he needs to take more action. I've also turned him down for sex the last 3x. Last night I could tell he wanted to but I wouldn't do it. He didn't try to turn me on, he just told me he was horny and wanted me to give him some, so I don't think I should get to lie there anymore and let him bust his nut. He's withholding emotionally AND physically so I'm withholding what he wants from me. If he wants from me what I was so willingly giving then he's going to start working for it a little bit.
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male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (18 October 2013):
 It is good that you are bringing your dilemma here, because it seems that you need some perspective. For those on the outside looking in, it really does seem like this relationship should have ended already. Perhaps it is difficult for either of you to let go ultimately, but there is little here to really build off of (from what you have described). It has become a kind of stalemate. You have gotten to the point that you are putting up with the absolute minimum that the relationship can carry on by.
It is hard to see the other side, the side where you are with someone else and (much more) fulfilled emotionally, physically, etc. You can't get there, by yourself, in this relationship.
It is hard enough to change a bad habit of your own, you cannot change someone else. Not even a little. Three years is enough time to make that call. That is just my opinion of course, but I think you should strongly consider moving on.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 October 2013):
 I don't understand why you haven't just ended this troubled relationship. You aren't happy, he isn't happy, neither of you seem to be able to communicate with the other in a productive and constructive way. Resentment has been building on both sides, obviously, and you just keep piling more on the already heaping pile.
You are so desperately hoping he'll change: he won't. He's demonstrated that very clearly.
I think you'll feel a huge weight lift off your shoulders when you end it and a sense of relief that you don't have to go to bed with him any longer.
If you are desperate to try to save this relationship, go to a couples counselor together, but I don't hold out much hope here, sorry.
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