A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi thereI started seeing a guy around 3 months ago. One of the things i love about him.is that he is very very affectionate towards me. At gome and out in public. He sometimes says to be before we go out'can i kiss you a lot tonight in public?' But hes the same at home, loves cuddles, sex, kisses, hand holding etc.Anyway, i started to notice its not just me he is like this with. If he sees a male friend he will put his arm around them, if he meets my friends male or female he is very tactile. I acty had to have a converstaion about it to him recently as we were on a whale watching trip, a young attractive girl was shivering, my bf proceeded to put his arm around her and ask if she was ok. I confronted him.abput it later and said i felt uncomfortable with it, he was vwry surprised and i know it is innocent on his part but he said he would be more aware of being affectionate towards other women from now on. The other thing is, he is very affectionate towards kids. My sisters baby, who he hardly knows, he will kiss on the forehead and hug. And my frienda 3 year old he will cuddle. I adore him and think it is harmless at this stage... but wanted a neutral opinion. I adore this guy but does it sound strange?Thankyou :) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (29 January 2018):
 Everyone has a different "level" of how tactile they are. Some USE it to invade other people's personal space, to test boundaries, some are just this way because they were raised with it and then others because they grew up without it. And some (which might be your BF) just don't have a clue of what is OK and not OK to do.
I'm NOT a tactile person. Except with my kids and my husband, it's just not who I am. The kids, however, gets and gives hugs a lot and freely. Something I had to work on. I grew up in a fairly affectionate family.
My brother on the other hand? Very tactile but I'd say to a MUCH more respectful degree than your BF.
Hugging strangers and giving them warmth in form of body heat (so to speak), kissing babies and cuddling little kids he doesn't know... Not my cup of tea, I think it borders on "missing" or "ignoring" social cues.
I would be, quite frankly, uncomfortable if some random stranger decided to HUG me because I looked cold. I mean, no, just no. You do NOT invade my personal space without invitation. And MOST women have been raised with not making a fuss, to just suck it up and be uncomfortable. I agree with the Nonny who said, it's not about Harvey Weinstein at all. While I DO agree that people are now on HIGH alert when it comes to what THEY think is appropriate and what THEY think is inappropriate. This isn't predatory behavior.
The whole kids thing... I know women who do this. Women who will walk up and touch a pregnant woman's belly (totally inappropriate too!) or hug and be VERY touchy with kids, ALL because they just ADORE kids. Nothing sinister there. I think I would leave it up to the PARENT of the children to SET boundaries. Actually I think it IS the parents JOB to do so.
So yes, I'd tell him to TONE down the whole TOUCHING strangers even if he means well. I'd even go as far as explaining that not everyone would appreciate it and that for some it is NOT seen as a nice gesture but invasion of that person's personal space.
To be frank, he should have learned about personal space and social cues and norms... at his age. So for me it IS a bit of a "pink" flag.
There is a reason you wrote your post. It's somehow making you go hmmm... but you are not sure why.
So maybe you need to have a little think about what made you write the post, in all honesty.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): I'm an affectionate and tactile person. It's what people seem to like about me. I do set some boundaries and parameters; because not everyone likes people to invade their space.
I don't hug complete strangers, I don't hug co-workers, and I don't presume to kiss babies or cuddle children I don't know. I think that's pushing the envelope. So I agree with you there. Not completely; because we sometimes have trouble containing our compassion and affection for others.
I once had to do the Heimlich Method on an elderly woman choking on the street. People ignored her while she was gasping for breath!!! All my friends dive-in for a hug because they need them. It's the way your BF and I disperse positive-energy.
My family always expects hugs and kisses, coming and going. My boyfriend tells me that's what he adores about me. No fear of contact and warmth. He feeds on the energy. His mom loves long warm hugs rocking side to side. His dad loves hardy pats on the back! Not until we'd all known each other nearly a year! Now they expect it!
Maybe hugging other women to keep them warm is over-doing it a bit. I don't much care for PA; but he did ask you first.
You have a right to feel uncomfortable. About the girl? That's too forward, and goes above and beyond.
If he's too much for you; please don't stifle that part of him. The world is running out of us. You should let him go; and find someone you can handle a little better, if it truly upsets you.
By no means do you have to accept him hugging all over other females in-front of you. With the exception of friends and family!
I wouldn't like my boyfriend snuggling-up or pawing on other guys. He's gay, so I'm not too worried about women. Although unfamiliar females feel his muscles and slap him on the rump. I've seen it! I've gotten it too! I don't cross lines that I think would upset folks. I'm more mature and more etiquette-conscious than someone in their 20's, like your boyfriend. He sounds like a very sweet guy! Just needs to reign it in just a little.
I think your boyfriend is one of us. One of those people who loves humanity. We come from homes where we got a lot of affection from our parents, siblings, and extended-family. We have been unleashed on the world. Sorry, we can't help it.
Tap him gently on the shoulder; or nudge him with an elbow to let him know when he might be over-stepping, but never get angry. You do need to "talk" about touching other females, and being too touchy with kids he doesn't know. Just because their parents might not say anything, doesn't mean they feel entirely comfortable with it.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (28 January 2018):
 My boyfriend is a very affectionate person. And he had a difficult childhood with bad relations with his dad.. maybe men that don't have strong masculine role models are like this?
He's not just huggy touchy with me, he's like it with everyone, especially his friends inc. male ones. It does sound like it's just his personality- I do agree that he should tone it down with random girls ha but if he's agreed to not do it, then no problems :) I agree he sounds like a keeper
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): I think he sounds fairly naive and child-like about these situations. However, going up and hugging or putting his arm around strangers is totally inappropriate and invading their space. No it is not only about Harvey Weinstein as another poster said it is. It does show that he is not respectful of people's personal space and boundaries, which is NOT okay-- never has been and never will be. I mean, how would you feel if a strange man suddenly put his arm around you because you were shivering? I know that I for one would be very uncomfortable and feel threatened, which anyone would I think in that situation with a stranger. That is fine if you hug a friend hello but a stranger is different.
What I wonder is if he is simply acting naive to get away with a lack of boundaries. If he plays completely innocent he can get away with putting his arms around attractive women whom he does not know. It shows that he has a strong sense of entitlement to do that to just about anyone. And that sense of entitlement worries me, even if he plays it off as he is a "good guy" with a hero complex. Something about it is off.
On the other hand, maybe he truly is naive. Hopefully he will change since you have talked to him about it. I would be wary of men like him who are that touchy-feely and have to be constantly all over everyone though, so I would be VERY wary of this even if he seems nice otherwise. Even with you it seems a little possessive that he has to do PDA all the time.
If he doesn't change I would seriously consider breaking up in your position. I would be worried that he would act inappropriately and cause havoc in the workplace, and in life in general. I wouldn't want to worry that he is making other women uncomfortable, and I wouldn't want to worry that he is hitting on other women or getting his thrills by wrapping his arms around them while playing it off as innocent.
I would also be worried he is manipulating you into believing that it's just innocent caring when in reality it shows misplaced entitlement. Maybe he is also kidding himself along the lines of a hero complex that this is okay but he is a grown man he has to grow up and learn boundaries quickly. Even young children can learn boundaries like hands to yourself in a grade school classroom.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (28 January 2018):
In a perfect world, we'd all be like this. My mother was affectionate with me and I am more of a touchy, huggy guy. Did her grow up in a similar situation?
Unfortunately, the Harvey Weinstein problem and the flood gates it has opened has made innocent and affectionate touching of others all that much more taboo, to the point where people will become even more distanced from others.
You need to let you boyfriend know how what your lines are in regard to his being affectionate with others. Also, let him know that hugging that girl on the boat is now all the more publicly unacceptable as everyone is suddenly way more suspect of that sort of thing.
As for kissing babies, a lot of parents frown on this because of the possibilities of spreading colds or flu.
He sounds like a great guy and one who will respect your wishes. If you're going to have problems, this is one of the best to have! Just let him know what boundaries you'd like him to keep.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (28 January 2018):
 My immediate thought was that hes probably a passionate man,very empathetic, a giver. prefer works with his hands, and his love language is touch. So theres absolutely nothing wrong with him , however he should be a little mindful with hiw affectionate he is to strangers ( those who dont know him well/may assume hes feminine/hitting on other men's girlfriends, etc). Id say my best exes were the affectionate one, so youre in luck. But do express that you love him as he is but also feel slightly uncomfortable if he was to be too affectionare towards strangers. It sounds like you have and it soundd like hes heard you and respect you. But def he sounds wonderful and there's nothing wrong it. A affectionate loving partner is always the best kind
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