A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupids, I have a long distance friend that lives in Germany that I've known for almost 3 years. I'm 25 and he's 23.5.I feel we like each other a little more than friends but each have our own lives, etc. And I don't see them colliding anytime soon. The Germany guy is an artist. Environmentalist. He cares about free-trade. Organic. Anti-Corporation. ETC.To be honest, in this regard we're very different. I'm very business minded. I'm not very "hippie" and throughout this entire time he's known me, not once have I did anything creative (I'm not a artist, sculptor, painter). I've always been honest with him the way I felt about public issues, etc -- despite knowing he may not like my answer.Our personalities are very different. I'm very logical, independent. He's more sensitive and I feel he's more dependent (he still relies on his parents a lot). However, despite the differences and arguments here and there, we've kept this friendship going. We first shared mailing addresses 5 months ago.For my birthday he sent me some chocolate and a handmade card. I know he puts in a lot of effort in these cards (I know he makes these for his mom, etc).I loved it, he did a hand drawn/colored card of something I shared with him once. It was very thoughtful. He also included little notes/hints in this letter for some photos he sent me in my email.And it may seem odd -- but I will mention this, he wrapped it in some purple tissue paper (my fave color). I praised him over and over for the gift for days straight. It was very sweet. Fast forward 4 months later and I sent him a gift. I'm not really a huge material gift giver -- I prefer memories, if he was here, I would have had a great day planned. I'm not the type that just gives a gift that sits on a counter or is completely useless (growing up it wasn't uncommon to receive full bedding sets, towel sets, etc). Also growing up, for Bday, we'd make more of a day out of it, with a good dinner, an event, etc. Something special the whole fam could enjoy. For my younger brothers (20/21), it's cologne (the one they actually use), or sneakers, or clothes. And they usually love it. They really appreciate it because it's things they WILL GET use out of/need.I had a few things in mind I wanted to get my Germany friend. I wanted to buy him a wacom tablet (the one artists use for PC), or some sneakers. I found out he doesn't really like doing artwork on the PC, so I didn't want to get him anything he'd never use. And I don't know what paints/tools he uses for his art, so I just passed on this idea.I found out he only buys a pair of shoes every few years (I was a bit shocked by this and thought he could really use some). I found out he loves Adidas. However, I couldn't get his shoe size in a straight answer. He would say things like well this fits me kinda, but it really depends on the shape of shoe, blah, blah -- and there's only one kind of shoe I really like....And it was really complicated, due to sending international, there was no way he'd be able to exchange, etc. And he did not have an adidas store near him. I did not tell him I was buying him these things but I'd ask questions, I even went as far as asking, hey can you email me a link about the type of sneaker you like, I'm "curious" to know (I'm a Reebok fanatic, and he knows I'm into sneakers so it wasn't that obvious).Well he never did. And I didn't want to send him anything that wouldn't fit, so I X'd the idea.So I bought him:5 shirts from Adidas -- his main gift, he did tell me he liked Adidas.And 2 from Reebok -- he says he always wanted to go to the UK, Reebok is big there, so I got him these. I got them on a separate occasion, I was shopping for myself and thought of him, and picked these up too.I also sent him a gothic looking key chain of a cute zombie doll (I'm into zombies and the zombie reminded me of some photo he sent me (same hair and colored shirt). It was sitting in my desk since Halloween. Again, it was something I seen and picked up b/c I was out and thought of him.He opened the gift with me on the phone. He seemed OK, he thanked me for the gift. I told him, why I bought the things I did -- that I seen them and thought about him.I explained I would have much preferred creating a memory with him by taking him out, etc -- but due to circumstance, hope he just likes it, etc. He seemed absolutely fine on the phone. He was a bit quiet, and told me why did I buy so many, etc -- I felt like maybe I over whelmed him with shirts, I don't know -- I told him, I seen them, liked them, and thought you'd like them and that it's something you can use. He's literally a broke college student. No job. ETC. His family covers all his expenses but he probably doesn't clothes shop for years. I really felt I sent him something that he would get use out of. On wrapping, I need to mention it: His main gift -- the adidas, package, I placed tissue paper in the adidas paper outlet bag, folded it over and taped the handle, then I wrapped this in gift wrap. The reebok shirts, I wrapped in tissue paper, and placed in the reebok bag. I didn't gift wrap this one. And the keychain had its own packaging and was placed in the package. I also did a handwritten note on my stationary, placed in envelope, and sealed the entire package.You'll know why I mention the wrapping now...The next day he talks to me..And he tells me he's very depressed. Very confused. He basically tells me, he felt like I got sh*t and threw it in a bag and sent him. He didn't say that specifically, but that's what he was getting at--He told me he would have never sent something not gift wrapped in a bag. He felt I rushed, etc. He told me he was upset about the quality of shirts -- basically about big corporations and children in asia making them or whatever. I don't know a lot about brands -- in the past when he'd tell me about quality of shirts I thought he meant like "walmart" shirts, or something. To me these were high quality shirts/brand name. I told him, it was nothing less than I'd wear myself or give to family. Honestly, they were more expensive shirts than I would have spent for myself.He felt I didn't put effort or thought into what I sent. It's really odd to me. It's not the first time he's totally over complicated and over thought something that was so simple yet it turns into major arguments.I'm not rich by any means, but I work hard, I'm a student, no debt (yet, will have mortgage soon), I own my vehicle, and in the process of building a home...with international shipping and items the package was every bit of $100. I feel that $100 is a good chunk of change that could have went elsewhere, especially if it caused this much trouble -- could have paid my phone bill or filled my gas tank twice. He knows how hard I work. A couple of weeks ago I told him, I pulled an overnight that was almost a 12 hour shift, no breaks, and manual labor type of stuff (resetting store retail shelves/and product).Can you tell me who's in the wrong here?
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debt, depressed, goth, his ex, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (18 February 2013):
 That's fair enough, people move on and change. He may feel hurt for a while when he feels you distancing yourself from him, but he will get over it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyone that answered -- I sincerely appreciate the time for reading my question AND taking the time out to respond. I rated everyone 5 stars, all you guys are right. Honestly, for the last 6-7 months, I've really felt I've out-grown this entire thing. I finished a degree this past year, received a promotion at work, and really doing my own thing. He's really been more of downer to talk to, and I've really been enjoying my conversations with him less and less -- it's like he's stuck in time (no progress in his life, same exact situation he's in since we first talked, except failing a few colleges, he's a very depressing individual -- he cares so much about things he cannot fix or help (society), yet not focus on his own that's a disaster). We don't talk everyday, maybe just on the weekend, or longer spacing -- he had the package in his hands for nearly 2 weeks before I had the time to talk to him so he could have opened it (that should have been a signal that he was making this gift more into what it was -- he wouldn't open it unless we did it "together").And I've explained to him, I am tired of putting more into this than what it is --- exactly as you guys said, someone I'll NEVER spend real time with. I'm building a home here -- I'm obviously not going to move to Germany.To be fair, I've tried to cut this off for awhile, more then a few months -- but anytime I've requested him to please no longer contact me -- he blows up my email, texts, phone. He's a bully.He goes into paranoia. I've even told him, even if he was here, etc -- he's not the type of guy I can make a life with as we're so different. And I told him straight out -- I need someone more independent, less fantastical, more logical. So for now, I'll let him believe communication lines are open when he e-mails, but he won't ever get more than a couple lines back from me, I'm not going to have time. Again thank you so much for responding.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (17 February 2013):
 Yea I laughed at this a bit. All u have here is a pen pal at best. Not a friendship or even a reltshp. Its not even logical what you two are doing doll. Youre both wrong.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (17 February 2013):
I get where he is coming from, I have friends/family who are vegans and wouldn't appreciate presents from large companies like that. I suppose it makes him feel like you don't really know him as the present isn't ethical and that is what he is passionate about. Next time donate some money to a charity in his name lol
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 February 2013):
 This boyfriend of yours needs a serious reality check. It's one thing to be idealistic, have all of these strong ideas, stand up for a cause, but in many cases the overzealous idealist can inadvertently destroy relationships in the process.
His criticism of your gifts to him was uncalled for, and his judging of what you wrapped them in as well. That was not the time to start on some anti-corporate children in Asia parroting. He is too immature to understand the difference between fighting for a cause and devastating those who love you. What I heard in what he said was pretty much criticism of the US (seen as a Capitalist over-abundance big-business etc.), and therefore you cannot be compatible with him.
Your relationship is done, I think. You're in the US, he's in Germany, the relationship is long distance, and he is incompatible to even be friends with you.
Your story reminded me of a friend of mine some years back who received an offer from her best friend to be the godmother of her firstborn son. It was a great honor, but at the time, my friend belonged to a religion that didn't recognize that tradition. So my friend not only turned down the high honor, but criticized and belittled the whole institution of "godparents" in the first place, parroting what she was taught and the opinions of others. Needless to say, the friendship ended then and there. Even to this day, my friend said it was one of the greatest and most heartbreaking things she ever did to someone else, let alone a dear friend. She learned the lesson too late.
Your friend should learn the same lesson. He's been supported by his parents and is unappreciative of things done for him. It will cost him relationships, and it should cost him yours. Save your love and friendship for those who appreciate it. This guy is missing the forest for the trees.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (17 February 2013):
 Oh dear..I'm afraid I would have been very hurt and confused by his reaction. You put forth the effort and tried to be very thoughtful and to me he acted like a bratty child! I have friends in Japan and I KNOW how expensive it is to send things internationally..its not a small chunk of change! WOW...if it were me, I would send him a short message through email saying that I was sorry that he wasn't pleased with your presents but you did buy them and send it with a sincere heart. And then after sending the email I'd really cut back on my contact with him. Sorry, I think he could have used a little more tact in what he said to you. I wouldn't want to keep someone like that very close to me. I disagree with the aunt that said he is falling in love with you. If he was, I think he would have been more gentle and kind in his response to your gift. You don't have to completely shut him out of your life, but I sure wouldn't make him a very big part of your life. He's not what I would consider to be a true friend, I actually get the impression he's rather thoughtless. Who needs that?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 February 2013):
 i think he's being a huge, spoiled, bratty weenie. you should have just saved your money. he sent you a gift based on HIS interests. for example, he's an artist. so he sent you artsy shit. a hand-drawn, decorated card, etc. not necessarily stuff that YOU'RE used to, like a practical gift. but since it was him sending almost a piece of himself, you considered it thoughtful. it stood for who he was, and since you're a normal person that knows how to be respectful, you appreciated it.well you did the same thing. you sent him something you thought he would like, but also with a touch of "you" mixed in. it was practical and useful. something you're used to with gift-giving. i mean, you're not an artist. what did he want?? you to hand draw some piece of crap for him? that's not who YOU are. he should appreciate your gift the same way you appreciated his.as a side note, a lot of my friends are wonderful gift-givers. but for me, personally, i suck. i'm seriously the worlds worst gift-giver. but my friends know it's not intended offensively. it's just a fact that i suck. but they also know that if they EVER need advice or need someone to be there for them, i'm the FIRST person they can call. we all have our strong points. sentimental, artsy gift-giving just isn't yours. and who really gives a shit? it shouldn't matter.tell this guy he's acting like a douche.
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A
female
reader, elikapeka +, writes (17 February 2013):
I'm so sorry that you're wondering about this. Sometime's I've been in his shoes, but I'm a girl, so it's not easy to relate. But basically I think he needs reassurance. My family doesn't understand why I won't buy new clothes and when I do, why I feel terrible about the sweat shops and the slave children. But tell him that you are sorry and that now you really understand and that it would be a waste to get rid of the shirts, that the most moral thing he could do, would be to take care of them and wear them for as long as possible so that their production wasn't in vain. I know it seems crazy for some people, but he's probably falling in love with you and just realized that you don't even listened to him if you thought that this gift was a good idea. So remind him that you do know him well, and care about his opinions, and that you completely understand and are sorry. Remind him that your gift came from a sincere and loving place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): To put it bluntly I would not waste any more of your time, energy and money on this ungrateful little boy...he smacks of having Spoilt Brat Syndrome.
We all have our views on the world but there is something called manners that should accompany them - clearly in his pursuit of being an Eco-warrior, he has forgotten what these are.
Tell the sanctimonious arse to take his ugly attitude with him in the opposite direction to you and your kind, thoughtful, heart.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 February 2013):
 Don't spend a lot of time worrying about who's wrong. It won't advance the most important message in your submittal.
That is, YOU sought to get him a nice gift.... HE chose to berate/belittle you for it..... Sooooo, you learned that he's an unappreciative child..... AND, that - along with the other details that you've revealed about him - "tells" me that he's not the kind of guy that you want to throw your heart at.... Walk away from him... leave him to his child-like ways and life.... and be glad you didn't spend any more time, money, energy and attention on him.... You can do MUCH better!!!!!!
Good luck....
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