A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:i have been with my boyfreind 16 months and he has been hurt before. his girlfriend threw him out of their council place after 21 years leaving him with nothing other than a sleeping bag to sleep in. he is 21 years older than me and recently i have been wondering why he won't propose to me? i keep giving him hints. we cannot have kids as he's had a vasectomy and never wanted kids. im only 19. i love him so deeply. he saved my life i beleive as i was suffering with depression and suicidal as well as eating disorder before i met him and when i eventually gave him the chance all that stopped. i was happy again. but im wondering why doesnt he want to marry me? is it because his ex is dying of cystic fibrosis? or because he really doesnt love me? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, wisedispenser +, writes (13 September 2006):
You are so young and yet you have so much to contend with. I am glad that you have found some relief from your problems since you met your partner but be careful...relationships rarely solve anything foreve but more likely offer a temporary, sticking plaster solution. I can't say for sure the reason for your partner's hesitancy in the relationship. If you pressure him, it's likely to make things worse. I'd stay calm, let things be and see what develops. If the relationship is meant to eb, then it will be.
In the meantime, I'd focus on building a life outwith your relationship- a life full of focus and goals that aren't tied in with another person. Build yourself a circle of friends. Seek out sources of support for your problems. Try the depression alliance in your search engine for info about this debilitating condition.
you have a whole life and future ahead of you that needs more than one man to fill it.
A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (13 September 2006):
 Hun, he has such a lot going on in his life, and has an awful lot of baggage.. Small wonder he is reluctant to commit again, especially to someone as young as yourself..
I would recommend getting individual counselling, as it does seem that life has bowled both of you some pretty hard low-balls, and you really need to have someone who is not actually in the situation to examine the whys and wherefores with you. You could really do with some objective help to enable you to see things more clearly before you make such a life-changing decision.
Give it time, and examine the real reasons why you are so keen to marry him. You had some pretty heavy baggage of your own, and need to see things clearly again. We are all responsible for our own happiness, and need to feel that we can be independant if we need to be. If you are sure that you are in love with him for the man he really is, and not as your 'saviour', then that is something you can build on. Put it this way - if he was in need, and could not look after himself, could you carry on being strong for the both of you? Could you take it if he needed to lean on you?
Fate has a way of turning the tables, and you BOTH need to lean equally, support each other, or the balance is lost, resentments soon rear their ugly heads, and you come to a realisation that perhaps it is not love that is keeping you together after all, just human need...not enough substance for a lasting relationship.
You seem to be wanting to marry him out of gratitude, as you say he may have been responsible for saving your life - anyone who cared would have done the same, it does'nt mean that you should marry them. I know this sounds disheartening, and I promise I don't wish to deter you, only to make you really look hard and examine why you feel the need to marry him!
You may well change your mind and decide you want children after all, and people do change as they get older. I can remember (way back!) when I was 19, and it seems as though I am looking at a whole different person now - even my taste in men has changed!
You will be making a HUGE mistake if you force the issue and cajole him until he relents..Please think long and hard - the relationship is a new one, and you BOTH need to be sure that it is what you want. Take care, chuck. x
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