A
female
age
51-59,
*atherine2081
writes:I've decided to leave but I am scared. I've been married twice before. The first 14 years and two children and he cheated.The second was a rebound one child but he was abusive. I had 5 years on my own with my three children and we were happy. I met someone who had been through a bereavement ( his wife committed suicide after they split up) who had two children and I thought I could make a family with. I knew he has suffered a breakdown during his previous marriage but he said that was because he was unhappy in his marriage. I now wonder if he can be happy in anything he just seems unbalanced and controlling. Things progressed quickly, he was depressed at times and understandable his children needed support. I was all their support. I woke up several times a night to soothe night terrors I reassured the kids and him when he felt suicidal.that or we split and We married quickly (he said it was that or we split and i naively agreed despite having reservations). The last two years of our relationship has been mostly hell. I knew it would be hard and I thought our issues would stem from bereavement but they havent they have stemmed from his paranoia. My Husband is on high dose depression and anti anxiety anti psychotic drugs. He has on time reduced his doses or not taken his medication ignoring my pleas because he thinks they put weight on him. This has led to extreme paranoid spells. He favours his own children (despite the fact that his daughter's behaviour can be extreme -pissing on my daughters bed and she is violent). I have tried to parent the same. He resists, his children can have what they want when they want and I'm now seen as bad cop because they all go to bed at reasonable times (not when they want) and have dinners not sweets. When he's home they ask him and he lets them. He doesnt like me having contact with my father or friends. He says I have baggage 3 kids with issues an ex and a father thats too involved (he does school runs when we are at work) Anything that happens that he doesnt like his doesnt speak to me or berates me. If I go with him to drop my kids to my ex he doesnt speak to me for hours because my ex hugged my kids. He think hes an outsider because my kids hug when they come back. He watches and tries to rule everything in our house. He can be kind on times but its at a point my kids hate living with him and his children and so do I. Last week because my son who is 16)told his son (12) to put a top on as my daughters friends were there (his son told my son to f off) he went mad with me and told me to move out with my children. He then held his fist to my face and told me he would smash my face in. He was presurising me to get out with my kids straight away its his house but I pay half the bills. Then he wouldnt speak to me for two days. I paid my £5500 bonus from work towards a holiday to Florida in two weeks. Last year we all went away together and it was nothing but fights he shut my leg in the door on purpose and threw us out of the hotel room and sent messages implying he was going to take his own life. I couldnt face another holiday and couldnt see why my kids or his should face another one so I cancelled him and his kids off the booking and paid an extra £1000 and rebooked him to go with his kids. Despite his mum and dad knowing what hes like they now will not speak to me. His Father turned up at the house last week saying my 16 year old son touched his grandaughter innapropristely because she was sat on his knee watching tv!!! We have lived together for a year and my son treats her like his baby sister. I dont trust them and I feel like Im going crazy living with them So Ive rented a house and I intend to move out asap to protect my kids. My 8 year old doesnt sleep at night because of the arguments and his daughter will punch and bite him. My daughter hates it there as he has a bug bear about her as shes smart and competent and he compares her to his son. Im scared after making another mistake but cant see it will ever get better. Do you think Im right?
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a break, at work, depressed, drugs, my ex, split up, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (31 May 2017):
Contact The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, NCADV.org. Sorry I don't have the 800 number. But look them up online. They will help you.
Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 May 2017):
 Yes, you are right to remove yourself and your children from this situation. I think your lives will be much easier and better once you get away from this man. I would even call child services to get them to check in on his children. They appear to not be taken care of, and the abuse you took will surely be aimed at them when you leave. No wonder they are violent children, they are raised by a violent father. This behavior is what they know to be normal.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (30 May 2017):
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
http://www.refuge.org.uk/
Here are two links for you. Both the charities WomansAid and Refuge have lots of resources to help people at all stages of their journey in leaving an abusive partner
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 May 2017):
 Of course you are right to choose the SAFE option for you and your children.He is controlling for trying to isolate you from your support people. (your father and your friends) Once you do leave you will gain strength and support for the people who have supported you in the past and who your husband feels jealousy towards, since he is incapable of providing the loving support that you need and deserve. Do NOT warn him in any way that you are leaving. For your own safety you should keep that information to yourself. not even telling your own children just in case they let the information slip out to his children.You should not be paying for a holiday for him and his children. You are not responsible for that expenditure. If possible cancel any booked holiday immediately for you and your children. You are in no position to afford the holiday right now. Find out what valid reasons are acceptable to cancel a holiday so close to the date of the holiday. You personally need this money. It should not be wasted on a holiday that could turn out to be hell.He and his children are showing no respect for you and no respect towards your children. His own parents are choosing not to speak to you. No doubt due to convincing lies he tells his parents. The situation, where you are being abused and isolated is intolerable. And your innocent children are also being abused and made to suffer. Of course this cannot go on.Gather all your receipts and remove them from the home immediately. You do not want a situation where he may choose to destroy these receipts. The receipts will show how you have been paying half the expenses. See a Lawyer about a divorce. Some of the Florida money may help pay for it. An option to give you greater support, in the face of his controlling abusive behaviour and his erratic behaviour when he has failed to take his meds is to call the UK SANEline on 0845 767 8000He is abusive and controlling and he has threatened to harm you. You and your children are at risk. Make contact with you local community health team (CMHT) in your area of the UK. see https://www.rethink.org/diagnosis-treatment/treatment-and-support/cmhtsIt sounds like his daughter also needs some mental health support as well and she is a danger to your own children. Also bring this to the attention of the CMHT personnel. And give examples of her violent and cruel behaviour that suggests a very troubled child who is a danger to herself and others.Are you in regular contact with his Doctor? Does his doctor communicate well with you? Is his Doctor aware of how threatening and abusive he is to you? If not you should consider urgently updating the doctor on how much the situation has deteriorated. If your husband owns his own home could he afford private health care? Rather than NHS care? Because a private doctor can section him, and compel him to seek mental health treatment for a specified period of time, if he is a danger to himself and others and his very unstable and threatening harm to himself. Sectioning is a serious step. He may never forgive you for asking a Doctor to consider sectioning him. But your husband's behaviour is too abusive and threatening to continue as it has been. His refusal to take his medication is endangering himself and others.And remember, if he is sectioned, it is NOT you sectioning him. Only a Medical Doctor can section a person in the UK and only if the Doctor is convinced that a person's mental health is very urgently in need of assessment and treatment in a mental health facility in the UK.Yes he will never forgive you raising the possibility of sectioning with a Doctor. But if he harms you and your children you will regret not initiating some action that will get him the mental health support he clearly does need. His own children may also need support. You do not need to feel that everything is down to you. If he is sectioned then his parents can look after his out of control children. Only then may they realize what a burden you have been shouldering.Your first responsibility is to you and your children.He has threatened and abused you physically on more than one occasion. Yes he is unwell and is even more unstable when he fails to take his medication.Your safety is paramount. Call the police for assistance.Anytime he is threatening suicide then call the police. You cannot ignore his threats even if he claims later that he was not serious. Just threatening it is a just reason to call the police.Do NOT provide the address where you are going to establish a new home. You do not want him turning up on the doorstep to abuse you, or more likely plead with you to return to him. He is not a encouraging supportive father figure to your children. He is not a kind loving and supportive husband to you. He is abusive and controlling. Thus once you leave you will have done the right thing to protect your children and yourself.The time to leave him is NOW, and make sure you take everything you need.a once only chance. Preferably when his children are at school. And once you do leave do not be in a hurry to enter into another relationship. Give yourself a two year minimum break while you heal and learn to smell the roses again.
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A
female
reader, Lexine07  +, writes (30 May 2017):
The only mistake you will make is staying. He's unstable and very abusive. It's only a matter of time until he hits you. Luckily your kids seem to have a very involved father and even then, this kind of environment will be damaging for them. I would suggest you move out as soon as possible and cut all communications. He will try to manipulate you into coming back to him, using his children and his suicidal tendencies as leverage. You need to be strong and put your kids first. You spent 5 years on your own, you can do it again. I know as women we often try to "fix" people believing we can make it all better, but trust me, this man is broken and you cannot give him the help he needs. The part that worries me a lot are the inappropriate touching allegations. If he treats that little girl like a baby sister then it's disgusting to even put those kind of thoughts into people's head. Rape and molestation allegations are almost impossible to shake off and it could destroy your sons life... You all need to leave that toxic environment as soon as possible. Leave and never look back. Your kids will thank you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (30 May 2017):
 Ditto on everything that Honeypie said. If you can leave today then do so. If you are afraid to leave then call the police to be there when you do so, or if you have male relatives that can be there to monitor, please call and ask them to be there. If you can't leave immediately, then get your ducks in a row and get out as quickly as you can. Don't tell him what you are planning. You aren't making a mistake by leaving sweetie, you will be making a mistake if you stay.
Its sad if he is suicidal but he's an adult and needs to take care of himself and if he won't do so it isn't your job to be his mommy. I feel sorry for his children but you must look out for YOUR children.
We all make mistakes...but please don't let this turn into an even bigger mistake. Get out, and get out safely. You've tried and this man just isn't worth the damage he could inflict on you and your children.
I wish you all the best sweetie. Be strong, be brave and be smart. You are making the right choice to leave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 May 2017):
 Do you have a place you could go with your kids? As in RIGHT now? The house you have rented is it available NOW? As in TODAY?
If so, PACK up and go.
MAKE sure your name is OFF EVERY bill, CANCEL any bank cards he has had access too, CHANGE your address, BLOCK him from your phone and when you and your kids are out safely, LOOK for a place to live for you and the kids. (your kids) THEN file for divorce.
If you won't do it for yourself - DO IT FOR YOUR kids.
YOUR kids NEED their mom and they NEED stability - this man? Is a THREAT to their lives and their future, as well as YOUR life and future.
Screw his mom and dad! Who cares what they think?! They know he isn't right in the head but they rEFUSE to accept it, easier to blame you.
And your 16-year-old son? Being accused of molesting a ittle one? HOW do you think THAT will NOT ruin your son's life?
YOU can't fix this man, you can't fix his kids. BUT you CAN protect your OWN kids from further damage and yourself.
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