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He's the love of my life but his kids always come first to him.

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Question - (7 May 2009) 15 Answers - (Newest, 27 May 2009)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Dear cupid I am 20 and I am In a realtionship with a guy whi is also 20 but he has two kids from a previous realationship. I love him and I feel that he is the love of my life. But I can't help but to feel a little selfish because not that I would ever do this but if I were to ask him to choose between me and his kids he would always pick them first. Our relationship is great but sometimes I want my own family. What should I do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009):

Female Anon who expressed that children are secondary to the spouse: there are people in this world suitable for love but not suitable to be parents. Your explanation that your spouse/lover is more important than your children exceeds my own understanding. I cannot understand why you would think anyone would require counseling if they put more emphasize on their children than on their spouse. Your reasoning is shallow and short-sighted. This further builds on my fear that there are people in this world who would neglect their children for the sake of their own security and happiness, when it was they, themselves who brought them out to this world in the first place.

At this moment in time, I am 30 and taking the 'burdens' of what my mother and father has carried since my brother and I was born. Surely, I cannot be there for them all the time and I cannot be there for them for their own physical and emotional intimacies, but this was the unverbalized 'contract' I had with my parents from the moment I entered this world as their son and from the moments they have brought me up, raised me and given me what they felt was best for me, until I was mature enough to run on my own.

Of course, not every child may support their parents, just as not every parent will support their child. Alas, these are the scenarios caused by neglect.

In my perspective, since my childhood, my father was my king. My mother has always been the mother who courageously took the responsibilities of my brother and I, as well as put up with the suffering my father had put us through, even though his intentions were good.

I choose my battles. I choose to fight the battles my parents are facing and will face. That is the most basic thing any child can do for their family, just as they did for my brother and I.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009):

To didda123: I am the anonymous poster of the comment about kids not being a first priority and I can assure you I am not out of my mind. Yes, I have kids of my own. But my kids are not and should not be my first priority. My first priority can and must be my spouse/partner. You may need counseling if you feel your kids should take precedence over your spouse - that's kind of wierdly sick.

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A female reader, didda123 United Kingdom +, writes (19 May 2009):

didda123 agony auntThe anonymous poster who said its ridiculous to put the kids first is obviously out of their minds! Of course the children will and should be the main priority.

Yes you have a place in his life but until you have children of your own you will never fully understand.

The children will always come first and will be his main consideration your relationship may not last you are already finding it difficult, relationships come and go but the love of your children is unconditional for the majority of people.

Saying that you should not feel neglected. You should still feel important to him even though the children are around and you will have to work together to reach a happy medium.

Have you talked to him at all about how you are feeling. I am sure he would not want to loose you and if you talk things through you may resolve some issues.

You haven't made it clear if he has the children living with him permanently or is it shared access? Is he recently separated from the children he may be feeling all kinds of emotions and he will be trying his best to make it up to them on the occasions he sees them and i think if you are around you should try to tolerate it a little.

You will need extra strength in your relationship to get you through. I am sure he really loves you and appreciates your support but if you really cannot accept that he is putting his children before you then maybe this relationship is not for you. It will never be as straightforward as a relationship where you and your partner have your own children so you both will need to help each other out a little.

You have chosen to become involved with someone with a ready made family so it is important that you try to include the children in the things you do when you are with them.

The time you spend alone is the time when you can show your feelings for one another but when the children are there and until they are much older they will always be his top priority but that is not to say he will just forget about you of course he won't. It is a different love he has for you and i'm sure you are very important to him as well.

When you are young and meet someone without children being involved it is totally different experience, you grow together and when children come along there is a slight reshuffle in the relationship and the love you have for your partner does not change but you accommodate the children as well.

It is difficult because although you love him you do not yet share the love he has for his children and you are more than likely a little jealous of the attention they receive. It is difficult but not impossible if you love each other i'm sure things will work out for the best. Good luck x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009):

It is ridiculous to think that his kids should come first. His kids will soon grow up and begin their own adventures - without their parents. That's the way it should be. However, your relationship with your partner will go on long after the kids are out of the house. Partners share things that parents/kids never will. His kids will always be his kids, but his kids won't be there when he's sick, needs to pay bills, wants sex, etc.

The relationship between committed partners is a far more special and lasting one than parents/kids. You can live without your kids - you will soon have to. But try to live a day without the love of your life. Can't be done.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I also would like you guys to know that I did not choose my tittle. I should have. I would never ever put him in that situation ever. My step mom tried to do that to my dad and of course he chose us. I would never put him in that situation because I already know the answer. I just needed a little advice. I've know now that I was just being extremely selfish.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

This is all good advice. Thanks guys. I do know his kids and they do know me. they are still young and just the and just the perfect littlew miracles you will ever meet.he's the coolest dad ever he's a big kid at heart. He is very much involved in their lives which I think is absolutely great. I guess I can look at this as a good thing. If I were to have kids with him I won't be have to worry about not knowing what to do he's pretty smart and he's been through this twice. But a little advice and direction from you guys helps. It might be a little tough for me to look past all this because I'm super sensitive. I hate it.

thanx

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A female reader, Full moon temptress1 United Kingdom +, writes (7 May 2009):

I think when you become a mom,you will know how it feels.X

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A male reader, Trias21 Canada +, writes (7 May 2009):

I think you should be proud of him.

Definitely don't feel jealous for attention - imagine years from now he'll love your children the same way.

You'll be happy mom and wife.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009):

I didn't see your first reply..

But nobody can have 100% devotion to ONE person. You deserve devotion, yes, but his kids do too. And if you have another with him, then that child will too. Be thoughtfil and selfless.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009):

My husband comes before my child because i had the child with him. If i remarried.. my kids would come first. That's the way it is. romance comes and goes but parents have an ultimate devotion to their children. He's doing the right thing..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Ok I wrotew a reply but I'm doing this on a phone so I'm not sure if you got my reply I just feel that when you marry someone you wifew or you husband some first then come your kids and they come first together. But I feel like there is a gap I was never will come first to him. That's the way it should be in the average relationship. I'm just stuggling with should I just get over thi? because I love him so much. Or do I move on to find someone who doesn't have any kids?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well I definitely understand that they do come first. And I definitely do not agree if he does choose me before them. but I did not include that he does want to have kids with me. But I kind of feel like if I were to start my own family with him that it wouldn't have his full devotion to us. Because he has other kids he has to be devoted to. I guess I just want 100% devotion. I believe that I deserve it. I'm not ok with being put on the back burner when you start a family you are completly devoted to your husbad or wife first. Then come your kids and then they have your full devotion. But now there's a gap. Therew was never a 100% devotion to me first. And that what I'm really stuggling with I don't know wether to get over it. Or just find someone kidless. Because I love him dearly.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009):

His kids should come first. They depend on him and he has cared for them his whole life. You should work on understanding that. Kids are very sensative to their environment growing and without both parents living together, they need full support on both ends. They come first, that's all there is to it. If he had to choose and chose you over his kids, that would be extrememly dishonerable.

The best thing you can do it try to relate and get closer to his kids. Parents should have full devotion, and with your current attitude, he may feel a little nervouse about having kids with you. let him know that you could be an amazing parent and know how to put your kids before yourself and anything else. After you have connected with his kids and learned more about parent/child relationships, maybe you will have your own family. You can still have kids wtih him eventhough he already has some. When you are both ready of course.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009):

Realistically......You will have to except this for the rest of your life whilst you are in a relationship with him. If you have a great relationship with his children and him then his answer may one day be "I would die saving you all."

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A female reader, niki20 United States +, writes (7 May 2009):

niki20 agony aunthell always choose his kids. although he may love you there a dad/ child bond there that you would never be able to have w/him. if you want to spend time w/ him try inviting all of them, picnic, park, zoo that way you he gets his time w/ them and you get your time w/ him as well. if you want to have children spek w/him about it. good luck hope this helped

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