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female
age
51-59,
*oopeelala
writes: now it is worse! I have gone broadband after my bloke convincing me it would be faster for me on ebay etc, I did this on the 12th jan. all good, but on 18th i go out for my daughters 11th birthday to find he has been using it for big boobs porn and over 20 links in the history! He admitted to having a w*** in the bathroom!! I can't have sex at moment due to a miscarrage last year and painful sex so waiting on NHS for a scan to see what is wrong. My fault cos he is young and needs it!! I lost the baby cos of the strss he put me under last year so his fault he is not getting it!!! I asked him why, he said a link popped up so he had a quick look!! Wotever!! History on pc said different!! He was on it the week before!!! Feel unsexy, gross, cheated and no way can i trust him!! How can i have sex with a man who is thinking of bigger boobs and dirty women!! I just don't match up!!I can't look at him! i'm so depressed and down about it. my self esteam lost!! He has promised to stop but i know he won't, i have put parental control on his user but he just goes to mcdonalds and uses there internet connection! I have no faith or trust. I want it out of my life. Why do these women do this to us? Thanks alot. I thought i was sexy to him but i obviously not good enough. When i sugested a few creams from ann summers before xmas he had right hump! I'm not good enough for you, don't turn you on, man ego slapped. So what was the porn about? Hurt me so deep. I told him to leave, it over but he won't go. he has ruined me as a woman, i feel cheap, dirty, and cheated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2007): Oh...that whole it's your fault...what he means to say is he feels rejected and abandoned by your lack of interest in sex and this is a deep wound for him and you are HURTING HIM...causing HIM PAIN.
He wants to be intimate with you and unfortunately...it translates as sex.
So the appeal of sex with some stranger via internet is something he can do without committing; adultry or cheating on his spouse.
It may not make sense to you but...he is re-acting to your with holding and now you are trying to justify your with holding (which is punishment...you are putting so much of your unhappiness onto him its saddening as ...I can see it is not about him but really, your past...poor bloke) as it is his fault that he makes you feel unloved and unattractive.
HE FEELS THE SAME WAY!!
LISTEN.
Counselling will help you read between the lines when your man talks to you...it will teach you to translate.
YES we women need to learn how to translate and men need to do it too!
Jeesh!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2007): Just in case ...that whole it sounds like boyfriend has abusive traits as well...
That you are withholding sex and justifying it and excusing this emotional black mail...signifies to me that you are an abuser.
You both are now abusive partners and both at fault.
You both need counselling to identify your triggers, your past traumas, and who is your original abusers so that you can deal with and the work on healing out your past...so that you can now identify the why you feel what you do and know that you both are bringing up your past and putting alot of the burden on one another....there is little ownership of your roles in this abusive, neglectful dynamic.
Get some counsellig PRONTO!
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A
male
reader, W  +, writes (25 January 2007):
Let me get this straight:
1. You can't have currently penetrative vaginal sex, and therefore you refuse to have any sex with him AT ALL. I didn't quite understand this bit. There are a whole bunch of things in sex and let me tell you as a guy that isn't even my favourite one. I'm guessing it's about more than a medical condition - the miscarriage (sorry to hear that btw) left you upset and hurt and irrationally angry with him, and it's put you off the whole sex thing. That is human and understandable, but you somehow have to come to terms with it and accept that crappy things just happen that aren't anyone's fault. You simply cannot say "I lost the baby cos of the stress he put me under last year so his fault he is not getting it." He did not do anything wrong. You did not do anything wrong. It just happened. It was a terrible thing to go through. I totally agree with the suggestion to go to counselling together. You guys need to talk this out.
2. Following your total sex ban, you discover your frustrated partner looking at porn, and he has even had one off the wrist in the bathroom. What? A sexually frustrated man masturbating? How dare he! This is again completely natural and normal and understandable. No good will come of trying to be so controlling. Perhaps you want to be in control after what happened to you, but for the sake of your relationship and your happiness you should try to remember you care about the poor guy and have a little compassion. He probably cares about you too. You could help him out a little, medical condition or no medical condition.
btw we ALL think about dirty women. They are nice. Be one.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (23 January 2007):
 There is no wonder the communication, sexual or otherwise, has gone out of the window in this relationship. Look at how you talk about this man you are with because you allegedly 'love' him.
How did the stress he put you under make you lose your baby? If tha stress was indeed that bad I will question you as to why you are even together now?
It is nobodys fault you cannot have sex, sometimes these things happen. So until you stop blaming him for your miscarriage and pain you will never have any sort of realtionship to speak of. That is a fact. How can you hope to conect emotionally with this person whilst he is(in your mind) the sole cause of all your woes?
As too his using porn. why is this a problem? Does it make you feel inadequate? What is wrong with him going to relieve himself in the bathroom if he is unable to have sex with you?
If the pain you suffer is only on penetrative sex there are so many other things you could be doing together to bring the love and closeness back into your relationship.
I suggest you ask him if he will go to relationship counselling with you, to help you find ways of communicating your feelings to each other without all the 'blame' that has gone on before.
Good luck.
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): Although it wont solve your relationship problems you have every right to feel angry....Porn is so disrespectful and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves. To be honest I think counseling would be a good idea and most probably leaving this relationship....You deserve better than a guy who supports this industry and disrespects you...but save your breath , IMO when guys are into porn they will do anything to defend their use of it...they frankly dont care that it hurts you , disrespects women and totally dishonours the sacred sharing of your body (that would hopefully have happened soon after you sort out your medical issues.) If a man thinks so little of his partner sharing her body with him that he simply seeks out any naked female for pleasure, it really shows how special it is NOT to him.....get help for you and ditch the wanker
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): Are you using this website as a way of venting how frustrated you are about this man? Or do you actually want advice in having a better relationship?
It sounds like the best thing you can do - if you want the relationship to end - is to make proper plans for him to leave you so that you can move on with your life.
If not - well, slagging him off on here isn't going to do any good, I doubt it will even make you feel better - unless you happen to get a lot of people feeling sorry for you.
You need to calm down and talk to him more reasonably if you want to be able to get anywhere with him. Loose the accusing tone, remember the reasons why you got together with this guy and if that still means anything to you both work towards fixing things, counseling seems like a good option. But if he seems to have changed how he sees you - time to go your seperate ways, I'm sure you'll agree.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): It's not your fault...it's his choice. How lame and who was he kidding?
Listen.
Please seek out your local women's support group. Find one and join so you can talk and be related to and supported.
This is something you desparately need.
Also, please seek out help to deal with your emotional scars over the miscarriage.
It sounds like you have had some issues before all this began and that your BF has abusive tendancies as well.
Get some support and counselling ASAP.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, x..HelpfulWun..x +, writes (23 January 2007):
 Prehaps you should make him sit down and say what your feeling, tell him that he was the one tht made you cant have it.
why can he enjoy the pleasures of that stuff when you cannot. dont worry if you tell him straight he would understand.
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