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He's still reading playboy and penthouse despite us dating for two years!

Tagged as: Dating, Pornography<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 March 2006) 7 Answers - (Newest, 2 April 2006)
A female , *hunky_monkey writes:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. Since the beginning I have told him that I find porn degrading to women. He told me that he didn't feel comfortable reading them since the month we started dating but i found issues until 4 months after, first lie. Then this past september he started college and moved away only seeing me every other weekend. I found out that in early fall he bought another playboy for an interview with geogre carlin bt i know it was for more. Then he later in January offered to list items for a older friend on ebay. He told me all of what he was listing beside a main one, penthous magazine. I couldn't believe he kept it from me for more than a month until i my a mistake came acrossed it. That was my breaking point. We have argued a lot since to the point of him promising never to have anymore porn and got rid of his own. The problem is that no i am worried that he will still buy it an not tell me, like while he is away at school. I can't stop worrying about him, the porn and I don't know what to do about it. I agreed with my boyfriend when he said i need closure on this and forgive and forget. I have forgiven but forgetting is hard. Any ideas of what i should do, I am totally lost?

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A female reader, chunky_monkey +, writes (2 April 2006):

chunky_monkey is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks everyone whom has helped me. I have decided to let it go because i must mean something to him if he got rid of them for me. I am just depressed now because i found out that he also kept smoking from time to time less than 10 in 4 months. I just feel betrayed more than this. I just put up a question for it will proably be up april 3, if you could help that would be wonderful.

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A female reader, mystify +, writes (26 March 2006):

mystify agony aunti had gone away and given this posting some thought , znd i imagined AS someone eho would be hurt by this type of behaviour, like jadzia said, well at least if i read your first comments i would be feeling more dismayed.

you probably dont want to hear that your boyfriend was using these mags for " just wanking" , that probably is the last thing you wana hear, and the worst , ignore these comments, they are probably the extreme you dont wana know , and dont have to if he has quit , he may of just been being "a lad " he may of been "reading the article" and just thinking "they look nice" but no more,

if you intend to on withthis relationship and he has quit , make it easy on yourself and dont torture yourself with the "what ifs" but most importantly dont compromise yourself , it will only end inheartache

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (26 March 2006):

willywombat agony auntThere have been two sides of the coin offered to you here. I am gonna add my tuppence for what it is worth.

If this is a problem for you then he should be respecting it. But as the first two writer's said, in THEIR opinion, there is nothing wrong with it.

Unfortunately, I do believe this issue is also about you controlling your bf's behaviour. You cannot control what he does whilst he is away at school any more than he can control you. If this is worrying you to this extent I really believe that you have some issues that you need to sort out. Yes he has lied, but I think he did it to avoid hurting you. But if this plays on your mind whilst he is away should you be having a distance relationship with somebody you so obviously don't trust?

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A female reader, Jadzia1127 United States +, writes (26 March 2006):

Jadzia1127 agony aunt Please, please, please don't listen to the first two people who wrote to you. That kind of thinking could pay for years of counselling. Thank heaven mystify actually put out some real help for you.

To say that you should blow off hurt of any kind, unless it gets really bad, is ridiculous. That is like telling a woman a little smack is nothing, that she shouldn't complain until it gets really bad!

Also to give men excuses for their lack of control just sets women up, to take the fall. Men can control themselves as much as a woman and are responsible for all their choices.

Your feelings are justified. In a good relationship we don't wear each other down we build each other up. I do wish you all the luck in the world with your relationship but don't sacrifice yourself for it.

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A female reader, mystify +, writes (25 March 2006):

mystify agony auntif he has stopped looking at it , then just remember he has become a better person , he is not who he used to be , that way you can detach the new partner from the old one that he used to be, concentrate on the future and the past should start to fade away.

if you find this impossible to do and the pain prooves too much then move on and find happiness with someone who would not hurt you in this way.

by the way , men do not need porn to masterbate and are completely capable of fantasizing in thier head or just having a quick wank just for the physical release without porn, this is just another excuse for it!

my husband has plenty of fantasys in his head that he tells me about while we are having sex, (sometimes its hard to shut him up , ;) hehe) AND they are all about me , not some porn star!

he is worse than me for having an imagination!

well anyway , what on earth did men do way back when if they got a "strong sexual urge" , when there was no porn mags , strip joints, etc...

well i would say he probably had a good wank without it!

chunkey monkey , there are alot of people on this site who will say just accept it and drum up all sorts of "facts & figures" (all with no real proof) to make it "perfectly acceptable" and that is fine for im sure it helps some people but my advice is that , it does hurt , it is hard to forget and these feelings ARE "perfectly naturel" as the many posting of unconsolable women will show.

i would say dont try compromise or opress your feelings, there are men out there who have the love and respect to fulfil your needs if you truley cant get over what your boyfriend has done

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A female reader, juliagulia United Kingdom +, writes (24 March 2006):

juliagulia agony auntThis is a hard question for me. Mainly because I can't help but wonder why you are making such a big deal of it. I understand your feelings about the exploitation of women, but men are "exploited" as well (there is nearly as much gay porn as straight porn), and it isn't only men that look at porn. Tons of women do it, too! Most likely since you are away from each other a lot, he bought the magazines to help him masturbate. Surely you don't have a problem with him masturbating!!! Men are visual, it is difficult for them to fantasize in their minds, so they just look at pictures. Plain and simple. It has nothing to do with you. I agree that if he is spending hours looking and hundreds of dollars on porn, then you need to be concerned that he has an addiction. But it sounds to me like he is just a normal dude trying to take care of business while you are away. If you feel that way about porn, then don't look at it! Ask him to keep the magazines put away. But don't try to control him - it will only drive him away eventually. You have made your feelings known, now I think you need to let it go.

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A female reader, Clarey United Kingdom +, writes (24 March 2006):

Clarey agony auntThis is a tough one and I used to feel the same way as you. When I was young I used to take a felt tipped pen to the barbers when my Dad got his hair cut and I drew bras on the topless women in the magazines there. I did and still do look upon the porn industry with concern and the prostitution and exploitation which exists at the sharp end. However, many couples enjoy erotica together. I remember that even while I objected to porn when I was young, that I did respond to it myself and I was disturbed by that. It even made me feel a bit sick. Now I find my attitude softening and I am finally exploring my sexuality with a more open mind. I think it is because I trust my partner and we can share some erotic things, nothing in poor taste. Boys are not being unfaithful when they buy pornographic magazines, it is simple curiosity, not shameful. They are stimluated by visual images and it is a feature of their brains! It does not mean that you are less loved. The emotional connection that exists with you is intact. This is possibly about your developing boundaries to do with sex and your need to feel secure within the relationship and not feel that he is being unfaithful with his eyes. Some women may get cross if their man has a quick peek at beauties on the beach, I prefer to buy him a pair of dark sunglasses so I don't have to notice. Then we laugh! I do agree that there is an awful lot to be concerned about to do with pornography and we should all keep re-considering our feelings about it. At the very least your boyfriend should keep these magazines away from you. If he starts looking at stuff on the Internet for hours or doing other things then be more concerned. Otherwise he is not doing anything abnormal but you need to be kept out of it if you are uncomfortable. I now it is difficult not to see it as an unfaithfulness, but it really isn't.

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