A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I apologize in advance...this is a long one!I met a guy on Tinder back in March of this year. I was going to be in San Francisco for a few days and wanted to meet people while there so I changed my location to SF and started talking to him. He knew I was on the east coast and only coming for a visit. We talked for 2 months and more or less agreed that he was going to be my "West Coast" bf while I am there. That said we were constantly texting and talking on the phone leading up to my trip. I had no expectations about us, didn't even know if we would have chemistry in person so didn't commit to anything but when we finally met, we did have chemistry and had sex almost immediately. The whole trip was awesome. He showed me around and stayed overnight a couple times. It was really like having a boyfriend and felt really since I hadn't experienced that since breaking up with my ex 2 years prior.When I came back to the east coast, I realized that I had really fallen for him (never expected it) and talked to him about it but he said that it was just a fling and we have distance and so there is no possibility of being a couple. I was open to moving there (reason why i was going to SF in the first place) but it didn't seem to change his mind.He kinda says that he doesn't want a relationship but at the same time I know he's still looking on tinder and bumble etc and I know he does want a girlfriend.I had been trying to get him to visit me and had kinda lost hope but we were still texting and one days things got a little hot and heavy and he said he wanted to come visit me, obviously for sex and probably to get away too. I knew the situation but I took it as maybe another chance to spend time with him and maybe get him to like me more. He came, we had great sex but again, he said that he didn't want to date, was unavailable etc etcSo that was the end of it. He left and I finally had my answer about "us". We stopped texting but stayed friends on social media where I could sometimes see his posts about his dating life. Fast forward to now (4 months after our first meeting), I am going to be in SF again for a job interview in 2 weeks. I wasn't planning on telling him because I was going to be with a friend but she bailed on me and now I am going to be alone for 4 days. So out of impulse, I texted him that I was going to be there. And he said he'd love to see me (obviously to hook up again). I am a little torn about it now because last night, he just posted a comment on FB about a date that didn't go well and that he really wants to find a gf. And it hurt, once again. Clearly, he only wants sex and fun from me but he doesn't want me as a girlfriend. The sex is awesome and I am not getting laid where I am so the prospect of having sex with him again sounds great to me but at the same time I hate knowing that he's rejecting me. So I don't know what to do now. I know the right thing would be to not see him again but I kinda want the sex still. I don't know how to be in that situation. I want to respect myself and not waste time on someone who doesn't like me that way but I also want the fun and the company while I am there. Please help!
View related questions:
my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 Dear, now is the time to show that you have some self respect. Don't settle for being treated like garbage when you know that you deserve much more. Have a backbone and stick to your guns.
A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (22 September 2017):
Don't settle for being his f buddy, you are worth a lot more then that. I can understand the falling in love w/tinder guys, been there myself. Do not give up what you want (being in a relationship) to get bread crumbs from guys. Moving to a new city is scary, but he isn't the only person who lives there. Tell him no, continue dating on tinder, but do not hook up, very easy way to be used for sex.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2017): You met the guy on Tindr, and the whole connection was based on a hooking-up. Your feelings don't matter as far as he's concerned. He told you he doesn't want a relationship. What part of that don't you understand? He's happy to be your f*ck-buddy, or friend with benefits.
You drop-by, do the deed, and be on your merry little way. That's how it goes. Your presence won't necessarily manipulate his feelings, or change the course of events.
It's a little scary to think you can meet some stranger and fall for him in only the span of four days. You know absolutely nothing about him. You know where he lives, possibly his name, and only what can be discovered over a long weekend. Your feelings are based on a good-time, possibly his looks; but little else. All you know is you had a good four-day date. He could be a serial-killer for all you know.
Tindr is not meant for finding the love of your life. It's to get to know single and available people for fun with no strings attached. To by-pass all the formalities and rituals associated with finding a match and courtship. It's a shortcut to hookups. You should have kept that in-mind when you went and had that "fling." Which he wasted no time reminding you that's all it was. It's an infatuation. He doesn't reciprocate your feelings.
Of course you are welcome for another round. Just don't think sex is going to change his mind about not wanting a relationship.
I don't believe you're moving to SF for any other reason than to try to pursue this guy. Be determined as you may; you're wasting your time.
If you get the job, focus on your relocation and getting your life in order. Leave him out of it. He will only be a distraction; and will think you're a stalking-nutcase, if you don't.
Subscribe to a reputable dating-site; once you're up and running. Not before you've adapted and adjusted to your new location. Being disorganized and unfamiliar with your environment will lead to unnecessary mistakes. You'll act on impulse, and may get seriously hurt.
Once you're displaced, loneliness quickly turns to desperation; when you're in a new place with few or no friends. You'll be chasing him, and he'll treat you like a virus.
You said you intended to relocate for the purpose of a job and a new life. Then focus on that. You're not in your impetuous 20's; and you're mature enough to know better.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 September 2017):
 I honestly don't know how you can allow a man to treat you like this. Me personally it would really affect my confidence if I knew a man wanted a girlfriend but only used me for sex. He has told you so many times, yet you are not truly accepting it and hoping he will change his mind. His mind is made up and he is not going to change it. If you are looking for a relationship stop keeping in contact with this man, stop looking at his social media. All he is doing is hurting you. It is clear you have feelings for him, so meeting up for sex won't just be a bit off fun for you, it will end up just hurting you even more. He knows you have feelings for him but he has told you he does not want anything but a fling from you, and if he was a decent guy he would have ignored your messages about meeting up when he knows it could hurt you.
...............................
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (21 September 2017):
 Aside from the fact he's a sleazy user, he's treating you like a piece of shit- "I want to F u but I don't want to date you" men/women have those thoughts but to have so little respect and SAY you're not worth dating; to not care for your feelings- to come out and say he doesn't think you're on his level or whatever is an appalling way to treat someone.
Why do you want to be ANYWHERE near him? I honestly think if you pursue this you're validating any feelings you have of low self worth- he's said "that's all he thinks you're worth" and you're going to validate that in your own head if you just go along with him!
He's a WASTE OF TIME- I think if you just found something fulfilling that you enjoy in life, that gives you drive, you'll be able to occupy yourself without having to devalue and seel yourself out.
Don't do it. It's one/two nights, come on- don't damage your self esteem
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 September 2017):
 You're only there for 4 days, surely you can enjoy the place on your own without having to devalue yourself to someone who only wants you for sex.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 September 2017):
 He does want a GF, just not YOU. He decided that a long time ago. After your first hook-up. You ignored his words and was willing to "settle" for him coming to your side of the country for a HOOK UP (because he has already TOLD you he didn't want a relationship with you) - in hopes that he would change his mind.
I TRULY hope that you aren't looking for a job in SF for HIS sake - because that would be stupid to leave everything behind for a guy who has told you repeatedly that he doesn't WANT to date you, only chat and fuck you.
You ARE wasting time on him if you are hoping for more. And yes, he has rejected you as GF material. So why still offer it up? If you do go and have sex and "company" then you are BOTH using each other. Not just him using you.
Why not look around and see if there are some meetup groups going on at the same time you are in town? I'm sure you can do a job interview and visit SF without HAVING to have sex... right?
I'd say have some dignity and stop wasting your time on a dude who just wants a chick (you) to hold his penis for a few.
And meeting dudes on Tindr/Bumble - you kind get that kind as it's pretty well known for being a hook-up site and NOT a dating app.
...............................
|
