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He's not hit me. But could the other things he does be called abuse? what should I do?

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 March 2016) 15 Answers - (Newest, 17 March 2016)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

To be blunt and simple, when my year long boyfriend and i argue, he pushes me around.

He'll grab me and squeeze my face, throw me down, he'll push me in front of almost anyone..

All throughout the year, he's never hit me though.

He will punch the walls, windows, etc. But he doesnt hit me.

Just the pushing, pulling my hair, he's bitten me before, etc.

As of lately hes only been pushing me and grabbing my face.

Is that abuse? He was my best friend for nine years. Will it progress after a year of it staying the same or could it always stay this same way? Thank you in advance

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2016):

My dear lady, get out, get out, get out, get out now and never ever look back. I know this will be hard because what he has acheived is to make your fundamentally question your sense of what is 'normal' behaviour, and to trample down your self esteem to such an extent that you believe this to be potentially, in some world, acceptable. Get out now. It will not get better. It may get much much worse, you will completely lose your sense of self, and in worse case scenario he may end up killing you or any children you may have together. Leave. See a trauma counsellor immediately (one who specialises in ptsd) and download and read this book 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men' by Lundy Bancroft. S someone who has been in and left two abusive relationships, I've finally realised, in the words of Aimee Mann 'it's not going to stop til you wise up'. Wise up. Leave now.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2016):

Leave him ... yes it is abuse simple

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (14 March 2016):

So_Very_Confused agony auntIt's very much abuse.

It will probably escalate but even if it does not it's already at the "LEAVE HIM NOW" stage.

Are you waiting for the day he punches YOU instead of the wall?

what makes HITTING you vs squeezing, biting you the deal breaker?

is killing you the deal breaker?

is breaking a bone a deal breaker?

what would this abuser need to do to make you leave him?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 March 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Of course it's abuse ! He is pulling your hair, he's biting you, he is shoving you around... just because you do not hear a " slap " sound, or the crunch of broken bones, it does not mean though that you do not feel physical pain because of his actions, and that his actions aren't meant to cause hurt ! , and to intimidate you ( this one, would be psychological abuse )

And yes, most likely it will progress, there will be a slow and steady escalation in violence. But even if things stayed always the same as now..... why, would you be ok with being pushed and grabbed and bitten , for the rest of your life ??...

You know what you have got to do : leave him now. Like, today. I am sure that at some level you know it very well already. I am also pretty sure that you don't want to do it, and that you are desperately seeking excuses for not doing it. Like, if he does not punch you straight on your nose, then,.... maybe it is not really abuse....

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (14 March 2016):

femmenoir agony auntThis is absolute abuse!!

Your bf doesn't have to "hit you" in order for him to be called an abuser, because what he is already doing is full on abuse!

He pushes you, pulls your hair, has bitten you, punches walls, etc; etc;, then this makes him a very abusing and aggressive person.

He has entered your personal space and way too much, so for this alone, he is an abusive person.

The worst part is yet to come and i pray and hope that you get out of this horrid relationship, before he potentially hits you, or even tries to kill you. It's very, very possible and saying sorry, is not enough!

Words are cheap and actions speak louder than words, remember that.

Get out while you still can!!

Best of luck.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (14 March 2016):

Danielepew agony auntHe will lose it at some point. Leave this man.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (14 March 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntHe bit you!!!! Enough said

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A female reader, Rebeccaa United Kingdom +, writes (13 March 2016):

Rebeccaa agony auntThis is for sure abuse! My first ever boyfriend did this to me. He raised his fist to me once but never actually hit me. Get rid asap it will only escalate.

Best of luck x

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (13 March 2016):

chigirl agony auntYes, this is abuse, physical abuse. He lays his hands on you, restricts your movement, is violent towards you. Violence is not only in punches or being slapped. Violence is also PUSHING, GRABBING, PULLING YOUR HAIR and other things you mention.

You should take this seriously. Being treated this way is NOT acceptable and NOT something you should think is okay. Even if he was your best friend and you love him, you can not let yourself get hurt and treated this way.

Abuse commonly escalated to the point of either killing the other, or causing serious injury. It's not unlikely that since he is already pushing you around, he will soon push you with such force that you fall and land on something that will cause you to hurt yourself, like a glass table, a chair, down the stairs etc. His behaviour is dangerous.

This is not healthy. I hope you can get away. Don't forget that long before the physical abuse started, in almost all cases there is psychological abuse first. The psychological abuse is him planting ideas into your head about you not being worth anything, you being below him, hardly worthy of him, him doing you a favour by being with you, you not being able to find someone else, you not being allowed to see certain friends, dress in certain ways etc. Ways to control you. This abuse, in return, is what will make it hard to leave. Because after hearing it so often, you start to believe it, and start to believe this relationship is as good as it gets and that you can't do any better, or deserve any better.

But this is NOT TRUE. You deserve better! You deserve to be treated with respect, and without abuse!

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A female reader, miss frank United Kingdom +, writes (13 March 2016):

Hi. Absolutely this is abuse. There is no doubt, you are in an abusive relationship. This will only get worse, please know this. I've been where you are now. Leave him, yell someone, get away.good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2016):

If someone claims they care about you/love you but choose to hurt you in any way which may include emotionally and physically, it's abuse and that's something no-one deserves.

Any relationship in which there are signs of abuse should be immediately abandoned, and any amount of 'sorry' from the abuser is not enough as they almost always keep on hurting because they know that if you've dealt with being hurt once and you forgave them, you'll blindly forgive them again and again and again. Which will just lead you to being stuck in a constant circle of sadness and hopelessness.

The most responsible thing to do would be to leave this guy as from experience, abusers do not change. Leave before he hurts you again.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (13 March 2016):

mystiquek agony auntIts abuse. Abuse can be physical or mental. I was married to an abusive man (he was both physical and mentally abusive). He wasn't that way when I married him but he had a temper and I knew it. He would punch walls, doors, windows..never touched me. That started after we married. At first it was a push, a slap and it ended the day he broke my arm. I divorced him before he started hurting our infant daughter. Get out! It will continue to get worse. Some women wait too long and never have the chance to leave alive. Don't become one of them!

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (13 March 2016):

like I see it agony auntYes, it is abuse.

Yes, it WILL escalate. Bear in mind that the first year or so of dating is the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship. This is him on his BEST behavior. When he gets comfortable enough in the relationship and satisfied you're not going to wise up and leave him, he will be hitting you and not inanimate objects. Realize that every time he does that now, it's you he WANTS to be hitting.

Please, please get out now, before he seriously hurts you. Involve law enforcement if you have to. Get a restraining order if that's what it takes. But you need to get away from this guy right away.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2016):

If he's pushed you, bit you, pulled your hair then that is the same as hitting. He doesn't need to slap or thump to abuse you. Please get out now. You're worth more.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntOf course it's abuse. Abuse is not "just" being hit and hitting someone.

My questions to you are these:

1. has the VIOLENCE towards you, the pulling hair, pushing you around, etc. escalated over that year you have dated?

IF so, then it will continue to escalate if you CONTINUE to date him and thus "allow" the abuse. It's almost GUARANTEED. He is now hitting walls (instead of you) but at some point in time it WILL be your face that gets that punch.

2. WHY have you not left or ended this? WHY do YOU think it's OK for him to push you, pull your hair, biting? IF you saw your MOM or SISTER being treated this way would you not tell her to GET AWAY?

It's NOT love. You DO NOT deserve this.

3. What if you get pregnant? IS that something you WANT your kid to grow up with? To see as normal?

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/

http://www.thehotline.org/help/

http://www.loveisrespect.org/

Please look at some of those links. EDUCATE yourself. And then find a way to leave him SAFELY.

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