A
male
age
51-59,
*adsongillis
writes:I recently hired a new male employee (I am a gay male) who is 16 years younger than me. We have a great relationship at work and have even hung around together after work on a few occasions. He knows that I am gay, and single, and he is well over 18, so this is not an inappropriate relationship between older and younger. We always goof around with each other using sexual inuendos, and I have made it clear that I like him very much, which does not seem to bother him. In fact he seems to like all the attention and does all he can to spend as much time with me as possible during work or during breaks. My issue is he claims to be straight but I get all the signs that he likes me more than just friends. I am very confused by him. I know I am his employer so that makes it a little more complicated, but we are more like good friends than employee and boss. He has been single for at least the past three years, and from what he has told me, has never had a serious relationship with a woman that lasted more than ten months. I admit that I am attracted to him but do you think that it's all wishful thinking on my part? I have confided with some others at work about it and the feedback I have received is about 50/50. Some say he is straight and others think he is interested. I would love some advice as to how to proceed. Do I just ignore the feelings and be grateful for the relationship we have now, do I continue with letting him know he is the apple of my eye, or do I end it all and see if he takes it further on his own? And for those people that say "just ask him", I already have with no luck. Just being good friends is cool, but I would like so much more.Thank's for any advice you can give.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 October 2011):
 Good luck!
A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (25 October 2011):
 I don't think its all wishful thinking. You should pursue your inner feelings if you like him. However don't make any advances on him or flirt during office hours. Hardly any straight guy would enjoy hanging out with you so much if they weren't gay. He could be attracted to you, or/and likes your company because he is fascinated that you are gay, because he has some sort of gay tendencies. He is in the closet if he didn't tell you he is gay, or doesn't want to tell you because he prefers to be friends. Invite him out on the weekends or after work but keep it confidential from your employees.
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A
male
reader, dadsongillis +, writes (25 October 2011):
dadsongillis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you folks. Sometime we need to hear from people outside of the situation for it to sink in. I will move on and be greatful for the new friend.
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A
male
reader, dadsongillis +, writes (25 October 2011):
dadsongillis is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have to say that the replies to my question have been very uniform in content and I would have to agree with all of you. I run the risk of a law suit if I push my feelings to hard, and worst of all I run the risk of destroying a great friendship by not keep on my side of the boss and employee fence. I think I knew the answer myself even after I wrote it, but didn't want to accept it. I guess I will just enjoy his company and employment and continue my search for the man of my dreams. Thank you all for not being to harsh with me. Sometimes it helps to hear from people on the outside of the situation. They can give the best advice!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2011): Let me get this straight: u pointblank asked him about his sexual orientation and he told u he was straight? And yet u want to disprove this?U are applying gentle pressure on him. Can u picture this that's always depicted in movies: a sleazy boss gently/unconsciously rubbing up against his worker ? Sexual jokes, where he hints he is going to get her? That look that says I want u? Or I'm going to take what I want even though I know its wrong? Now Picture the recipients feelings/attitude towards this sexual intimidation? Can u see an ugly picture forming?The others have touched upon your position of power in the workplace so I'm not going to add too much more. You are playing with fire. Your employee may Be disgusted with your behaviour but he is too scared to say anything therefore he plays along. If u want to be slapped with a sexual harressment order then u will continue. But if u want to avert this disaster u will back off. This "kid" is young, yes over 18 but hell, he's fresh meat. Don't prowl! LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2011): It may not be innappropriate due to age, but your attitude towards your employee is innappropriate.
It is called sexual harrassment.
You already asked and he said NO.
You assume he is gay, but he claims to be straight. Think about it. His claim could be due to that he is avoiding your advances OR that he has not addressed his gender preference issues.
You are in a position of authority and leadership. It would be innappropriate for you to steer him to exploring his sexuality for your benefit/curiosity.
He may seek you out at work because he likes your work relationship. He admires you as a boss. Keep it professional or you might find yourself getting sued for harrassment.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 October 2011):
Since you are his boss and in the "position of power" I think you need to cool it. I'm pretty sure he likes your company and his job, but he should NEVER feel like he HAS to date the boss to keep his job, know what I mean ?
(and I'm not saying that you would fire him if he turned you down - I jsut don't think it would be the smartest thing to try and date a co-woker, specially one you get on with so well.)
If he claims to be straight, well then he might not be ready to 1. admit he is gay/bisexual 2. a gay relationship.
Honestly, the only real choice I see you having is enjoying his company and friendship. Enjoy the Bromance.
Now if HE at some point in time come to you and declare his feelings, you can jump at it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I am not sure I got this right, but if you have asked him and been turned down, you have no other option than leave it as it is and enjoy what you have now.
I think we should always give people the courtesy to assume that they are reasoning and reasonable adults, and they are in charge of their wants and needs. So, if he says he is straight, he is straight.
It may be perhaps that deep down he is not, and that he is hiding homosexual or bisexual leanings- but you are not his shrink, therapist , or spiritual guide ,it's not your role tryng to make them come out if he is not ready. Let him deal wiith his sexual orientation choices by himself, at his own pace, and in the meantime respect his official identification as heterosexual.
His quality of your employee should also double your prudence anyway, even if here openly gay. There is a fine line between
courting somebody and harassing him on the job, and I am sure you don't want to risk crossing it.
Remember , also , that many young men are as vain as peacocks, and lap up any kind of attention wherever it comes from. Maybe he knows perfectly WHY you like him so much and you seek his company, and for him that's a pleasant ego boost, considering you are older and more " powerful ". Some people just like to be liked, and won't discourage any display of attention or appreciation from any source. But , from this, to taking it to another level.... huuuge difference.
Conclusion : watch your step, and ditch the love proffers.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I think you have only one option, which covers all bases.
You have to keep your feelings in check (possibly just for now, possibly forever) and be grateful for the relationship you have now. If he says he isn't gay, then even if he might be, he is not ready to accept it yet. He may not be, though. He may simply enjoy your company and like the attention. He may be basking in your appreciation, but have no intention of anything further. I honestly suspect that is the case.
I think you should keep your card very close to your chest. You risk being not only hurt but also embarrassed at work, and you are his boss, so do have that position of reponsibility to consider. If things became unbearable, he might leave, or, worst case scenario, accuse you of sexual harrassment. I think you need to be very careful.
To be honest, I think just keep things as they are and if you want to test the water, just say things like 'It's a pity you are gay, because I'd snap you up if you were', etc. That is something that would freak a straight guy out, I think, but if he is interested, you are literally saying: I don't know what you feel, but I know what I feel. If you want me, I'm here. - and that is the most you can say, and even that obliquely.
But have to say I think you would be better finding someone else. I have a very close gay friend, and I know that there is a tendency to get besotted with a younger guy - totally besotted, however inappropriate or however that guy might not be the right person. Maybe enjoy the feelings of being besotted (because that in itself is a nice way to feel) and just wait and see.
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