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He's married, won't leave his wife but calls me heartless for distancing myself

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 March 2016) 3 Answers - (Newest, 28 March 2016)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Need advice!'

I am recently divorced, because my marriage was never like a marriage and then he started cheating. My and my ex are good friends for now.

Meanwhile, 6 years back I met and fell in love with a married man (I was married at that time as well). It was purely emotional - never even hold hands. Later I found his marriage was bumpy, as his wife had cheated on him for a lengthy period of time. I know his son is not his biological and think he knows that too.

Recently, our emotional affair got stronger (we work in the same place). He will not leave his wife. The reasons he gave me are - he is catholic, someone in family will die if they receive the news, and his kids. Every time I try to distance myself from him, he calls me selfish and heartless.

I need advice on what and how I should distance myself. I know it sounds like a no-brainer, but trust me it has been very difficult.

View related questions: affair, divorce, fell in love, married man, my ex, period

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks you Honeypie and Eddie85. I did remove him from social media about 3 years back. Being in the same work place is probably the toughest. Looking for a new job as well. I agree I am providing him some relief as he continues to enjoy a marriage. Will see what I can do. Thanks again for your response.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntWhat makes this hard is not his attitude, but the fact that you both work in the same place. Cutting him off 100% might not be easy if you are requited to communicate with him about work.

But U think you need to face that you have wasted enough time on someone who is NOT yours, nor will ever be yours. He is pulling out all the stops and excuses as to why. The kind he believes no one can argue with. Like religion and death? of family member if it comes out.... Dramatic overmuch?

If you CAN block him, do it. If you can't (due to work) minimize the amount of time you spend talking to him. Don't talk about anything that isn't work related. It might be hard in the beginning, but you will get there... IF you want to. Whether he thinks that is heartless or not... it's irrelevant. Stringing you along is heartless too, is it not?

So decide what you REALLY want (that is realistic) and then make it happen, in you case... cutting off the emotional affair for good. Tell him if he wants someone to give him attention and affection, to fix his marriage.

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A male reader, eddie85 United States +, writes (28 March 2016):

eddie85 agony auntWhat do you expect him to say when you attempt to leave?

I hate to say it, but you are his life-perserver and probably his soul source of emotional connection. While it is touching that he thinks of you in this way, I don't think he'll ever truly be what you want -- entirely yours.

Since there is an emotional connection, it is probably best that you do cut ties with him. While it is difficult, it isn't too hard to ghost him by blocking him on social media as well as blocking his phone number. It also wouldn't hurt to start dating someone who is available.

The sooner you do this the sooner you can free yourself of this confusion.


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