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He's married and I love him. But I don't want to be a homewrecker! What should I do?

Tagged as: Cheating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 February 2007) 15 Answers - (Newest, 26 January 2011)
A female Bangladesh age 26-29, *GA writes:

I'm in love with a married man, he has a one year old son. He loves me too and he told me so. I don't want to break another woman's home, but, i really love him, what should I do?

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A female reader, laccy United States +, writes (26 January 2011):

You can't help who you have feelings for. As long as both of you feel the same way then see where things go. You need to have a mutual understanding of the current situation and also what future expectations you have of each other.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010):

Hello,

I found myself in the same situation not too long ago but it still hurts. Unlike you, he told me he was divorced. It turns out he is married and has a daughter in another country. What hurts is that I didn't find out through him and that I was constantly accused of being too guarded with him. DUH! For as much as anyone tries to fool you, you always know what is the truth. I allowed myself to be used and manipulated into a relationship that I knew was wrong. There were some good moments but I am not sure they were worth going through for the sake of being with someone. I felt so alive when I was with him though.

I recently saw him and all of our moments came flooding in. It's so unfortunate he chose to lie. I couldn't have meant much to him. Was he trying to convince himself that he loved me when his actions said otherwise? Someone we both know told me he was pissed at me. Whatever! He introduced himself as a divorced man. What's worse, he continues to lie to women. Everything I was lead to believe about him was a lie. It must be so hard to go through life moving from one lie to the next.

I have learned to let go because I deserve better ... Yes, there are days that it hurts but it's better than another day of living a lie.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010):

We are in a very very same situation. I am inlove with a guy who is happily married. He loves his family but like you, he also said he loves me too and i can feel that. he makes me feel that. I know that his love for me as much for his family but i have accepted that fact. I dont want to hrt his family and it never comes to my mind to ever wreck their happy family. I always say to him, id rather be hurt than hurt his family, his kids.IT hurts but not as much if you always keep yourself in the reality that you are just number 2 and he will never chose to be with me than with his family. We both understand the situation and we both know that this is totally wrong but we both know what we are getting into. I know one day, we have to go on separate ways because we have no future, but What we are just thinking is, we'd rather take the risk than regret one day, that we never grab the chance to be with each other even just for s short time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2010):

wow Im not alone. im a married woman in love with a married man. difference is my husband is an active alcoholic and the man i had the affair with has a wife who told me she doesnt love him and stays for the kids. all i can share is this; i got help then broke it off with him. im in the process of getting up the courage to leave my abusive marriage and love myself better so i can have a relationship with the right man in the future. peace and love to all hope this helped.

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A female reader, Hayley phil Kenya +, writes (7 July 2010):

Hayley phil agony auntAm in the same boat too,and i can tell for sure this is the hardest situation one can find themselves in.

I have been datin' this guy for 1 year now,but i found out he was married with a 1year daughter, 3months into the relationship.

He's my best friend, so caring, lovin', understandin',and everythin' tat a gal can wish 4,and this is why i love him very much.

For the 1year we have been together,not a day has passed without us communicatin',we fight like other couples, but we always kiss and make up. Having him in my life is like a fairlytale.

He always try to make me the happiest woman. I know he loves me too much. Who would blame me to fall for him really?

I feel bad for the wife(i have actually gone out with her ones,she thinks me and the husband,are just friends) and would never want to hurt/betray her,but i love her husband!

Lately, am too stressed knowin' i might not be with him forever,though thats my dream,coz i can never imagine life without him.

This stress makes me cold on him and i dont communicate with as much as we are used,and i can tell it affects him. I feel bad going through this phase without telling him. I miss him a lot and just want to tell him 'i love you 2' and continue as happy couple that we are,but i just cant now.

I dnt want him to leave his wife. I dont mind being his 2nd wife. Its very confusin and complicated situation!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009):

go with your heart! the love of my life is married and has 2 kids, but i know how much he loves me. he just cant be with e because he is descent enough to stay for his kids. just because someone cheated once doesn't mean they'll do it again! ive cheated before, but if i got him, i know that would be it.

just wait, see how it plays out. some people just arent meant to be together, you cant help your feelings, and you cant stop fate!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008):

I'm on the same boat as you are.. I am in love with a married man.. but we already broke up.. one thing that i realized from this.. if a person really really loves you, he'll clean his mess first before pursuing you.. coz you deserve it.. and you dont deserve anything/anyone else.. the love that you feel, just keep it inside you.. if it's possible.. find the way to let go of that feeling.. i know it's hard.. but you owe it to yourself anyway.. dont hurt yourself anymore..

the hardest thing that you can do is to continue to love someone who can't be yours.. that's one thing i know..

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008):

look . i know you love this person but you just have to let go. i mean i absolutly love this boy but he is married to one of my close friends , and i can't love him i just have to pull.. anyway. and let him live his life xx good luckk

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008):

yeah i am in the same boat but he does have a kid and him and his wife have been not together for almost 3 months or so he asked me out and i said yes and he told me he loved me so much but he is married and i am afraid that he might not ever get divorce. i really need help?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008):

same situation except without the child and he left her for me.sorry hun but you'll just have to do what you feel is right. no one can tell you what to do.just think of all the conciquences and if it really is all worth it.

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (2 February 2007):

AskEve agony auntWhat do you do? YOU GET OVER HIM AND MOVE ON to someone who IS available. Put yourself in his wife's place. How would YOU feel if you were married and had a small child and you heard someone else wanted your husband, the man you loved and had a child with to leave you and be with this other woman instead...? Seriously... think about it! Not very nice thought is it? Then don't do to others what you'd hate done to yourself. There are plenty more fish in the sea so GO FISHING! ;o)

Eve

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007):

Marry a man who f***** around on his wife and Guess what You get? A man who f**** around on his wife (Oh no, it will be different with me - he loves me...). This is a huge, huge character flaw in this man - what do you think of other people who cheat? I'm quite sure you wouldn't be asking if you Really thought that this is Okay. You'll always wonder if he's cheating on you, you'll always have to defend your own responsibility in the split and you'll always be the "other women" so wake up and get the heck out now before it's too late. I have seen this happen so many times, families get ruined, children lose a lifetime of having both parents, children hating parents, some men and women ruin their future careers and permanently damage relationships with their extended families because of the turmoil that it causes. It is not a win/win situation and you will spend a lifetime of blended families (the first family doesn't dissappear - they will always be around to share him with...) and you will be faced with the people who you wronged for the rest of your lives together (and they have long memories). Marriage and family are hard work without this big strike against you from the get-go. If you met this flawed individual in the workplace, it's time to switch jobs. Life is too short, you deserve more so look at him and the situation with both eyes Wide open. I have been lucky enough to have been with a man who thinks that the most important job that he has done is raising his family and loving his wife. It's not a fairy tale, all marriages have ups and downs, but if you run away during the bad times, when do you stop running? He described one split that he witnessed (father left family he had relocated from overseas, one child sick with cancer, for pregnant mistress) as "An Entire Relationship Built on Human Weakness". I know that he meant his vows the first time - how on earth will you ever be sure there is no escape clause when it comes to your relationship with him?

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A male reader, maxsteel86 United Kingdom +, writes (1 February 2007):

maxsteel86 agony auntThe answer is so obvious, I wont insult your intelligence by telling you what that is!:-P

Its the right thing to do

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007):

sorry hun, but you may love him but im willing to bet he doesnt you. your his play thing, hes a married man and cheating his wife. you get with him he'll do the same to you.

your young, get out and enjoy life. meet men your own age (not ones with partners) theres plenty of men with morals so dont chose one with none

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A female reader, cd206 United Kingdom +, writes (1 February 2007):

cd206 agony auntForget him. He's married. His wife and son deserve to have him in their lives and being faithful towards them. You say you don't want to wreck another woman's home so don't.

CD

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