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He's hurt me terribly but I love him! What do I do?

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 November 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 7 November 2008)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Okay,

so I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now and throughout our relationship there have been a few things that have been rough, but what couple doesn't have that? We managed through it...or I managed through it. About a month ago, I just had a bad feeling and I know it was wrong but I took his phone and looked at his text messages. I was crushed. He had been talking to some girl I didn't even know and had went so far to tell this girl that he loved her. I packed all my stuff up and left. Knowing that I wouldn't last without him, it took about a week for me to be able to stand him and to fully recover. We've been through some things, like I said, but nothing ever like this. Come to find out he met this girl on the internet and had some things in common, started talking and before he knew it, it became way too flirty. This guy is my everything. My life, my love, my first in everything I've ever done even being my first boyfriend. The worst thing is that he told me that the reason he was attracted to her was because she reminded him of how he felt when we first started talking. My heart is literally dragging on the floor behind me. Everything that I am tells me that this is over and I can never fix it. But the other part of me says that he loves me he's just going through a rough time in his life right now trying to figure out where his life is going to take him and that he loves me too and if i leave him it'll be the biggest mistake of my life. He stopped talking to her and was extremely sorry about everything. He had been sick that whole week he talked to that girl. He couldn't eat, threw up, all kinds of bad stuff. But anyways, because I love him so much I feel as if I have passed this off and tried to tell myself that everything is okay when it's really not, i am still hurting; and He is not sensitive to my feelings at all, it's like he has moved on too and i understand i want this all to go away but that doesn't get rid of my hurt. He blew up at me today, which he did appologise for, but now all thats running through my mind is that im just trying to act like everything is okay when it's really not because when i try to express my feelings to him its like talking to a wall where i get no responce, or if i do get a responce it's a mad one. He's not very good with emotions but i guess in my mind when im crying i want him to tell me that everythings okay and he doesn't. there are so many things going through my mind and yet I love this man more than anybody could and he knows that. I guess my question is what should I do? Stand by the man that i love and can only see myself with for the rest of my life? Or leave him because he is completely insensitive to my feelings and has hurt me so deeply?

-completely depressed and confused and in need of extreme advice

View related questions: crush, depressed, flirt, text, the internet

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A female reader, vamp-gal United Kingdom +, writes (7 November 2008):

vamp-gal agony auntHey, glad everything worked out for you :D

Hope you guys remain strong :D

Communication is they key lol, good choice in talking to him.

Good luck, he seems really sorry, so, from what you've said, you have nothing to worry about :D

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks so much for all of the answers! I really needed some advice and I thank all of you for taking your time to try and help me. It is greatly appreciated. I did talk to him and tell him about my feelings and he told me that he is really sorry and feels terrible about everything and thats why he was so sick. He said that he was going to tell me, and tried a couple of times but just couldn't bear the thought of crushing me like that. So, in all I think that everyone is human and that we all make mistakes. That doesn't make what he did right in any manner, but it also doesn't mean that I can't give him a second chance. When I talked to him he really seemed sincere and like he was truly sorry and wanted to do everything he could to make it up to me. Yes, me giving him another chance maybe putting my heart into the hands of someone who could break it, but then again, this could be the opportunity that makes our relationship stronger and for the better. People make mistakes, we all do and dispite everything, im giving him another chance which was not the typical answer to my question but, ive got to follow my heart. thanks so much ill keep updates!

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (2 November 2008):

Artistry agony auntHi there, In this life we all experience disappointment in people. Especially those we love at times. But the most important thing, is, that we love ourselves, and respect ourselves. Otherwise if we don't, others will find it easy to disrespect us. If your boyfriend was dedicated to making the relationship work, he would have thought about how you would feel, if you found out about this other woman. He didn't, so you found out, is there anyway to erase texted messages, I would think there is,if so, why would he leave the messages there? Did he want you to find them? Sometimes relationships die, on one side or the other, sometimes they just run out of steam. It takes two involved people to keep a relationship or a marriage headed in the right direction, one cannot love for two, and hold the whole thing together on their own. You must be honest, he is now acting resentful towards you, because he got caught. My thought is that this is unrepairable, you need to come to grips with it. So you forgive him, then he will feel indebted to you for your largeness of character, what does that make him, a bad person, who is in your debt? He does not like that, it is causing friction. Even though you love him dearly, he is a cheat, he will probably move on from this girl, but there will be others. Sometimes people can only be in relationships for a short period of time, then they get the urge to move on. I don't think your forgiving him will change his character. I do not know what his parent's relationship was like, but we sometimes mirror our parents. Face yourself, your pain will eventually go away, there will be another love, if you realize that this is not the person you thought he was. It is a good thing you are not married, so that it will not be so dramatic in moving on. Go somewhere in a quiet place and think it through. If he wanted to be in the relationship with you, he would behave as such. Besides that you will forever be wondering if he is cheating again, or trying to. Let it be a learning experience, and move on with your life, unless you want to be hurt more than you have. Good luck to you with your decision, take care and stay in touch.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008):

Wow I hear you loud and clear on this one :(

Make no mistake about it, something like this is bloody tough. And even coming from a guy who almost never sheds a tear, I highly recommend if you feel the need to cry just go for it til you're almost sick. You need to meet him somewhere quiet and peaceful, no distractions, where the only thing you can do is talk. Don't try to make it sad and depressing though; go for a picnic or something if that's what you might be into and just talk. If he still really cares about you then he'll make the effort to let you know that. Even if he's bad with emotions, you know him better than anyone and will know what he's thinking. Perhaps most importantly, let him know how you feel, making every effort to not make him feel overly guilty or crap about it. His behaviour lately shows that he knows he's done the wrong thing, and feels like shit about it- take some consolation from that, he DOES care. Sounds like he just met a girl who obviously became a pretty good friend of his, but got a bit caught up in it and crossed the line. Carefully tell him how sad it's made you, tell him how much you love him, don't over-do it but bring up good old memories if they're relevant...and let him know that you don't want it to be over

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A female reader, vamp-gal United Kingdom +, writes (2 November 2008):

vamp-gal agony auntI really don't know what to say.

Look, I know you love this man, but if he is insensitive to your feelings, and has hurt you the way he did, then, why stay with him? I know you love him and everything, but if it is going to be like this for the rest of your life, then, why go through it? You deserve someone who is sensitive to your feelings, and won't blow up at you for trying to sort out your problems. You say he's your first boyfriend and everything, now I don't know what it's like considering I've never had a boyfriend, but it must be hard to let go, if he's the first person you've ever truly loved, but there are times when you have to let go, and this may be one of them. If he doesn't treat you right, then he doesn't deserve you, simple, that may sound a bit harsh, but, unfortunatly, it's the truth.

Maybe you could try talking to him again, if he blows up at you again, then he's not interested in sorting out the problems you have as a couple, and the concerns you have personally, which every relationship should have.

I really hope everything turns out okay for you.

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