A
female
age
36-40,
*inal123
writes:So I am in a relationship with a man who is almost perfect in every way. We have been togeter for about two and a half years now. He treats me well, and takes very good care of me. I thought he was my soul mate, and we have talked about getting married. The only thing about him that is lacking is the sex. The sex has never been very good. I am a very sexual person, and he just doesnt satisfy me in bed. Since we have been together, he has never given me an orgasm. We've talked about this issue, and have tried just about everything to make the sex better, but have had no success.I have thought about breaking up with him for a while now. As perfect he is in everyway, I believe sex plays a vital role in a healthy, stable relationship. I have been struggling with decision as I really do love him, and it is hard to think about him not im my life. Then I went and did something awful.I went out, had too much to drink, and had a one night stand. The sex was incredible, the best sex I had in a long time. I felt horrible for betraying my BF and for how hurt he will be. What I did was wrong, but I knew that our relationship could no longer go on.I told him what happened and that we couldnt be together anymore. I was shocked that he was not angry, infact he was more upset at the prosepect of me leaving him. He begged me to stay, and apologized for not satisfying me sexually. He said he does not care that I cheated, he just doesnt want to lose me. Then the shocker, he told me that I can continue to have sex with other men if I stay with him. He said he loves me and will continue to take care of me and everything will stay the same but I can have sex with other men if I wanted. He even told me he still wants to get married.I don't know what to do. I thought I loved him, but if I really did love him, how could I cheat on him? The right thing to do would be to break up with him, it's not fair to him to do what he suggested. On the other hand, I can't imagine him not in my life. He is so good to me and is perfect in every other way. I think it would hurt me just as much him to be apart. I kind of want to give this a try.. Is it selfish of me in doing so? All our friends and family look at us and think we are the perfect couple, living the perfect life. Because of this, this is something that I cant tell anybody. I dont even feel comfortable asking my best friend for advice. And please don't look down on me or be judgemental. Im just looking for some advice.
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best friend, one night stand, orgasm, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (9 March 2012):
 If you can't even tell your best friend or your family that your sex life sucks, how would you ever tell anyone that you're in an one-sided open relationship? You really want to pretend everything is great and perfect while banging other guys on the side?
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (9 March 2012):
You're very sexual as you say. If you had a low sex drive and sex wasn't important to you, maybe you could deal and accept his short-comings....BUT since you're a very sexual person, I don't see how you could continue your relationship with this man.
Clearly you need good sex in your life, or else you wouldn't have cheated. Based on the fact that you have contemplated breaking up with him over this issue and the fact that you cheated on him because of it, I just don't see how this relationship can be healthy one for either one of you. If you can have great sex with a complete stranger, who doesn't know what turns you on, and you cannot do the same with your boyfriend, it indicates that you don't have the sexual chemistry that you need and want. You're wasting your and his time if you stay with him. You may love him as a person, but you're not sexually attracted to him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 March 2012):
 Devil's advocate here:
As a woman who has only once in my life had a partner that could bring me to orgasm (and I’ve left him for someone else) I am going to tell you that if the ONLY problem is that HE can’t bring you to orgasm then you may want to consider staying. Learn to work together to have your orgasms or have them after you guys have sex. I know this is not what everyone else is saying but it’s working for me now… But the issue for me is that I get TONS of affection and physical contact that is MORE important to me at 52 than HIS ability to make me orgasm. I guess knowing that men in general can’t bring me to an orgasm and never have been able to lets me put that part of my sex life on the back burner happily.
I personally think that a woman who abdicates her role in her own sexual satisfaction is giving up. I mean seriously do you think that he thinks your sex life is great because YOU give HIM orgasms??? For me sex is not about the orgasm and it never has been. That’s what masturbation is for. You get a perfect orgasm that way… the way YOU like it… Sex is about the closeness with a partner… If I didn’t get that from my man I would not be happy… but I get kisses and cuddles EVERY day and it’s NOT perfunctory. It’s a mandatory critical large part of the day…
I am not sure that when looking at the whole picture, having a man who loves me, provides for me, respects me, treats me well, trusts me, is EVERYTHING I need BUT an orgasmic machine, is such a bad thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): Leave him. He loves you so much and is so insecure, he's willing to sacrifice being treated with love and loyalty, just to be with you. Leave him for his own good. He needs to find someone who does enjoy every part of him, including the sex. Otherwise, you're just damaging him.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (9 March 2012):
"All our friends and family look at us and think we are the perfect couple, living the perfect life. Because of this, this is something that I cant tell anybody. I dont even feel comfortable asking my best friend for advice."Well, you're not perfect. No one is perfect and no one has a perfect relationship. Why is it so hard for you to admit this to family and friends? Why is it hard for you to tell the truth, to say "actually, no, we're not perfect. I am not happy with him sexually." Why do you feel the need to lie and pretend when you absolutely don't have to? Why do you find this so embarrassing? It's crazy to be lying about something like this.Frankly, you should leave this man. He clearly loves you if he is willing to share you with other people while trampling on his own pride and self-respect. You wanted to dump him before he made this suggestion, and I say, go with your original plan. He may have very well proposed anything to keep you, but the second you take someone up on such an offer, you being to lose respect for the person. He essentially gave you the green light to walk all over him and abuse his weakness and love. In the long haul, I doubt you will have much respect for him. Most people don't. And who knows? Maybe in a few months or a years, he will feel very differently about this plan and you may too.Accept that this man is a dud in the bedroom for you. If you have tried everything, if you have given him instructions and talked about what you want him to do and it's still not working - well, you're simply not compatible physically. Why not have a man that you love and have a decent sex life with? It's not that hard to find.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 I say he has his own "hidden agenda". I have not yet found a man who doesn't care his woman cheats on him, except for those times when a) they don't love the woman or b) they find it convenient that she sleeps with someone else, for whatever reason.
For some reason, I feel in a Chinese parade. So many red flags...
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