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He's forgotten about the "little things" and I don't feel loved anymore

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Question - (17 January 2007) 4 Answers - (Newest, 21 January 2007)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi. I have been together with my boyfriend for almost two years. When we first started going out, he was really sweet and attentive. And now some things have really started to change. He doesn't kiss me anymore unless we are having sex, he never compliments me on anything, and he never tells me that he loves me unless i say it first. However, he does big things for me like takes me on vacation and buys really nice gifts for me at holiday times. Although i really do appreciate all of that stuff, to me, the small things are equally, if not more, important. I try to tell him that i love him very often, and kiss him all of te time. I have tried bringing this up to him, but he basically says in response is "how can you even say that when i do so much for you". I dont feel loved by him anymore, and the big things dont make up for it. Please help me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007):

Does he work? Is he already stabilized in his career?

Sometimes... No, often, we work our asses off either mentally and/or physically in our careers that it drains most, if not all of our energies. Sure, we want to do this and that for our lovers, but sometimes we're hoping that your partners would understand a bit more for what we're going through. The big things are the things we wish to give to our partners based on the successes of our careers. It is also something we can do all at once at the end of a long awaited period of hardships and stress. There's no better person to go out on a nice vacation than with our partners.

Sometimes, we are inconsiderate if you mention that you want all the little things too, like texting you saying "I miss you, been thinking about you all day" or go over and cook dinner together then watch a movie, etc. Please try to understand that at the back of our minds and well within the surface of our hearts, we want to do those things, but little things add up and then they swarm us and vice versa - having work add up and swarm us. It's a never ending cycle.

Traditionally, guys want to do more, are most ambitious, and wish to provide everything or most of the things. Sometimes not only do we desire the constant love and comfort our partners can give us, but we would also like to believe they can be our refuge as well. Yes, this doesn't sound very contemporary nor does it sound positive in the sense of being selfless, but that's who we are.

When we get older, possibly married with you, possibly have kids of our own, sometimes at the office, we would think back on those times and then maybe over the weekend, we'll think of something to surprise you with - something simple. Maybe a drive out to central park, have a walk around, and talk about your dreams, your thoughts, and my sincerely apologies for making you be patient with us all these years.

[sigh]

Ideal. 8]

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A female reader, melschatbox United States +, writes (21 January 2007):

melschatbox agony auntYes, I can relate. The small things they do for us and say to us help to establish a feeling of security with our mates. If he doesn't compliment you, caress you, kiss you or show affection or tender moments unless during sex, I feel your pain. When it's said then ...you wonder if "its just b/c of the heat of the moment". I think men in general don't learn how to provide emotionally for women. ( I know that's generalizing..but that has been my experience) The kind words and acts of kindness beyond the purchase of material things mean a great deal more. I suggest calmly talking to your b/f about your needs and at the same time ask him how you can be a better g/f for him. This may make it seem like you're not trying to blame him..but only want to make the relationship better. Good Luck.

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A male reader, Steve169 United Kingdom +, writes (18 January 2007):

Steve169 agony auntYou need to let him know that whilst you appreciate the big things, you need the little things. The big things aren't as special, you just need to be able to spare the money for gifts and holidays, but you really have to care to do the little things as they are more spontaneous and automatic, and far harder to fake as you would have to keep the facade up all the time. So just let him know that you need the little things to make you feel secure and loved. After all he might as well be nothing more than a friend without the little things

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A female reader, TDMB United Kingdom +, writes (17 January 2007):

TDMB agony auntOww, this is such a tough one! Am sure there are loads of women of all ages out there who can relate to this totally. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave for you . . . I'm afraid these symptoms are very common and many guys just don't 'get it'. Holidays and presents are lovely will never make up for a spontaneous 'I love you' or a kiss that tells you the same. I'm afraid I don't have any answers - but all I can say is, don't think for a moment that you are being unreasonable or wanting something odd, becuase you're not.

What we need here is some input from a guy. So please - all Agony Uncles out there - what can be done here?

Big hugs, I hope you find an answer x

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