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He's engaged and 13 years older than me. Could things work out?

Tagged as: Age differences, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 May 2017) 14 Answers - (Newest, 21 May 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, *loralskateboards writes:

How many years apart is too many? The man I love is 13 years older than me, I believe it's one sided, but I'm just curious on what people believe. He's also engaged, could this possibly work out for me at all?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2017):

You are asking a very serious question about a charming daydream and there is nothing wrong with asking!

It is charming that you have noticed good qualities in another person but as you are still young and inexperienced.

It is natural that you dont recognise that relationships often start with friendship and progress to intimacy through courtship.

There are obvious situations where a relationship never develops and a teacher/student situation is a sure path to prison.

No one loves anyone they want to send to prison.

Not even princesses or queens.

You have to recognise that people cannot be acquired like purchases!

You cant look at someone and say "I want that!"

or "he's mine!"

Or if I do this, this and this then he will be mine."

You have to respect peoples boundaries and you have to learn to separate daydreams from reality.

The mind is a powerful thing and you have the power to control the mind,not the other way around.

Its normal to have a crush but it is also normal to see it as part of growing up.

You must remember appropriate behaviour at all times which is why teenagers tend to let their hair down amongst each other!

Teenagers yell "Turn that music up!"

While adults yell "Turn that racket down!"

The age gap at the stage of life that you are currently in is a definite 'No!'

The guy is streets ahead of you and has already courted his wife and got his future planned

You will grow up a bit more before you can expect to be at the same stage of life.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (20 May 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntIs he single? No.

Is he close to your age? No.

Both show there is no hope of you two together.

At your young age, it's important you find someone close to your age too. It's also never okay to go after a taken person.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 May 2017):

EDIT: "That's totally bad-character, and the sigh of a weak female."

Correction: "That's totally bad-character, and the sign of a weak female."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 May 2017):

You're so young and if you have to ask, you're totally out of your league.

First, you don't go after anyone who is already taken. Don't start-off womanhood by being a cheat, the other woman, or a home-wrecker. That's totally bad-character, and the sigh of a weak female.

Secondly, IT IS one-sided. He's engaged. You already know the answer to your question, and he has already given you his answer. If he hasn't been receptive to your flirtations and treats you like a schoolgirl with a crush; that's all he sees. He's already in-love with someone he wants to marry.

You don't deserve everything you think you want. Especially if what you want belongs to somebody else.

Your chances are zero. You're too young, and you have to learn there are boundaries.

Guys who already have girlfriends or wives are off-limits. Teach yourself to want only good and decent guys who are single and available.

Some scorned-females who find-out some random-female is after their man can be pretty dangerous; and can turn your world into a living-hell. Sometimes they do it behind your back and you don't have a clue who is after you. As one of my lady-friends is currently experiencing right-now. She has dated two men who already have girlfriends. She doesn't know which one is spreading rumors about her; and has turned some of her other lady-friends against her.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (19 May 2017):

Fatherly Advice agony auntOn the other hand I love your screen name Floralskateboards.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (19 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntNo realistically he loves someone else. It is a crush you have and you will get over it. Just a tip, nobody likes a person who tries to interfere in someone else's relationship and tries to steal someone's man so don't do it.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (19 May 2017):

chigirl agony auntThe age gap isnt the worst, Ive seen age gaps this big work just fine. But your age is a problem, and him being engaged is a problem. If you were over 25 years old and he was single, I would say go for it. But you need to respect that he is a taken man.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2017):

Nice to see you back SVC.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 May 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntAt your age, I am pretty sure that, regardless of what anyone says, you will still daydream about this man and fantasize about being with him. You are a teenager. That is what teenagers do.

Like many before you, you will have subconsciously picked someone who is out of reach because it is "safe". I am guessing he is a teacher or a friend of the family? You can fantasize about him to your heart's content because. given he is nearly twice your age and also in a steady relationship, it is highly unlikely anything will happen between you. If it does, then he is not the sort of man ANY woman should fantasize about being with because it means he is a cheater.

Crushes like this are useful in teaching us what we want in future boyfriends. What personality characteristics about this man attract you? Keep them in mind when you are ready to start dating and look for them in potential boyfriends.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2017):

You have said it! It is one sided. So don't waste your time and energy. One sided loves never work. When I was your age I was in love with actresses like Kim Novak, Shirley Mclain and many others. It never worked for me because they were one sided. Let it go and fill your thoughts with other nicer things.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (19 May 2017):

So_Very_Confused agony auntWhile my husband is 13 years younger than I am, had I met him in his 20s or earlier it never would have worked.

You are 16 going on 17 (and if you are 17 going on 18 the same applies)

you have not yet begun to experience life. He is 30 and has had a whole life. by the time I was 30 I had two kids and an ex husband.

That alone makes it not work.

What puts the final nail in the coffin is that he is engaged which means he has a partner already.

If you have a crush and he's being nice to you, stop wishing and hoping.

IF he is being a jerk and taking advantage of your youth and naivete then think about the fact that he is using you, lying to his fiancee and is basically a lying cheat and therefore is not even worthy of your attention.

Once you are 30 and he is 43 if you run into him and he's single then you can go for it.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (19 May 2017):

Garbo agony auntThere is nothing for you to work out. He is committing to someone else and not you, so what's in it for you. Nothing.

He maybe stringing you along in various ways by playing your emotions but that is for his benefit. Eventually, after wasting lot of your life on him, you will realize that you have been used... but that is some years down the line.

If there is no future, do not bother. Go no contact and forget this man.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntNo.

He is engaged which means it's a PRETTY serious relationship and MARRIAGE is the next step on THEIR (not yours) journey. THEY (him and his fiance) have decided to enter a LEGAL contract, THAT is marriage. That USUALLY also involved being FAITHFUL and TRUE to one's spouse.

IF you are 16-17 and he is 30 the age gap is JUST too big. You still have SO much growing up and maturing to do - you NEED to ENJOY your life and not RUSH to do ADULT things. LEAST of all things, to get involved with a guy on the BRINK of marriage. Don't be THAT kind of girl. The kind who doesn't have scruples or morals - who can't see past her own desires and bellybutton.

You might "think" you love this guy - but it's NOT love. When you find someone who TRUELY cares about you and care for in the same manner maybe you will REALIZE what love is and what INFATUATION is. What you feel for this guy is infatuation - you have probably made him out to be SUCH a great guy in your mind, when really... if he is in ANY WAY shape or form ENCOURAGING you to move forward or engage in anything physical or emotional with him - then he is a PRETTY shitty human being.

I know you don't want to hear it, but in many ways, you are STILL a kid. HE is not. And hasn't been for at least 10 years.

He is on a WHOLE other chapter in his life than you. And this is not a "I can just skip some pages it will be OK" time in your life.

I don't have a problem (for the most part) with age gaps in couples AS LONG as the youngest is AT LEAST 25+ years old. At least by then, most people have had a chance at both further education, travel and work experience.

Right now? You basically have NO experience and he has a LOT. (compared to you).

And really... a guy who is 30 going after a 16-17-year-old girl? Just no. And it's a double NO when said guy is engaged.

Slow down. Enjoy life. Don't COMPLICATE it. Don't create drama you really don't want or need.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (19 May 2017):

N91 agony auntNo.

On what planet could it? This is NOT love, not even close. You have a crush on this guy and he is off limits as he is engaged in a relationship.

Also you're way too young for this man. There's just too many reasons why this won't work so don't try to pursue it.

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