A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm sorry if this is a little long. I've been in a relationship now for a little more than a year and a half. I try not to think about the fact that we don't really go out and do much, and we only really spend time at each other's houses.The thing is, I can only think of one time where we've spent time together and he wasn't trying to get into my pants. And the only reason that happened was because a family member passed away and I was surrounded by family, with no where to have some "privacy" or "alone time" as he always says. Anytime I see him now, or anytime we actually do go out to do something, it's kind of ruined by the fact that I know afterwards, he's always going to go for sex. I've had to leave family parties or hanging out with my friends because he wants to go have sex. I feel embarrassed to tell people that's the reason I have to leave, so I always end up acting like I don't feel good or something.He always pushes for me to spend the night with him. I always try to avoid it, because when I do end up sleeping over, he always tries and sometimes does end up having sex with me while I sleep. The first time I actually woke up it was before he had managed to go all the way. Once I wasn't entirely foggy brained from sleep, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say, so I just acted like I was still asleep. I'd turn over, move myself around, put an arm tightly over my chest, or cross my legs every time he would touch me or try to enter me. Sometimes this can go on for hours. Sleeping over turns into me not getting any sleep because I don't know if he's going to try anything. If I end up staying the night, it always ends up that we have sex 2 to 3 times before bed anyway. I don't understand why he would even think to do this.I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone close to me what's really bothering me, but they can tell that I'm not happy. I know the obvious answer is, just break up with him. And I get that, but yet I'm still with him. I feel bad that the only reason I'm still with him might be because I don't want to hurt him..and I feel like I'm wrong to even think that.I'd appreciate any type of advice or help, I've been depressed about this for a few months now and I need to do something to change. Even as I type this, he plans to come over after work to see me, and I know what's going to happen..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2015): Hi. I feel bad for you-- you sound so unhappy! Please, try and fix your problem soon. I agree with the other two who told you to leave him. You can say to him that you need a break and perhaps you can get back together in the future if things work out. Best wishes!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2015): Hi thereOne of the classic signs of an abusive man is that he tries to have sex with you whilst you're asleep. It's a power/control thing. Imagine how little he thinks or feels about you to be able to do this? You are what amounts to an inanimate object to him. You are not a person with her own right or free will, but someone to do as he wishes. With an abusive man sex is very often all about him and nothing to do with your satisfaction. Often the only reason they bother to please their partner at all is for their own ego trip. I was in an abusive relationship where I woke up to being dragged down the bed into a position where he could have sex with me more easily. This is so unacceptable that there are no words!! Please read 'Why Does He Do That' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It is about abusive men and their tactics to get their partners to be submissive to them. You don't mention any other behaviour of his, but by the tone of your post, you sound as if you have no confidence, no will of your own. Were you always like this or is it since being with him? If you read this book and I would strongly urge you to do so, you will see his behaviour in between its pages. Read it before you make an attempt at leaving as it has advice about this too. Abusive men do not like to be left as it means you are calling the shots and they like to be the ones in control. They can turn nasty. So be prepared, have somewhere to go and supportive people around you. Good luck, read the book and leave. Don't worry about his feelings, he certainly doesn't care about yours and after you read the book you'll realise that he doesn't think like you anyway. His feelings for you actually don't amount to very much(sorry)so don't subject yourself to this unhappiness any longer than you have already.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 November 2015):
 You do know that it constitutes to rape? Having sex with someone who is asleep or not willing? But you do nothing because you don't know what to do? How about saying No? If you do NOT want sex it is your RIGHT to say no. This isn't 1550 it's 2015.
I think you and your BF run at two very different levels of libido, he has by NOT reading you, by not know you ONE bit when it comes to sex pretty much ruined your libido, as you now almost fear going to bed because you KNOW what will happen. Which means sex now is a turn off for you, for you it's an unpleasant chore, and that is sad. Well you don't have to lie there and take it for Sct. George!
Your BF is not a mind reader, you HAVE to be a BIG GIRL and learn how to say no.
Yo think he doesn't know you are awake? I doubt that. I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks you are playing some kind of game. Some men are utterly dense when it comes to sex, consent and mutual pleasure. If he knows and he still has sex with you, then he obviously think as a BF it is his right. IT IS NOT his right to use your body.
You have even started to feel depressed, well no wonder! You are being sexually used. He might think he is showing great love, affection and attraction, but he is really disregarding you in all this, all together.
My advice - dump him. And tell him why. Now I will say some of the "blame" does lie on your inability to tell him no. Are you so desperate to keep him that you "allow" his behavior to continue? Specially when it is making you utterly miserable?
You say you don't want to hurt him, but where does that leave you? Depressed, feeling used and miserable. Is he worth that?
Honey, end it and walk away! And learn to say NO! It is OK for yo to say no!
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