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Hes clearly not going to stop. How do I tell him I know hes still watching porn?

Tagged as: Pornography, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 June 2009) 8 Answers - (Newest, 1 July 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'v written on here before, and the advise I've been given is sound advise...

It's about porn. My boyfirned used to watch a lot of porn. I'd talk a lot about it to him because I've never undertood the attraction myself. I'd tried watching it with him... still couldn't get on with it.

Finally, got to the point where I had a fairly emotional discussion with him and asked thathe stopped watching it. He seemed to understand and said all the right things and swore on his sister's life that he wouldn't watch it again if I felt so strongly about it.

Today, I found out that he's still watching it. I feel revoled. Lied to. And really that I can't trust him. Question is, I can't deal with it.... how do I bring up that I've seen that he's been watching it? I was closing down his computer, the mouse froze on recent items, and that's where the colosal list of what he's just watched came up. I feel like finishing it with him. He's clearly not going to stop

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A female reader, noonespecial2 Australia +, writes (1 July 2009):

I don't believe all Men watch porn either. The fact is, you don't like it and that's that. I guess you will have to weigh up if you feel too compromised and it sounds as if you do. By you not liking it does not make you wrong, it does not make you insecure a prude, jealous or any judgements that people want to place on it. Judgements of you such as this are a defence mechanisms for people who do not want to take responsibility for their behaviours and the impact that their behaviours have on themselves, their partners and their relationship. By you expressing your right to be respected as a girlfriend, person and sexual partner indicates that you are a person who knows herself, is setting healthy boundaries and is valuing herself. (all characteristics of a women who wants a healthy relationship)

Watching porn is not healthy unless it curiosity throughout teenage years. Watching porn regularly and while in a relationship is not only unhealthy it is a dysfunction. I

If you have asked him to stop and he has betrayed you by saying he would yet his drive to watch it is more important to him than your trust, then I would say that he has some type of addiction. Look up on the web sex addiction and you may find some interesting reading.

This may eat you away and that is because your bf is not respecting you, both in the way he gets sexually stimulated by other women and because he has lied to you and broken an agreement he made.

The situation for you now is, are you going to value yourself and tolerate this? You have clearly told him how you feel. I'm tired of Men minimising what they do by saying it's no big deal, if it's no big deal then why is it so hard to stop?

This is a sickness and it's all about lust, low self esteem, power and the inability to be intimate. People such as this need help to learn this and deserve understanding if and only if they are seeking help. They themselves deserve so much more and can have better relationships if they understood this. I see it as such a sad and accepted dilemma in society and what saddens me even more is that so many Women tolerate this behaviour. They have been conditioned to thinking it's a Man thing, just an excuse for poor behaviour.

I'm sorry if my comment is not what you want to hear, I believe you deserve better and to stay with him you are devaluing yourself. He has began to betray you and hide it, it is obviously more than "not such a big deal" to him.

I was reading all the replies and find it so amazing how Men generalise so much by saying that all Men watch porn, do they know all the Men in the world? By saying all Men watch it is just an excuse to normalise what they do instead of taking responsibility for their behaviour and the destructiveness that it brings to their partners. Funnily, one male reply said he didn't watch it, so that's not all Men is it? You have said that you don't like it and that's that. He had a choice to say that he would feel too compromised to give it up but he didn't, he said he wouldn't watch it any more. He wants his cake and to be able to eat it. He has chosen to betray you, and his relationship for what? something that's not a big deal. If he's betrayed you for something that is not a big deal then what will he do if there is something that is a big deal.

Good luck, I think you'll find the answer you are looking for if you value yourself.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2009):

Really...I cant believe how many people have bought the lie that all men watch basically what alll these people are saying is that there is not one man alive with an ounce of integrity...what rubbish...

Not all men watch porn this is a myth that was created by those who do, to hide how pathjetic they are..

hold out for a decent whos satisfied with enjoying one womens body for his sexual pleasure

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A female reader, pinktopaz United States +, writes (17 June 2009):

Like everyone else said, pretty much every guy watches porn. It's really not something you should worry about, it's not like he's actually having sex with these women or even has a chance to. Sure he's imagining it, but even a lot of women imagine being romantically involved with some celebrity hottie. Unless it's a problem, like he's addicted to it, spends hours upon hours each day looking at it, and substituting it for your sex lives; then yes, you should be concerned about it. Otherwise, it's something he's going to do either way. When you ask someone not to do something that they habitually do, they are going to sneak it, then you are upset because you feel lied to. Just ignore it, you're the woman he wants to be with. Maybe find out what interests him so much. Maybe he likes a particular kind of thing and you can try it and drive him wild. Just go with it.

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A male reader, The Gentle Man United Kingdom +, writes (17 June 2009):

The Gentle Man agony auntNobodys perfect, sometimes in a relationship you need to accept things that don't always please you.

Porn is just something we watch. We enjoy it but we do not under any circumstances think it is a substitute for our partners.

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A male reader, Ricky1989 United Kingdom +, writes (17 June 2009):

im not even gonna bother reading the details because at the end of the day all men watch porn and all men wank and those who say they don't are liars.

it doesnt matter how much sex we get, we are always gonna want more at some point or another and you may not be around or one/both of you may not be in the mood for the whole process of sex, rather instead just the quick reward that comes from beating the meat for 15-25 minutes as fast as you can.

i dont know how many previous relationships you've been in, but if your past bfs have told you they dont watch porn, then they deserve a slap cos they're liars. hes gonna watch porn and so to are every other bf you have in the future.

if you dont like that, then go live in the woods and buy a dildo lol.

okay that last bit sounded really harsh but my point is that basically if you dont like the idea of your bf wathcing porn, then tough. its gonna happen.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2009):

I'm sorry to have to break this to you, but men like porn, and virtually any man who has access to a computer watches it. If you do split up with him, the next man you get will also like porn, although if you're lucky he'll be better at covering his tracks so you'll never find out.

He shouldn't have lied to you, that's true, but maybe it wasn't a lie at the time, maybe he really did try not to watch it.

Finish with him if you can't trust him any more: it's no good to be in a relationship with someone if you're angry with him all the time, but please don't think that you'll find a man who won't watch porn if he gets the chance. We're just wired up like that.

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A female reader, Tinysplatty United Kingdom +, writes (17 June 2009):

Tinysplatty agony auntHello hun,

The bottom line is...most men watch porn. It doesn't mean that you aren't enough for him, it doesn't mean he wants another woman, it doesn't mean just turns a lot of people on, which is of course the aim of it. Just because it doesn't do anything for you, it obviously doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same.

You say you hate it that he lied to you...but it was probably just to keep you happy. To be honest, him watching porn is not going to be a major factor in the relationship. It is such a small thing, he probably thought it would be easier to lie about it than argue about it. I mean, as long as he is being a caring, supportive faithful lover...why is it such a problem? Everyone has different things that turns them on, its the way life is. You have to try to understand that what gets him going may not work for you, and vice versa. Porn is a very common thing, there are worse fetishes he could have, trust me!

I think you should let this slide and accept that his views on this are different to your own. It really shouldn't get in the way of a relationship. If anything, allowing his sexual needs and desires to be satisfied, your sex life will be much healthier. However, if you really cannot accept it, then tell him that you have found him watching it again, and how much it is bothering you. If he refuses to stop...I think you will have to find somebody new, somebody that shares a similar view to you on this issue.

Good luck!

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A male reader, holikdad United States +, writes (17 June 2009):

I'll never understand what is the huge deal about a guy who likes to watch porn and masturbate once and awhile?

So he likes to look at porn, most of us do. Unless he's trying to do things that will turn you into a porn star don't worry about it.

If it's that impossible for you to get over your attitude towards porn then you need to find someone else. But I can tell you that most guy's watch porn, and we'll watch it on the sly if our GF/Wife say's they hate it and want us to stop.

Remember your guy has fantasies, everybody does even women, and I'm sure that you're not going to reenact all of them so give him a little room.

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