A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I recently told a long time friend I had feelings for him, he admitted he also had feelings for me but his best friend was trying to set him up with a girl named carly. He started talking to carly who he then started having feelings for too. He bided his time in asking her out because his heart said he should be with me. However I have two children and although he is fine with that, his family wouldn't accept that and would be disappointed in him. He says he wishes he had no family but he needs to make them happy and they all want him to date carly. They've never met or know anything about me,he said he doesnt know what to do as he has someone like her and shes the logically more obvious choice he feels his family would judge me so hes choosing his head over his heart. He still wants to be friends and is now really depressed hes hurt me. What am I supposed to do? We talk pretty much 24/7.
View related questions:
best friend, depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 June 2014):
 I agree.
First thing you need to do is cut him out of your life. That might feel hard in the beginning but realistically, would you rather still talk to him while he is dating "carly"? And stringing you along?
He gives the "my parents would be disappointed" excuse. I'm sorry I call BS on that one too. UNLESS he is of some very religious or certain ethnical background where single moms are a deal breaker. IF he felt like you were a great person,being a mom might be a bit more "baggage" then average for your age group but nothing you couldn't work out.
I agree with Tisha, he magically pulled out "carly" out of his ass the save face.
You will be a FWB or F-buddy to him if you get anything going with this guy... nothing more.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): What an asshole. I'm sorry but he is!!!!!He's not "letting you down gently" he is totally refusing to take any mature responsibility for his own emotions and effectively using his family as an excuse - it's like what a child would say "oh, my mum says I can't play with you because etc etc".And to say that they will judge you because of your children is TOTALLY unacceptable. If he cared for you at all he would NEVER say this, knowing that you are alone with two kids - what are you supposed to do in response, wish them away? Wish you never had them? His attitude stinks. He's just a weak and totally selfish person and he's hoping to keep you 24/7 on hand to keep using to nurture all his feelings - like a second Mother to a baby man who has never grown up - whilst he ALSO goes off with the apparently magical "Carly".the other respondent is right, you have 'dodged a bullet' indeed. Cut him out of your life immediately - honestly this is what is required in every sense. Do not respond to any of his lame attempts to get you back in his life ONLY as a confidant for him to use whilst he is also off out with this other woman. If he has ONE OUNCE of decency or maturity - which I think he does not - he will regret his decision and change his mind and beg for your forgiveness. If he doesn't then you are far better of with this idiot out of your life entirely.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 June 2014):
 I would stop talking with him 24/7. I would say 'yes sure we can be friends' if that makes you feel better about what's going to happen next... which is that you start to cut him out of your life. You can do it all at once but something about the way you wrote this suggests that would difficult for you.
I would just stop being on call for him 24/7 and delay responding to him by one hour for the next month.
It'll be slow and probably hurt a bit but it will make you realize something.
This guy rejected you.
You told him how you feel about him. What did he do? He hemmed and hawed and said he felt the same except oh wait there's this girl all of a sudden. Oh and my family will never accept you though they've never met you.... I just know they will be all 'who is this girl with the kids' though I've never actually tested that....
Sorry, he's just trying to let you down gently and by saying that he still wants to be friends, he makes himself feel better for rejecting you in that way.
When you start to distance yourself, you'll realize that you are angry at him, which would be very healthy.
Start to move on. You don't sound like you can do it all it once, so just, well, stop being so available. You aren't his girlfriend and he's basically said you never will be. Don't stick around for this as it will keep you from starting the mourning process and meeting the guy who will be very happy you are still available!
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 This is a vy hard ositio he has put you in. there is no way for you to win at this. It might be time for you to take a long vacation from the situation. This is not about you so don't let it drag you down. If he is that insecure andhis family has that much control over him you may be doging a bullet in slow motion. Good Luck
...............................
|
