A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I'm in a relatively new relationship.....we met in June but things have gotten more serious in the past 2 months where we now are exclusive......he's been talking about an event he wants to attend in the big apple in december and so we've been discussing it more recently and have decided to plan a 4 day trip there.....the only issue i'm having is the financial part.....this whole thing was his idea but when we started looking at the cost of airfare, hotel, etc i asked him what i could help with for the trip....let me say one thing all he ever said in the beginning was that i need to buy my ticket for said event and the rest would be taken care of but when i asked him after totaling up the major expenses for the trip he proceeds to divide the cost in half with his calculator and shows me the split amount implying that that was what i was to pay...it just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I don't mind helping financially for the trip but when he split it exactly in half it just made me feel like i was one of his friends and not his girlfriend he was planning this trip with Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 October 2017):
 Women do not usually earn less than men in this country, am not sure where about in the world you are based, but remember it is not the same everywhere. In actual fact I earn more than my Husband. I feel if a woman wants equal rights then surely they should act like equals as well?!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): I would be taken aback too. I'm the type where if I say let's go out, I'm inviting so it's on me. Don't let things fester. Next time speak up when things happen. He probably didn't realize how expensive it was going to be but he should have said that to you before whipping out the calculator. Yes independence is important but let's not forget women usually earn less than men.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 I'm sorry, but Im not at all used to a man paying for everything while the girl gets treated like some paid for plaything. If a man was paying for everything for me, I'd feel like I was an item to be bought. To be equal in a relationship is important to me. To be treated as an equal is not the same as being treated as a friend or a "bro".For me, to be treated like a girlfriend means that I am number one priority. That's what matters for me.
I think you need to think about what exactly the problem is, before you can come up with a solution.
Decide if you are upset because you feel a girlfriend should get treated to these type of things by her boyfriend (and essentially free load). Or if you are upset because you were offered something for free, then you suggested to help with costs and he took you up on it. Maybe, in the end, you're just upset with yourself and not with him, because you shouldn't have offered to help pay when you didn't really want to.
Anyway, just talk to your boyfriend about it. If it's too much for him to pay alone, and too much for you to pay 50% of, then either don't go or do it in a more low-cost manner. How to solve a problem together is what determines whether you are a good match or not. If you can not solve this together, then you aren't a good match. If you do solve it, be happy because it shows you and him have good chemistry and are able to work through things.
Most likely, this is all just a misunderstanding.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (24 October 2017):
I don't understand why you wouldn't just ask him in the moment and say you thought all you had to pay for was the event ticket? Communication is a HUGE part in a relationship and it sounds like it is lacking in yours. Why not just ask him and then he would have told you? Is it possible because you both now have decided to make a trip out off it he has assumed you would be paying your own half? Talk to him about it, its the only way to solve it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2017): Maybe he didn't realise how expensive it would be and originally said he would pay thinking he could afford it .. try having a conversation with the guy ... but try being an independent person and pay your half ... even tho he suggested that he would pay you should not of expected it so early on ...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 October 2017):
 I think it all depends on what you can afford.
First of all, it's ONLY 2 months in so BARELY an established relationship (no offense). And if he suggested ONE kind of sharing bills (like you pay this and I take care of the rest, WHY didn't you bring that up? when HAVING the conversation?) Why be offended by it AFTER the conversation?
Wouldn't it have made more sense to say, I really want to go by from our original conversation you mentioned XYZ and that is something I think I can afford, not sure I can afford this NEW amount.
I think, honestly? That paying 50% (or 100% of YOUR costs) is fair this EARLY in the relationship. What I don't think is all that fair, is him SAYING one thing in the beginning, and then changing his mind and pretending he didn't OFFER to pay a bigger part, he is just sort of ignoring that and SO are you, because you don't want to come across as greedy or high maintenance (or whatnot).
Is this a trip you NEED to be doing? Is this a trip you actually CAN afford without going in the hole?
If not... I'd suggest you back out now and make plans for another trip LATER in the relationship (if you are still together) that you CAN afford and where the plans are crystal clear from the beginning. That way you can make a little "trip-savings account" or just simply put aside money each week/month for things like little weekend trips.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (24 October 2017):
It may be because you are now doing much more there than the original plan. When it was just for him he might have envisaged it to be a single night. Now you are there for four days so it's a much bigger total expenditure.If you are relatively similar ages and earn similar amounts it's pretty reasonable to split the cost of a trip. A man having to 'treat' his girlfriend is pretty retrograde in many people's thinking. He told you what to expect before you signed up. I think it's fair. You can always tell him you can't afford it. On the other hand it could be a testing of the parameters of your relationship- if he earns more than you he could be checking to see what your expectations are. Either way,if you are the type of woman who wants to be paid for I think you are going to be disappointed by this guy.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (24 October 2017):
 I don't understand why you wouldn't have responded with "you said all I had to pay for was the ticket to the event"? And that should have cleared up the situation. Either you'd have found a compromise or you wouldn't. If you can't afford half of it, tell him so. If it's a case that you can afford it but you feel you shouldn't have to because the "man should pay more" then maybe that isn't the sort of relationship he is happy to have.
I always pay half of trips and fun days unless it's a special treat in which case whoever is being treated does not pay.
My point being that not all people have the same view of how to split events. Just because it was his idea doesn't mean he should automatically pay for it. And it doesn't mean he sees you as more of a friend than a girlfriend. It might just be the way he prefers things to be or maybe he doesn't remember offering to pay for everything. You just need to ask him.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (24 October 2017):
 I'm not used to splitting the tab in half either. I prefer to take turns paying or I can pay for airfare while he pays for hotel and we take turns paying for meals, etc. However, there are a lot of people who prefers splitting it exactly in half. Then there are those who will pay for everything.
I think your boyfriend is just acting in a very "practical" way. Also, some of my guy friends tell me that they don't pay for the girl until further into the relationship. In the beginning of the relationship they prefer to go half & half.
Be honest and upfront with him in regards to how much you can afford. I'm sure if you let him know, he won't have a problem covering the rest.
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A
female
reader, holeymoley  +, writes (24 October 2017):
 Well that doesn't sound very fair, to go back on his word. Be frank and up front by saying while you don't mind paying your way, that's not how he pitched it to you in the first place. I think it is rude to assume that someone is OK with financial decisions being made without consultation, especially when the original intent has changed. If you can afford it and want to go, I would but make sure he knows it's not cool to do that and if you cant afford it say so and don't, unless he is willing to foot the expenses as first told.
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