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He's been verbally abusive. My parents call him psycho. Should I move on or try harder in our relationship?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 August 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 31 August 2015)
A female India age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I don't whether I'm still in relationship with him or not but i will say:

I am in a relationship with south indian conservative man,though my roots are from south as well but my birth and education is done in different state due to work reason i have been transferred to south region,its been a year for me now.

I am 6-7 months in relationship with him.i met him at my work station in south of india,we became very acquainted with each other, he started showing interest in me gradually i did as well, first time in my life i told my family about him and interest to spend my life with him,i know its early to tell them but i felt sure for the first time, he was hesitant to profess his relationship with me in public, a month past he started to show his possessive side towards me, i liked it because never been in serious relationship in first place, he didn't like me being social on facebook or whatsapp but i tried avoiding the order he tried to enforce on me,but in between he kept confusing me whether he is going to spend his life with me or not?

In month of april, one of another office colleague from our workplace pinged me on Facebook, we spoke like a normal friend like Hi - GM...till my last conversation with that person i atleast didn't flirt,but yes i complimented him on his looks once comparing him to one movie star, and i din tell my boyfriend that i am speaking with another colleague from our office, it so happen that in their boys office group this second guy commented something on me like i'm too get kinds, which my got furious and kept questioning me whether i am talking to any guy friend, i kept denying, i was afraid of reaction and second not being important of our life that's what i felt at that point. but he already knew i was chatting with him, and i confessed as well as our fight was getting intense and got more than intense, he called me various slutty names etc etc my family came to know that night as well when they heard me crying on phone, that he is calling me cheater.

i was heartbroken, i knew it was my mistake of not telling him but i have no intention of having any relation with the second guy two days he kept fighting with me i saw him in tears as well, i wept as well like i saw one of loved ones dead i was so bitterly crying of not loosing him , he says beccause of me and this incident he spoke to his mother in a very disrespectful manner for the first time and to his reaction his mother got afraid of him and scared to come close to him as he was so furious which i am blamed for.

That very day he make up as well but this incident was never resolved as my reasons were not appropriate enough that moment also when he used to ask me why i did it to which i did not have answer, after making up i came to his importance and we continued our relationship.

I changed all my socializing habits for him No Whatsapp no facebook no chatting with guy friends , Due to that incident he has trust issues with me, he kept doubting,i kept showing my screenshots of not chatting with any one male friends or even my girlfriends to that matter four months passed this time we also good moments as well....on august 3rd my mum came to know that i'm in touch with him even after that incident which i kept hidden only from my parents not my elder sis though.

So next day mom calls me during my lunch break and says she very tensed for me and showing my irritation i kept the phone, and i had tear in my eyes.

My office friend question what happened (She is well versed with my situation since a month i had told her) while she was consoling me my boyfriend passed by and saw me crying. he called and why was i crying,i told him my mom last night as my call came waiting while talking to you, he asked why is that lady friend crying i said she isn't crying but trying to pacify me, i told him she knows about us to which he got furious and broke up with me and said this relationship can't work out why u have to proclaim to whole world about the relationship. for 10 days he made cry like before very bitter and bought up the so called cheat incident which was not resolving and continued till date. one day prior for me to leave for my hometown for 7 days vacation we went for dinner, he says that he was going to Goa with his two male friends i said ok he asked me whether i have been to goa. I said yes with my best friend and her boyfriend (now ex) without my parents knowledge two years back while i was in college. We wanted to see club life,alcohol and good beaches. Though goa is known of rave and sex which we are not doing that.

Hearing that i had been to goa without my parents knowledge he got furious again and gave a new point for him disown me again ...he made get down of his middle of the road at 10pm and gave me names like slut, whore, bitch etc etc i'm cold blooded to my family whom i did not tell and stayed to a different state.

Again i was crying and howling for him to stay with me next day i had flight to my hometown my family saw me i was not me i was tensed,eyes swollen ,slimmed down they understood something is not good next day my senior madam who is also well versed with my whole situation from beginning called my sister and narrated about abusive relationship with him.

To which my family told me to break all ties with him as he psycho person to deal in such a way.

Now Only my sis and her husband knows that i been to goa, and yes they were not pleased enough to my goa trip i got that share of scolding but more over they were making me understand regarding that boy.

I Was still not over him while i was vacationing my whole family depressed seeing me depressed and moreover they were getting annoyed. i promised i wouldn't be in touch but i did. I called him from my hotel room and i was crying to him to work out this relatioship he was not and he said as i m in goa i will have sex with another woman.

He called me up and made me hear the fake orgasm sound, i cried heart out and my sis understood that i am crying and i called him up she got aggressive on me and she told our mother and she cried told to quit job and come back home. next two three days i avoided him and his calls. i came back to my hometown from vacation place in north dat very day he buzzed me saying good to see you have forgotten me to which i replied you will never ever be forgotten. I constantly seeing his chat box which kept me online and to his imagination i was chatting with someone else and he blocked me from facebook and whatsapp. next day i was leaving to come to my work place/state i had texted him saying i won't force you to stay in my life and will exit his life and his state soon which replied saying blocking me was only bcz i wanted space. Next day i came to office he thought i was happy to just ruin it he on purpose too my colleague's cell number who is new. which i got weak and felt emotional. i texted him saying i want to meet that evening which we did and i cried front of him ..Alot... we kind of patched up but i was confused with situation as i was not understanding him. i went with the flow, and i broke my family promise of not being touch with him. We met often in past 15 days and it was good and today we had a argument, one of my office friend who i became very close she delivered a baby.

so mother is fond of her and send some gifts in my name, from my home town, since few days its been at my place wanting to give to her.

Due to my guy couldn't...

Today 30th August, we were suppose to meet but he said he will be late as he was not calling me or telling me the plan i called and burst out at him saying can't u tell me the plan of our meeting.

I have told you since so many days i have to give the gifts to our colleague, he said go unwillingly and will let me know when would from his place to meet.

I called my friend's mom and asked whther they are there in house for me to drop in she said some guest will be coming so it might get difficult so i said no issue i will come next day.

Immediately i called told my guy and kept the phone and few seconds later her mom called and said drop as she felt bad, i said ok i again called my guy and told he got doubts as usual and got annoyed with me and asked how sudden plan became i said explain situation to him and he got upset and kept the phone did not answer my phone for 3 -4 hours and when he did he said don't call me i don't want to talk to you.What must i do ??

Firstly, why after april that four months he continued to be with me and said "I Love You" and today inspite telling him and going to my friends place why he is upset.

All my family and friends are against the relationship because of his behavior and doubtful nature. But I barely can live without him,to me its first time that i have been so intimate with him (No Bed relationship) or said i love you.

I'm still crying while typing this story of mine.

How to mend this relationship?

Should i move on or try harder? Until he is sure for me how will i convince my folks. Hope you can guide me in this.

View related questions: best friend, broke up, depressed, facebook, flirt, heartbroken, I love you, move on, orgasm, sex with another, text, workplace

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (31 August 2015):

He is unbalanced and unnecessarily mean. You might take fault for upsetting him, but his reactions are far worse than necessary. I fear you will be just another woman drawn into a very abusive relationship. Faulting herself for how cruel the man in her life is. Yours is how abusive relationships start. It's the ending that can leave you a broken and damaged woman. I hope your parents will talk some sense into you. I don't think we're going to get very far here.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I know all have given same advice. I'm so involved with him just finding difficult to move away. Does anyone think i have cheated him after listening this story, Is it really me being the culprit for his behavior towards our relationship? M i at fault for us to apart. he tells to break but i dont allow.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (30 August 2015):

janniepeg agony auntYou should not try harder in the relationship. I believe you value freedom more than trying to pretend you are fine with being a domesticated servant with no friends and whose sole purpose in his life is to feed him, clean and have sex and nothing else. If he wants a conservative woman with no mind of her own let him find that person. Although there's no guarantee he wouldn't be abusive towards her too.

He will never be sure of you and although he's abusive towards you, he understands that you will not be happy with him. He is still saying I love you to keep you on a string. With his abusive nature it is hard to find a woman who would love him. You did not cause this abuse so there is nothing on you to fix.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 August 2015):

You don't seem to get it. The guy is out of his mind and you are too. How can you be so enamored with a man who is so mean and then take his abuse? You want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? Seriously?!!

You are very naive. Almost bordering on foolish. I'm not being mean like he is; but I'm trying to provoke your sense of logic. I am familiar with your culture; and how men get a great deal of freedom to say whatever they want to, to whomever they want. You may feel comfortable assuming a very passive role in a relationship; but in this case, you are inviting the worse kind of trouble there is. He is a maniac. He is jealous, and your life is already hell. Yet you talk of how you wish to make it last???

I can only tell you that the best thing that could ever happen, is he breaks up with you (or a house falls from the sky and crushes him); if you're not wise enough to dump him. You are allowing him to set the pattern for how your relationship will be from here on out. It's terrible!!!

Look at the book you've published on the site telling us about him. He's awful! I have to ask what is wrong with you, young lady? Do you not see that you are setting yourself up for a very abusive relationship; and your culture does not require you to do that. If your parents don't like him, heed their advice. I think he's psycho too!

I'm afraid you're crippled with naivete, headstrong on your plans, and your inexperience with love is your real problem.

YOU SHOULD MOVE ON!!! Most assuredly!

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