A
female
age
16-17,
*rowningLessons
writes:I'm going through the worst pain Ive ever had.May of this year I started dating a guy I knew for three years. He's everything I ever wanted, everything i could ever ask for, everything was perfect..I even lost my virginity to him. We were very much in love, we both suffer from depression but somehow managed to make each other happy in the end. there is a bigger age difference, but it is less than 10 years. He knew what true love was and he knew he was sure of me, we even almost got married.. everything was going kind of fast but we were sure....but everything changed in august, his father got killed. he is 23. everything changed in a horrible way...he felt he couldn't give me the attention i deserved because of his unstable heart and mind and we decided to be just friends September 1st. we still talked every day. and he said all he wanted was for me to be happy. Hes a very caring, loyal, loving person...but lately hes just miserable. and I'm really scared we're never going to get back together, he said he was scared of that when we broke up too. I like to think when everything clears and hes ready he'll come back to me....he said im the best thing that ever happened to him..I know i feel that way about him. but this past Saturday, I decided to try and get drunk with my best friend. she got really wasted and I got scared and didn't know anything else to do but call him up and ask him for help. Now he says he cant trust me...and its going to take a long time to earn it back. I don't understand what I did so wrong..hes gotten drunk without letting me know first...I'm really scared and I don't know what to do. I'm still his friend. and Ive never ever done anything to hurt him before...and it was never my intention..but him asking me to be happy isnt fair, he lost some one he loved...well so did i and its destroying my life. I'm even calling a suicide hotline some time today. I want to be there for him and earn his trust back and show Him i care...Im trying to be really careful.. and when its all over i like to think hell see that im still there for him n we made it through and he'll come back to me...cause what else...I deserve him. I don't know how to deal with this, or how I can really help him and rebuild his trust in me..and get the chances of us getting back together back. He's so messed up..and i just seem to make things worse cause of my own problems..I cant lose him he is the love of my life..and I know it. and I know he loves me..but he just cant function right now...what should I do
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, drunk, get back together, lost my virginity Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (6 October 2009):
 First, let's clear something up. Are you calling the suicide hot-line for you? You need to know we are here to help, but are not professionally qualified or licensed to address suicide. I highly recommend professional help.
I will, however address the issue of you and your boyfriend. Some of my answer you wouldn't have learned yet. We learn from making mistake after mistake, some of us quite a few mistakes, but its a process. Where do you believe because he doesn't agree that you did something wrong? What you two did is destructive. To often when trauma hits, we separate from those we love and enter into our own little corner of darkness. That's where we feel we belong. The truth is, when everything crashes, it's the people we love that we need around us the most. The girl I'm marrying gets on me for it. "Open up" she says, while I try to tell her it's my issue and I'll deal with it. She said, "If we're going to be together, it's out issue." I had to think about that, but it makes sense. An issue I'm affected with, can negatively affect the foundation of our relationship. So, I'm not there yet, but I'm trying and revealing more and more. I actually feel better after doing so.
He is in the state of grief. You need to let him have that time. Google and research the stages of the grieving process. It's important for you, being his friend at this point, to see the signs of which stage of the process he's in. This will help you know what to do and what not to do. As far as partying, at this early stage, "How can she go out and have fun, when I'm in so much pain." This is not at all your fault, it's the early stage of grieving his loss.
As the stages switch, so will his look on what other people do. If he says he wants left along for a little while, don't take it personally, but honor the request. It's that stage. You might say, "Ok, but if you need me don't hesitate to call." I know how we want to jump in and fix it, but this is healing, he's not broken and this is a process where sometimes company is needed and other times he needs alone time.
Here is the most difficult area I want you to focus on. You are showing signs of being dependent on him to make you happy. You need to build yourself up, and be happy being you, before true happiness will ever be met in your life. I've been where you are. It wasn't until I found happiness in just being me, then got engaged that I really knew what it was like to not just be happy, but feel a high, intoxicating level of happiness. So, instead of waiting for all this to go whichever direction it will, work on yourself. The more inline with your sense of self you become, the more you'll be able to offer him as a friend and as a partner if that's the direction you go.
And how do you build trust? Being true to yourself and others. People will trust, if your actions are those of trust.
A
female
reader, yesimtasty +, writes (6 October 2009):
 well i understand what your saying but to tell you the truth space is what he needs and that might be best for you to its going to be so hard at first but if you ccan give him space hell miss you and youll learn to live life without him thsat doesnt mean you wont love him or lose love or that you guys arent going to get back together it will just give him space to clear his world right now and let you become stronger by letting your heart grow and if you guys dont get back together than it wont hurt you as much and youll learn both sides of love yes it is true love kills slowly but it can also flourish by making you weak with happiness or grow stronger by getting over the hurt. oh and him saying he cant trust you because you got drunk with your friend is him just taking his anger out on you or him needing an excuse to get some time away fom you. let him be what he needs is friend and you need to be that person right now, let him know your ok and that your there for him if he needs to be ok too but live your life because it will playout for the best. yaya =]
...............................
|
