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He's become distant and seems bored with the relationship

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 November 2014) 2 Answers - (Newest, 26 November 2014)
A female Hong Kong age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone.. So me and my boyfriend has been in long term relationship and he's serious about our relationship and take me into his life. He's so caring and loving man that I know. He used to treat me so good and accept me for who I am. He considering marry and proposed me ( he and our friend told me about this). Everybody can feel that he's so in love with me.

The biggest mistake that I regret is I'm taking him for granted, I nag and clingy sometimes controlling but he still can accept me and love me before. But then about 3 months ago we argue and broke up and now we get back together but his behavior suddenly changed so much. He said he doesn't love me like he used to and he feels like its like a duty to keep this relationship with me. He doesn't told his family about our problem ( his family loves me) and he only tell his best friend that he's still has feeling for me but confused how to stay in this relationship. He hardly reply to my text, don't answer my call, and make excuses not meeting me. He seems to doesn't want to spend money for outing and make effort for me anymore. He withdraws and seems to try to forget and erase his feeling for me.

Yesterday he hang out with his friend and some girls (his friends friend), when I ask him what he's doing he didn't reply and answer my call. Then he lied to me that he's going outtown for some works, I knew he lied then next day I went to his house, he's surprised I come and I told him patiently about my feeling and asked him why he withdraws, he just said nothing, start from now on we are okay like we used to be he said and hug me loving like before. I asked him what he did yesterday and he told me he hand out with his friend and some girls which is his friends friend which he doesn't recognize and first time meet them. I asked him could I be the only girl for him, he said why not? And then I give him my finger to him to make promised and he's like yes or no and give his finger then I said is it so difficult to just have me in your life? He smile and laugh and told me no... I'm just joking to see you.. Then give his finger and hug me. I don't know why he's acting like this. Its so confusing.

That night, he told me something he want to do, but he's already know that I hate it, when he tell me, I don't give him response and talk about other things, then he said we are not a good match as what he like I don't like it. He said he know I don't like it before and he's keeping it himself but now he want to do what he want to. I think he's trying to point out our problem and trying to control me by his rejection, because when he withdraws, I pursue him to get back and sweet to him. Before, if he withdraw, I let him be and ignore him, he come back to me.

But now because I know that he's changed and trying to forget his feeling for me, I can't ignore him and everytime we don't met, I'm so worry. He's apperance changed and he doesn't initate contact with me anymore. I know he's losing interest for me. His friend he's close to now giving him bad effect,told him to just find other girl, although he's my friend too. I've tried no contact with him before, he's the one intiate contact with me but lately I've tried it again and he withdraws more and he hang out with his friends and some girls, he said there's no other girl now he's just trying to busy himself with his hobby and what he want to do. I know deep down he's strugling to forget me and I know he can't but he's trying.... He's become passive aggressive and lose interest in me.

How can a man who's so sweet, patience and kind to me for 5 years suddenly changes and trying to erase his feeling for me? Could he be back like before to me? He told me that he's tired of this relationship and he's afraid he make me sad and he want to do what he want freely (Which is why he lied to me yesterday).I've tried to be patience with this situation, and wish he could love me once again. But he seems distant and doesn't initiate anything now. What should I do? What's excactly happening now? Please advice and give me opinion.. Don't tell me to break up pleasee

View related questions: best friend, broke up, get back together, money, text

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A female reader, MSA United States +, writes (26 November 2014):

MSA agony auntYou're only hurting yourself by trying to hold on to a guy who doesn't love you anymore. I know you know that he is not in love with you anymore and has nothing invested in your relationship anymore.

Why not just let him go? You're only wasting your time, your chances of meeting someone else, by staying in a relationship that has already been dead months ago.

Let you.. breathe.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (25 November 2014):

YouWish agony auntYour answer is found in your second paragraph.

You can't treat someone badly and expect it not to have short and long-term consequences. You were controlling, now he's resisting that control. You tried to manipulate his behavior, and now he's pushing back.

However, I think the situation is worse now. He's lying to you, and I think he's cheating on you, but he's hedging his bets to keep you around in case she doesn't work out.

He's trying to get you to break up with him. And yes, you should. Your relationship is dead, and any attempts to resist it by telling us not to advise you to leave him is you being knee deep in denial.

Your relationship was damaged beyond repair. He's checked out of it.

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