A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've recently got into a relationship with a guy i've been seeing on and off for a long time. We've only been together a couple of months officially but he's began to ask about people i've slept with over the past two years. He's quite insecure as hes been cheated on in the past and we have been through lots of ups and downs throughout seeing each other. We started speaking again in December last year after not talking for about four months. We live long distance so I did not see him during this period, we've always liked each other but we were just texting at this time and I couldn't really tell if he was interested again as his replies were slow and sometimes he didn't message back. In early January when we were still messaging a bit I ended up sleeping with a guy, it was a one-off drunken mistake but I know if he finds out about this he will be really upset. Me and him didn't get together officially until another five months after this happened and fell out a lot and didn't speak during this time over other things. He keeps asking about my past and I have left this one time out as I don't know how he'll react if I tell him. Also do you think he should be asking me about how many people I've been with if I wasn't with him during this time. He seems to be a bit obsessed over it and its making me uncomfortable to keep bringing things up that aren't relevant in my opinion now.
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (9 July 2017):
Honestly, the fact that this isn't relevant to you doesn't matter, since it's obviously relevant to him. I'd say that his obsession with your sexual past comes with the package. If you want to take this guy you have to accept this fact. You can't complain later. And you already seem to be complaining. And you are already lying to him about it. You won't last and you should probably end this now and save yourselves the pain.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 July 2017):
 He is insecure and he doesn't trust you. You need to stop feeling bad for getting with that guy, you where free to do so and not in a relationship. Even if you did choose to tell him, he has no right to get upset, you where not together!! It is your choice what you tell him about but I would nip this in the bud before it becomes more stressful you need to be straight with him and tell him your past has nothing to do with him and if he does not stop asking you will leave! You need to be brutally honest with him.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (6 July 2017):
My old grandpap used to say "A man who can't put the past behind him is doomed to live in it."
Tell him that you are not going to discuss your past love life with him. Give him one chance. If he brings it up again dump him. Because he's going to continue to bring it up.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (6 July 2017):
 Absolutely none of his business.
If you don't want to talk about it then don't. I can't see there being a positive outcome from discussing your previous sexual partners.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (6 July 2017):
 I am a guy and the biggest mistake ever is to tell anyone about your history, I am the other posts here in the thing about LDR
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 July 2017):
 None of his business who you have slept with in the past before you and he became an item, none at all. I would tell him his asking for these details makes you very uncomfortable.
I'm with Honeypie when she says being in a LDR with an insecure guy is not going to be much fun in the long run, I expect he will spend most of his time suspecting you and trying to keep tabs, even when you are doing ordinary everyday things and you will either tie yourself in knots trying to appease or assure him, and that is no way for anybody to live.
So tell him his obsessing about your past is not helping you feel comfortable with this relationship. If he persists then you need to rethink about whether this really is for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 July 2017):
 I definitely agree with Honeypie on all counts!
Never give a boyfriend a detailed play-by-play of your past sexual history. He isn't owed it, and like she said, as long as your STI history is 100% clean, and you have no children with any past liaison, then nothing good will ever come of giving the down-and-dirty details.
Many guys who suffer from retroactive (or retrograde, as it's sometimes called) become obsessed with every detail about how any man in the past so much as touched you. It's born out of insecurity, and you won't alleviate the obsession by giving him the details. In fact, you'll make it worse. 10X worse. He'll compare everything you did and the timing of what you did with past sexual partners with your relationship with him now, and it'll get so bad for both of you. Some guys internalize all of it, and it comes out as snide, passive-aggressive remarks. Some guys have it so extreme that they treat their girlfriends like they're actively cheating on him, calling her a "whore" or a "slut" or demeaning her for being dirtied by her past. For him, it plays out in his head every day like it's still happening. You do NOT want to feed into that.
Tell him that you're with him, and that you're not going to bring up any other guy into your relationship with him. Tell him that your past is your past, and he has to either live with it or you're not compatible.
I never believe in lying to a partner (i.e. saying that you're a virgin when you aren't, or saying you've only had 1 sexual partner when you were an escort for 10 years, that sort of thing). But being honest about your sexual values and overall history is much different than naming names, number of times and different positions or types of sex, what you and he said to each other, etc. None of that is or will ever be his business.
One more thing -- DO NOT compensate for his emotional baggage. What is that to YOU if he's been cheated on in the past? That means that he chose the wrong girl to be with, but snooping on you, demanding details of your past sex life, demanding that you answer to him on things you normally shouldn't have to (i.e. where you're at every minute of the day or worried that a work happy hour is going to freak him out), that's NOT COOL and you should call him on his behavior if it becomes controlling or obsessive.
Finally, like Honeypie said, I don't think it's a good idea to do an LDR in the first place. HE can't handle it if he's obsessed, and unless you and he will NO LONGER be long distance within 6 months from now and there's a DEFINITE date of the end of the LDR (i.e. college graduation or the end of a military deployment), then where is your future?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 July 2017):
 I'd be honest and tell him that you don't WANT to discuss your past sex life with him because you don't see it HELPING the relationship AT ALL. NOR do you want to hear about his past sex life.
TELL him it makes you uncomfortable. Either he will respect it or he won't and if he won't - then you have to decide if that is something you want to deal with or not.
YOU do not OWE him a play by play of previous sexual partners. (and he doesn't owe you that either) Just MAKE sure you have done an STD panel so you know you are STD/STI free and ask for the same from him. that is just common sense for someone who WANTS to be serious.
Have you considered that he might actually KNOw about that "thing" in January and THAT is why he keeps hounding you? Because he wants you to fess up?
I wouldn't call YOU sleeping with someone else in January cheating. You two were TALKING but there were no actual relationship or exclusivity.
Another thing you MIGHT want to consider is do you REALLY want an LDR? Most people can't handle them because they feel like their partners have WAY too easy of a time doing things they wouldn't like. And people like your BF who IS insecure might not BE a great LDR partner at all in the long run.
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