A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend of 3 years is in the US Army and on Skype one night he told me to go to my front door. He had someone go write on my front porch step "will you marry me?" And the ring box sitting there with a vase of flowers. When I went back to the computer I found him down on one knee with the biggest smile on his face. It felt like a fairytale to me, I was so shocked. I of course said yes. We hadn't had ANY problems whatsoever. Well then a few days ago on Skype we were planning our wedding and he asked me to sign a prenup. It made me sooo mad. He told me being in the army gave trust issues and he wanted it just in case. It really ticked me off. I am not a thief whatsoever. And it hurt me to think that he feels he couldn't trust me enough to just be married. Even if we were to divorce one day for whatever reason I'd never ever try to hurt him by taking his stuff that he rightfully earned. It's not even like he's rich or anything. I don't understand why he suggested it? You're probably thinking I'm making a big deal out of nothing as your reading this because I feel the same way, but idk it just hurts that he said that. Should I just sign the thing or what do y'all think?
View related questions:
divorce, flowers, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): Not having a prenup is really no different. Not having a prenup just means you both agreed that state law will apply in the event of a divorce.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): Why are you mad? Do you not have health insurance even though you don't plan on getting sick if you can possibly help it? A pre-nup is like a kind of insurance in case the marriage ends. You hope it never happens and just because you have it doesn't mean you are betting against yourself, anymore than having health insurance is a sign of weakness or a predictor of illness.
He suggested it because its the sensible and practical thing to do. And hopefully after you sign it that will be the last time either of you ever think about or see it for the rest of your lives. So what's the big deal?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): Why do people even get married?Marriage is a legally binding contract. Doesn't that smack of distrust of your partner, that you need the law of the land to legally lock your partner into this relationship with you? Isn't just being together good enough for you? Isn't his "I love you, I will always be with you" good enough for you? Or do you not trust that he will stay with you through thick and thin and you need him to sign a legal contract saying he will always be your partner?See, the idea of wanting to legally and formally be married to your partner, is not so different from wanting a pre-nup. Both are meant to protect the parties involved in the relationship. If you wanted marriage to 'secure' the relationship in any way shape or form, or to make it in any way "more" than it is without a marriage certificate, then you're already using the same mindset as a pre-nup so it makes no sense to get mad and upset about the pre-nup.
...............................
A
female
reader, Kell0804 +, writes (4 January 2013):
Sign it. You don't want to pay his bills if there is a death or divorce. And he doesn't want to pay your bills either..
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 January 2013):
 I think if he (or you) have ANY assets a pre-nup is a sensible thing to do.
Like Auntie Bim-Bim said.. Take the papers to a lawyer have HIM look it over and go from there.
A pre-nup doesn't mean he thinks you will try and take his stuff and run, it just means he's seen guys who ended up with the shorter end of the stick and doesn't want to be "that" guy.
I think you are taking the pre-nup too personal. And.. I think he SHOULD have mentioned a pre-nup BEFORE proposing.
...............................
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 He was honest n u have to like n appreciate that. Does he have a reason to not trust u? Even if he doesnt pre nups ensure both parties get what they brought into the marriage if it fails. Hes looking out for both of u.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 January 2013):
 I have to disagree with R1.
A pre-nup only protects assets that existed before the marriage, it does not protect assets gained throughout the marriage. For instance if one of you suddenly wins the lottery while married, that is not protected by the pre-nup. Same goes if you buy a house together, or a car, etc...
Here is an interesting article on it that shows another side:
http://www.understand-estate-planning.com/prenuptial.html
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 I think you should do as Aunty Bim Bim said. Check the agreement with a lawyer of your own and only sign what is fair for both of you.
It is very sad to say this, but whenever you enter into a commitment you need to be sure what will happen if the agreement doesn't work out. I am sure there are million of couples out there who regret not having thought about this on time. There would be no money in being a divorce lawyer if there weren't serious problems to solve once the marriage is over.
Marry ready for the best, but prepare for the worst.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Tell him you would be happy to sign a pre-nup (although unless there are children or family money I'm not sure what he's protecting) that you BOTH have a neutral third party draw up.
DO not sign a prenup that his lawyer draws up for him... that's to protect him totally. He probably wants to ensure you don't take his pension although there are laws to guide what you can get as a divorced spouse...
I would agree to a prenup on the condition that a neutral third party writes it.
FWIW, my first husband was asked by my dad to sign one and he agreed. The reason was my (now ex) did not know that I had family money... we lived a simple upper middle class life but there was family money in trust funds to protect.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): In this day and age, people change over the course of relationships, and we all need to protect ourselves. Yes, it's totally unromantic that he did this. I don't know if I see it as him not trusting you though, it's that he may have a healthy skepticism about things. Unfortunately, as sageoldguy said, the statistics are sobering. It's actually somewhat of a good thing that your guy is reasonable and thinking about the future, even if it's manifesting itself in this decidedly unromantic way.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Please remember; a pre-nuptial agreement is for the benefit/protection of BOTH parties (it must be, or it can easily be voided)....
So.... instead of being "sooooo mad," calm down, review the agreement... get qualifed advice.... and get on with your marriage....
NOBODY goes in to marriage looking, or expecting, that it will fail..... but the statistics are sobering....
Good luck..... and.... Sounds like you've found a nice guy who would go to the lengths he did to "pop the question"....
...............................
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Don't sign it! He shouldn't be preparing for the worst, marriage is for life. And if it does go wrong and you've had a family together don't you deserve a decent divorce settlement?! If you are getting married you should be able to discuss this like adults and hopefully he will see you are marrying for love not money (unless you are marrying for money in which case you had better be a good liar!).
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Don't sign it until you can get a lawyer to check it for you, if you can't afford a lawyer don't sign it and don't agree to marry (or wear the ring) until you CAN afford your own lawyer. If you boyfriend wants to know why you wont get engaged tell him you need to make sure the pre nup is not going to disadvantage EITHER of you.
Let him pay the bill for your lawyer if he offers, just don't let him chose the lawyer, and let me repeat, don't sign the pre nup without checking with a lawyer of your own chosing.
Good luck, it will probabally work out but better to check these things out legally, with a qualified lawyer.
PS: sorry for repeating the lawyer bit, but it is important!
...............................
|
