A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles, I'm seeking some advice. I've started a relationship with a lovely man after a long history of really rubbish relationships, one of which was emotionally abusive. We've only been together one month. He is kind, attentive, gorgeous, intelligent, etc. The problem is something feels wrong in the pit of my stomach and I don't know what it is. He is going very fast. He basically told me that he's fallen in love with me, and has brought moving in together, children and marriage. All of which I want. I have been hoping and praying for someone so wonderful for a long time, but now he's here, I am terrified. Mainly I am terrified because I don't feel like I have had that "he's the one!" moment that he says he has had for me. I know that relationships don't always start with that moment, but as he's had this feeling for me, doesn't he deserve to be with someone who has it for him as well. I don't want to hurt him. My emotions are all over the place. When we spend lots of time together, I start to feel like I could fall for him as well. He is so wonderful to me and such a good person - and I'm really attracted to him - so what is wrong with me!? Is it because I have grown addicted to men who treat me badly so this situation somehow feels wrong? I am torn. One minute I feel on top of the world and relaxed and so happy. The next I have panic in the pit of my stomach and want to cry ad run. I don't know which is my gut instinct anymore. I would really like to take it slow and see where it goes - but shouldn't I back away before I risk hurting someone so lovely? Please help. I feel so conflicted :(
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 March 2015):
 One month in is way too soon to even have talk of "love" enter the picture, much less moving in and having a family. That is a serious red flag. Many people in healthy-moving relationships haven't even gotten sexual in that first month and for good reason! STI's? Knowledge of past relationships/sex partners? Knowledge of financial habits? Does he have a criminal record? Was he married before? Any children either with him or an ex? What does he do for a living and have you verified that he's not misrepresenting his life? Alcohol or drug addictions?? Has he cheated on past partners or is cheating on a present partner?? Any mental illnesses or issues?? How about his family - what is his relationship with them?? All of these things should be well-known before love is even talked about. Male anon...that takes TIME.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): Wow,Overlay, with this bit:"I believe that lasting love in the final analysis is a matter of the will and of conscious choice rather than pure emotion or "destiny", and that there were multiple women that I could have been happy with, if they had reciprocated my interest and been as committed to our relationship as I was....thus did not have unlimited time for a relationship to slowly evolve until the woman felt that she would be able to judge from her feelings or our "chemistry" (rather than by the use of her reasoning and intelligence, since that apparently just wouldn't have been "romantic" enough) whether we were "meant" to be together."You got me almost to a tee... Almost. Real close though! I don't know how relevant it is to this OP, but it was helpful to me to read that and see it through another perspective.The only thing I'd say to you (from the answers here too): " He will want what is best for you not him.", so are you sure you've really loved? Not a question to bug you, just your approach to "love" seems rather "clinical" to me.I mean "love" is very hard to define (for me specifically),but the thing is I always thought it was about putting the person you love first (i.e. before yourself).You seem to have a very practical approach to it (limited time,ok,let's go,I need to know), but isn't that beside the point? Love is not always practical. Yes, it may not last. And far more practical arrangements might (and still do in some parts of the world...),but depends on what you're looking for,I guess.to the OP: I think you should take your time. If he' really into you, he'll sacrifice other things to be with you (my parents have. And they always found a way to be together no matter what difficulties/misunderstanding there were between them or their families.)Just an example,of course,I model my own after it (I suppose) but I've seen how other things/other people don't matter that much if you've got what YOU want.
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A
male
reader, Overlay +, writes (23 March 2015):
I'm not saying that you shouldn't slow things down and get to know this guy better. But, speaking from my male perspective, nothing struck me as more nonsensical when I was dating than unmarried couples who could remain with each other for a long time (even years) and still be unsure whether the other person was "the one" (and this indecision seemed to usually take place on the woman's side).I believe that lasting love in the final analysis is a matter of the will and of conscious choice rather than pure emotion or "destiny", and that there were multiple women that I could have been happy with, if they had reciprocated my interest and been as committed to our relationship as I was.When I was dating, I had to move every couple years in connection with my job, and I thus did not have unlimited time for a relationship to slowly evolve until the woman felt that she would be able to judge from her feelings or our "chemistry" (rather than by the use of her reasoning and intelligence, since that apparently just wouldn't have been "romantic" enough) whether we were "meant" to be together.Again, I'm not saying that you shouldn't slow things down. But I'd say that you should also approach the relationship from the perspective of looking for positive reasons why you would/should want to be with this man, rather than focusing on reasons or excuses why you shouldn't (especially if those reasons or excuses are based on your emotions -- however valid you believe they may be -- rather than anything concrete that you can identify about him). I'd hate to be in this man's position (since I've been there myself and know how terrible I felt) if you were to break things off with him for no other reason or cause that you can specifically identify.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): Let met tell you from my experience. I married my boyfriend of years but from the first moment I met him there was a feeling that I didn't think he was the one. I disregarded it because to me he was the "ideal partner" and there my co-dependent relationship began. I have lost my identity, my dreams and even lost a chance to be with someone I really wanted to be with (even if I'm not 100% sure he feels the same way). Don't make the same mistake I made. I have a pattern of being with someone who loves me and needs me in their life bec. They made me feel special/loved/needed and I didn't think I had a chance with the guy I really liked. my heart was never in it, I never gave myself a chance at true love and it kept me from finding someone who does. Now I'm contemplating divorce bec. of it. Dont wait for years to listen to your gut. It took me years to identify my relationship patterns and I am trying to fix it but it is hard to get out of an unhealthy relationship because they know how to trigger your weak side. Be strong. Get out while you still can. Learn to love yourself more, identify what your dreams/likes are, once you are whole ONLY THEN should you be in a relationship because you can easily filter which guys are good for you or not. God has a great plan for you but He will show you in His time, not ours. Dont make the same mistake I made. Believe that you will find your happiness and peace but you have to be patient and grow while you wait. Leave this guy you're with now. If he truly loves you, he will wait and"sacrifice" to be with you. He will want what is best for you not him. End this now and time will reveal the answer you are searching for.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 March 2015):
 I see it as a BIG FAT red flag with the whole marriage and moving in this soon and I think the feeling in your pit of your stomach? IS your gut reaction yelling DANGER!
You don't KNOW a person a month in. Nor how you really feel about them.
I would very much advice caution and slowing WAY WAY down.
A guy in this age group knows EXACTLY what a women in your age group is looking for, and he is pulling out all the stops.
Don't dismiss your gut reaction even if you can't pin-point exactly what is giving you those "knots".
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 March 2015):
You *SHOULD* be terrified, and don't dismiss it for one hot second. What honest relationship in the first MONTH when the both of you are still strangers to each other brings up love, moving in, and marriage?? No honest relationship.
Guys who do that are either cons, players, or flakes. Two of the three pick up emotional damage in you and make you their mark.
Cons do it in order to get something from you, usually financial support or a meal ticket, a means of staying in the country if they're an immigrant, or another way to use you and your resources. In extreme circumstances, they do it to commit a crime against you or someone you love, like child molesters who groom a woman in order to rape their little daughter or son. Cons don't care if you become bankrupt, a hollow emotional shell, or if you lie to your family members in order to service him. The fact that you describe being "addicted" means he's got you where he wants you.
Players do it to get in the sack. They say whatever it takes to open a woman's legs, then drop them when they get their sex, or maybe a couple more times for booty calls before moving onto the next mark. Players can be married, get you addicted, yet hide you from their real lives.
Flakes do it because they are emotionally unstable. They can be dangerous - wildly jealous and abusive, running hot and cold. High drama, everything is "Bonnie and Clyde" (those two lived a life of crime and ended up shot full of holes), they move everything LIGHTNING fast and then either things get extremely ugly extremely fast where they can become abusive, obsesses stalkers OR they disappear without warning and without notice ready to do it again to someone else.
All I can tell you is you are in a hell of a lot of danger. You've been marked because you never resolved your past relationship issues, have become vulnerable, and now you are being exploited. By which of the three, I'm not sure of, but I'd guess it's the Con that's got you.
No real relationship rushes to love and moving in the first month. Not one, and there is no legitimate reason for doing so. You're being fed a line of lies designed to manipulate you. The fact that you feel addicted is no accident. Cons are master groomers who are not interested in getting to know YOU, but getting you under their control. People who are addicted will lie, cheat, steal, and do things which are morally and ethically degrading to feed the addiction, to the point of endangering family members and friends, losing jobs and emptying bank accounts to bail their addiction out of jail, and so on. No healthy relationship ever describes themselves as "Addiction".
You haven't had the "he's the one" moment because he isn't the one. When you drink a mirage, your thirst isn't quenched because it isn't water. He's a mirage, not a partner, and you know it, even in your damaged state. However, he's grooming you to override your doubts because you're damaged.
Words are worthless. He's said he's had this moment with you and is offering the world to you, basically telling you what you want to hear and he knows it. There is no shortcut to TIME. You can't cut corners. He isn't your white knight to rescue you from your life and the angel of light to make you happy. In fact, in some religions, they describe the "enemy" or the "liar" or the "deceiver" or "destroyer" as appearing as an angel of light. I don't care if you're religious or not...this guy is your false angel of light.
Get out while you can. There is a reason why you are terrified. Do not dismiss it. You will find real happiness, but not in this way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2015): I think you should listen to that feeling you have in your gut, a nice guy isn't just someone who instantly, within five minutes of knowing someone, announces their love and wish to marry you. That is too fast.Healthy relationships are built on the ability to communicate, so you need to share with him that he is going too fast and while you think he's a nice guy, you are uncomfortable with the speed he is progressing. You need to spend more time just getting to know each other, talking about marriage is crazy when you've known someone a month. You should be sharing info about your lives, your interests and enjoying each other's company.As for a moment that you feel where he is the one, it's not all fireworks and butterflies, and it's absolutely normal not to know after a month! So talk to him, it's not just because of your past you feel this way - lots of people would feel a overwhelmed if their new partner is rushing the relationship. He might not know any different, he might think that's all things women want to hear, but having a chat with him will let him know he needs to tone it all down. You mention the panic, I think after having such awful experience of an abusive relationship you are just apprehensive about being committed with someone, in case they turn out to be the same or do the same to you. That's just more reason you need to talk to this guy, relationships work when both people communicate openly and honestly.
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