A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started talking to my boyfriend about 4 yrs ago. We only texted and hardly ever talk on the phone. I had just went through a bad divorce and just wasn't ready to date. Well we finally met a year and a half ago and it was only two times. He worked at night I worked during the day and then his mom got sick....a year later we finally went out on our first date. We have been dating for 6 months now. I didn't date anyone for 4 1/2 yrs he hadn't dated for 5 yrs. I'm 40 he's 48. I have two teenage kids at home and both of us are divorced. With that said we are in love and he is a great man. Good to me and the kids. The problem is he is not affectionate. Won't hold my hand will not French kiss me unless it's before we have sex sometimes. I've talked with him about this he always has an excuse. Either it's because he was alone for so long or he had to be strong and not show emotions for so long. It's always something. We have great sex when we do have it. I'm just not sure what to do. I love him and I want him to show me he wants me. I can't keep my hands off of him yet I get nothing back. I know he loves me and I just don't know what to do to light a fire under his ass to get him to show me! I'm hoping someone with a similar experience can tell me what to do. I'm getting frustrated and I don't want to loose him because he is a good man. Yet I can not continue with out the passion I need. 4 yrs with out sex has only grown my want. He said i do things he has never had done before yet there is no affection or drive to want to show me he feels the way he says he does. We now live together and have purchased a vehicle together as well. He still works night and me during the day. So we only have quality time during the weekends. If someone can help me I'd appreciate it! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): You're too young to have to do without passion in a relationship. Always keep in-mind, you found him; you can find someone else. A racist-smoker is a deal-breaker for me, but to each his own.
I still sense he's a bad choice; but you're the one who has to live with it. Not me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWise old owl you matucasly hit that one on the head! I've been married two xs one was abusive and the other fell to mental illness and drugs. I took a break because I needed to grow up and heal. My bf is a good man. He has his problems he smoke (I quit three yrs ago) he is racist in some way and definitely set in his ways. He was single for 12 yrs after his divorce. Again he was married 2xs also. I chose to date him because I was comfortable with him and when we did do something it was wonderful! Yes I've talked to him several times about what I want and need. He said he will try and he has in some ways. He will give me kisses (just pecks though never a good kiss) just here and there. He has started holding my hand more. And has on occasions given he hugs from behind. He will always hug he standing in front if me but hardly ever come up behind me and hugs me or kiss my neck. I've told him it should come naturally not me asking for it. I've never had someone to be like this. Yet I am comfortable enough to be able to open up to him and tell him things I've never told anyone before. I know as I'm sitting here writing this I'm discribing a good friend not a bf! I want that new passion I want and need. I just don't want to go back to being alone. It's so hard raising kids when the father is absent and you barley make enough money to buy groceries! I've worked two jobs just to make ends meat and here is a man who wants to see me suceed and help me and my children. Something I've never experienced! Yet I've constipated leaving him because the lack of passion I want. Am I being too pushy or just scared? I want this to work but I don't want to be with someone who has no ambition to please me. I make all efforts to making him feel good and wanted I just want the same. I know this is something I need to figure out on my own but then again I feel lost. Hope this helps with the answers. I know it's not a quick fix and if I do leave I'm not only hurting him or myself but my children who really like him. How do I explain to them why we broke up? Mom needs more?? I don't know. I shouldn't have to beg for affection or even ask for it! It should flow like a river and be addictive! Not mello and occasionally!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2014): If you say you don't want to lose this good man, there isn't much anyone can say. Did you ever find out why he's divorced? He's old enough to know how to please a woman.
I take it you've had a talk with him,and asked him for more kissing and touching. However; it has to be spontaneous. Not forced and mechanical. It's okay to beg for it, if he's only holding back to make you want it. Then give it to you.
You sound incompatible. You're emotional and passionate, and he's not. You're asking how you can change him. I believe your problem is, you are a bad match in that department.
You shouldn't have to change him. He should come fully-equipped to give you what you want and need as a woman.
You are a smart and mature lady, who knows what you need in a relationship. You've been married before, and you're a mother. Your life has been spent giving love to others. It's your turn to get everything you want. It's difficult telling a divorced woman with teenage kids and almost 40, she can have it all. It may come across a bit condescending or dismissive. That is far from my intention.
You're willing to give; and deserve the affection that you need in order to thrive. You've been deprived far too long. You shouldn't have to settle;just because he's a nice man in many respects. Yet not where it really counts for you. You need love, passion, and affection. It's supposed to come as a full-package. It's what pleases you. You divorced for the lack of what you wanted in a relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong.
It sounds as if you're almost ready to forgo your needs, just to have a man. We can't tell you how to turn him on; if he himself can't offer you any suggestions. You can pretty much look up suggestions online and in magazines; but then it's you doing all the work.
The question is, will it make any difference?
There is no magic wand that you wave can over him, and he'll kiss you and show you affection. If it's not in his nature. In my strongest opinion, men who show no affection are very undesirable as boyfriends, husbands, or fathers. They make good roommates, or are better off in the friend-zone. Otherwise, you are trying to drag romantic emotions out of a man, through whom they don't flow naturally. He's too old to change into a romantic lover-boy. He knows you want it, but doesn't bother to try. That annoys me.
Maybe if you could offer more details about his personality and character, that would help. Maybe someone else will see something I'm missing. I love kissing, hugging, caresses, and foreplay. I don't have any trouble giving it all in abundance. I don't waste my time with people who don't or can't return it.
I had a partner who was "uncomfortable" with openly showing affection; but demonstrated love so many creative and erotic ways, I have yet to find anyone else to match that skill. I knew how to bring that side out. Just by being me! Not settling for any less than what I wanted. I never hesitated to express my needs and put them into words. Then I patiently waited. I was never disappointed. I don't think that's what you have. You have a nice guy, who lacks passion toward you.
He's mature and set in his ways. If you haven't been able to convey the fact that you need more from him, he doesn't care. It's obvious he isn't trying. Don't look for excuses or rationalizations. He sounds like a bad choice.
Your need of affection is so strong that it moved you to write to DC to find out what to do. As if it's your fault.
If he doesn't change, are you going to keep him anyway? You love him; so that means you might have to take him just as he is. He may never become affectionate, or enjoy kissing you. Sex must be pretty dull; with very little kissing and emotional connection. Ask him flat out what's the problem?
It sounds like he's just not that into you!!!
It's really difficult for aunts and uncles to give advice to people who start out by telling us they love someone and don't want to lose them. Then tell us the person shows them no affection and they're emotionally unresponsive. It says you'll give up in defeat, just to keep them.
If he's got issues that shutoff his ability to display affection; then don't invest so much of your own deep feelings. It sounds lopsided. Luckily, he's just a boyfriend. I wouldn't even consider marriage.
He doesn't seem to offer you the most important things you look for in a relationship.
You said he's good to you and your kids.
What does that mean? He's a good provider? What's so good about a man who doesn't show his woman affection outside of the act of sex? He comes around. He's friendly. Sounds like a good neighbor, not a boyfriend.
I sense you left out a lot of things. I don't suspect you have much sex either. I think you are placing him up on a pedestal; and you're coming down off the cloud, and seeing him for who he truly is. A nice guy, but a dud. You want to be ravaged and consumed with love and passion.
It's not your responsibility to change him. He has to meet you halfway. NO, ALL THE WAY! You've already ended one marriage; and you're searching for what you're missing. I hope you find it.
A good man would make it his business to please you; or you should hand him his walking papers. You're built to love; and I think you should get it in every way, shape, and form you like and deserve. I will not settle for any less from anyone myself. You might be better off just being good friends. A lover and a romantic-partner have a moral responsibility to fulfill your physical and emotional needs; unless they are impaired in some way, and they can't.
Otherwise, you have to go without it, and accept the other things he has to offer in compensation for the lack of affection. Do you really think you can do that? Here's a better question. Why should you?
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