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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my partner for 3 yrs and we have a beautiful 2 yr old daughter. For the last few months our relationship has been really rocky. I feel like we are growing apart and I can't help blaming myself. The problem began with my partners emotional distance and low libido. She suffers from depression and not having suffered it myself I reacted badly and took her vagueness and lack of affection personally. We finally got her some help and the difference in her has been phenomonal. I feel really happy that she isn't suffering anymore, almost overjoyed. I have never suffered it but I could see the toll it was taking on her. The main problem now is her friendship with another male online. She meets with him for 2hrs minimum a day sometimes up to 7 hrs. I brought up that I thought she was spending too much time with him but she didn't take me seriously and said I was paranoid and jealous. She likes playing the games and I don't want to take that away from her. She works hard for us 5 days a week and it is what she enjoys doing with her downtime. She says she can't stop the other male from playing or talking to her because she is just playing the games and he turns up and that she enjoys her friendship with him. I didn't originally feel that I was jealous, I just felt that she had no respect for me because if something isn't as important to her as she says it is why wouldn't she curb it and only talk to him a few days a week? I felt invisible. I felt like I was being robbed of a part of my partner that I first fell in love with. I make the mistake of probably thinking I should get identical treatment in return when everyone is different. I have occasionally seen the things they say to each other on her screen and things like "XOXOX" and "hugs" and talking about sex etc Not cybersex just sex talk. I don't think she would have cybersex with anyone behind my back. She has told me she discusses everything with him like a girlfriend. It also hurts me that she discusses our relationship with him when it is none of his business and her friendship with him is what is causing the conlfict. I have said to her I would never meet with another woman online everyday friend or not and spend more time with them or jokingly flirt with them. I wouldn't but I am wrong in measuring her against me. I had always truly believed whatever problems we had in our relationship we would be able to talk them through and work them out together. I am a talker and think that in a solid relationship you should be able to speak about your feelings and resolve things. Things haven't been resolved and it gnaws at me. I keep bringing it up and now it is pushing her away. I am even sick of the sound of myself. I am becoming obsessive because nothing has been resolved. She can be very stubborn and it has turned into an argument based on her thinking the only resolution is her doing "what I say". She is very independent and feels I am trying to give her an order. I have never once asked her to not speak to him. Their friendship appears to have alot of wink wink sexual innuendo and flirting. She says it doesn't mean anything and part of me believes her and another part doesn't. Even the part that doesn't believe her truly doesn't believe there is any intent just her having fun but I can't help feeling I am being betrayed. Irrational I know. I feel like she is getting her flirting out with someone else and I am not seeing this side of her. I just feel in a relationship there are boundaries in the actions and words you direct toward outside parties and I feel like she has stepped over the line and doesn't care that it is hurting me so deeply. I have brought this up over and over I just wish I could drop it. It makes me feel sick. I am sick of being with myself, how can I expect her to want to be with me?It is making me appear jealous and insecure when I don't think I am insecure. It looks like I don't trust her when I do, more than anyone I have ever trusted, that's maybe what scares me. I just want security for my family and a mutual respect and appreciation of what we have in each other. I love her to bits. But my actions and words lately aren't how you show someone love.But now the more I go on about it and the amount of days I destroy her feelings for me I can't help wondering if it is me. So much so I want to seek some type of jealousy management counselling but don't know where to start to look. Everything I find has a hefty price tag attached. I feel so low. It is making feel to a level that is just above suicidal. I don't honestly think I could do it to those I love but I feel tired and like crawling into a hole.Can anyone help me to let go of these irrational feelings of hurt and jealousy? Anyone know of any services for me in Australia?I don't want to lose her over my irrational jealousy. I don't want to hurt her or our family anymore. I don't want to have to move away from my daughter and see her not very often and I want her to grow up in a happy healthy loving environment. I have thought about leaving, seriously thought about it, I have told my partner and she thinks I am bluffing when I'm not. I have said it alot of times but it is only because I can't help coming back to it as the only real solution of preserving some sort of friendship between us before I destroy it and to let her find someone that can give her the happiness she deserves without the anger. Maybe it is better to let someone go if you truly love them. Let them be happy even it it means it is with someone else. Sorry if I rambled, I am just so confused. I have never cared about any of my prior relationships enough to get this wrapped up in emotions and worries. I am failing the one thing in my life I don't want to fail. Please help me.
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female
reader, Taija +, writes (4 December 2005):
 hey i have looked up support services in australia for relationships i know someone who did it and they have never been happier the information is RelationShips Australia Toll free 1300 364 277 they can help you and there email is [email address blocked] i hope you confide in this the website is www.relationships.com.au hope everything goes well and remember that your actions from you or your wife could affect your daughter dont ever let that happen just make sure your wife knows that you and your daughter love her so very much thank you hope it all goes well and look up that support and give it a try good luck :-D
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