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Her moodiness and controlling is wearing me down

Tagged as: Dating, Faded love, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 June 2007) 4 Answers - (Newest, 24 June 2007)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, *onfused!! writes:

Me and my girlfriend are both 18 and we have been together for nearly 2 years. We have a good sex life, and I am so happy when im with her and enjoy the 'closeness' (if you know what i mean by that? -cuddling n stuff) u can only have with someone your completely comfortabl with.

The main problem is that when we started going out, she had had a boyfriend (who was a total #*"%$!) but at least she knew kind of what to do to start a relationship. I hadnt and had no idea, but was really excited about the whole thing n was scared of losing her.

my girlfriend has trust issues and is very highly strung (or as i have been known to refer to it - passionate). she would get mad at me if she didnt want me to do somthing or go t a certain party and i would just give in, because i hadnt figured out that her not getting her own way and being annoyed (overreacting) did not mean i was going to lose her.

i learnt how to handle her moods after nearly a year by ignoring her when she got angry and eventually she would calm down and apologize, but it is too late for me to shift the constant nagging feeling i developed when im around her. i feel as though im always walking on egg shells even when shes really happy n giggling.

i see my other mates with their girlfriends and they are so chilled out all the time. they have arguments, but their girlfriends are not as controlling over them.

i have been trying to decide if i could bring myself to break up with her because not only is there the egg shell feeling, i also wonder if im too young to be in such an intense relationship. we have spent all of college together but are about to go to different (but close) universities. we could probably make it work, but i don't know if i want to. i want to have experiences and maybe try being single again now i have matured. but i don't think i could break her heart because she looks so truly happy every time she sees me. am i being selfish? or am i not being true to myself if i carry on? i am happy when im with her, but i don't miss her like she misses me when im not.

please help me because im going crazy!

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A male reader, confused!! United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2007):

confused!! is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks for the fast replies. both very good points and i had run through these points in my head but it helps to hear an outside perspective.

flower girl:

i see what you mean about the friendship thing, but actually, that insight has made me realize something- we have not become more of a friendship than a relationship, but instead...i am 18 and i feel married. im definitly wanting of some freedom.

i didn't use the word love because i dont think i am in any position to say i understand love. she is my "first love" but i dont have any experience so how can i be sure i am "in love". ive never been a strong believer in love and it's cliches but i think you should mean it when you say it and youll know when you do mean it.

we do have a strong relationship and i know we could survive uni if it wasnt for my feelings. she loves me and really misses me when we are apart. i never realize how much i miss her until i see her again but its never long until she gets in a mood again.

if we ended now, i dont think i would regret anything. we shared a lot of 'firsts' and they all felt right because we knew it was the right person. But i think wendyg is dead-right saying that im wondering what im missing out on.

i feel a lot better now and things are straightened out in my head. unfortunately, doing it is a lot harder than deciding to do it. ive never broken up with anyone before and i am bricking it. any tips?

thanks again.

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A male reader, confused!! United Kingdom +, writes (22 June 2007):

confused!! is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks for the fast replies. both very good points and i had run through these points in my head but it helps to hear an outside perspective.

flower girl:

i see what you mean about the friendship thing, but actually, that insight has made me realize something- we have not become more of a friendship than a relationship, but instead...i am 18 and i feel married. im definitly wanting of some freedom.

i didn't use the word love because i dont think i am in any position to say i understand love. she is my "first love" but i dont have any experience so how can i be sure i am "in love". ive never been a strong believer in love and it's cliches but i think you should mean it when you say it and youll know when you do mean it.

we do have a strong relationship and i know we could survive uni if it wasnt for my feelings. she loves me and really misses me when we are apart. i never realize how much i miss her until i see her again but its never long until she gets in a mood again.

if we ended now, i dont think i would regret anything. we shared a lot of 'firsts' and they all felt right because we knew it was the right person. But i think wendyg is dead-right saying that im wondering what im missing out on.

i feel a lot better now and things are straightened out in my head. unfortunately, doing it is a lot harder than deciding to do it. ive never broken up with anyone before and i am bricking it. any tips?

thanks again.

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A female reader, flower girl United Kingdom +, writes (22 June 2007):

flower girl agony auntAfter reading everything you have said, i can't see how this relationship could possibly carry on, you have not mentioned the word love at all, you can not worry about breaking her heart because like you said you are both going off to different uni's so she will have that to take her mind off things and be meeting loads of new people.

It sounds as thiugh the relationship has developed more into just a friendship you have fun when you are with her but you don't miss her when you don't see her.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself at such a young age if it does not feel right to you then get out, enjoy yourself and have some time for you and concentrate on uni, you have plenty of time for deep relationships when you have your qualifications and security.

Take care.x.

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A female reader, Wendyg United Kingdom +, writes (22 June 2007):

Wendyg agony auntYou have to do whats right for you, Ultimately that is the only way to be happy. Someone else's happiness will not make you happy and can turn to resentment.

You shouldnt judge your relationship on what others appear to be, as this is often not the case. Just because you see what looks to be a loving caring couple on the outside doesnt mean they dont have issues! So its worthwhile realising that you cant measure youre relationship by anyone elses as we are all so different and what works for one doesnt work for another. Appearnces are very very deceptive!

I think your getting a touch of the feeling you want to be set free.... and perhaps its not so much your GF controlling you, its you letting her too much too soon and now you cant tell her. The feeling i get is that you are young and you feel that you havent tried the different tasting water so to speak, and your wondering what your missing out on... that is a very natural thing to wonder or ponder and if you feel this way then perhaps she isnt the one for you... but only you can know this, the controlling thing could be the main issue, but you could be feeling like this wihtout it... now it would break her heart more if you stuck with it and down the line started to fall out of love with her, but stayed with her just so she didnt cry! see what im staying... its easier to break up now than later on when the pain becomes harder.

You owe it to her and to you to do whats right, maybe have a couple of days to dwell on it see how you feel about it all and then maybe have a chat with her and see how she feels... test the water... but ultimately its no use staying with her because you dont want to upset her, as in the long run the feelings involved here will be alot more damaged.

You have to do whats right for you and sometimes its the saying cruel to be kind, its never easy, but in the long run you both deserve to be happy no matter what the outcome of this is, its better to nail it now that later on!

Take care x

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