A
male
age
30-35,
matvangogh
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. We love each other, When I was over my girlfriends house,her ex husband was there becuase he had to use the phone( he is allowed there sometimes becuase he sometimes drives my girlfriends invalid mother for dialysis and goes to see his 12 year old son to go to hockey/baseball games freequently)One time when I got out of her car he was on the phone in front of her house by the front door. and when my girlfriend walked away and I when walked and passed him in the front porch into the home, he verbally threatened to "kick my butt" and he will "take care of me"I told my girlfriend about it.Now im mad at her becuase she still lets her ex come by to see the son and allows him inside sometimes to use the phone or bathroom. I feel like she is taking his side over mine all becuase she has a son together with him and she said if" I love her, I gotta deal with it"I feel very uncomfortable going there now because even though he doesnt come by much, he will eventually show up and i will eventually see him again under the current situation they have now.I insisted she not let him come in. For reasons i cant mention, I cant bring any dates here. I live at home with my family and they are very rude to outsiders.Friends of hers said to her that I should deal with it, but my friend all say that the ex husband is still controlling my girlfriends life and my girlfriend is not respecting me by allowed somsone who threatened someone she cared about into her home when I could be there sometime. Did I do the right thing here? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Was I right or wrong
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male
reader, matvangogh +, writes (25 May 2007):
matvangogh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto be clear on this,for now the ex is allowed back. but she is going to talk to him ASAP and tell him that if he messes with me again he wont be allowed back in there.( or if he uses the bathroom after being told not to) ty all for your advise. (except for mcbirdies uncalled for insulting remarks)
A
male
reader, matvangogh +, writes (25 May 2007):
matvangogh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok we were going to end it yesterday, but ive reached an agreement with her that is amicable to both of us. i told her for me to even consider us getting back together. theres going to be a few non negotiatableground rules here....for my peiece of mindher ex is to ignore me if he cannot say anything polite. if he makes me uncomfortable in any way, this is unacceptable, and i told her that she will have to tell him that he isnt gonna be let back in there under an circumstances( except to pick up and drop off her mom at dialysis)(before she said that even if he DID threaten me that he still would have been allowed back eventually becuase of the son and mother( dialysis) but now she settled for what i said)also.her ex cant go upstairs under any circumstances,not to use the bathroom or whatever .this guarantees he doesnt see any of my belongings in her room or bathroom.this must be his punishment for what he did before.he is allowed to use the phone downstairs onlyalso she must tell her mom that the ex isnt allowed upstairs also . i told her she has to make an effort to talk to her ex and mother about this.i told her 9 regarding my intergrity)i can sell myself on this agree ment but i said " anything less than this i cannot. im sorry" she agreed this morning.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 May 2007):
 I think that this the best decision for everyone all around, just end the whole thing. You have your integrity and she will now have peace of mind.
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A
male
reader, matvangogh +, writes (24 May 2007):
matvangogh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionive decided that my integrity is more important than this relationship. i appreciate all your answers but if she cannot back me up on this, then we cannot date ever again.
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A
male
reader, matvangogh +, writes (24 May 2007):
matvangogh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionty dvi. finally some good advice.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (24 May 2007):
 I think that you need to find someone else.
Yes, she has a child, and yes, she has an ex. Her ex has a right to see his child, and since it's her house, she makes the choice. You don't have to be present for it. At the same time, if you ever see him on the street, make it clear that you're not afraid of him. When you love someone, you have to be willing to deal with their problems. At the same time, they have to be willing to think of you. She shouldn't be telling you to choke your pride. She should back you on it, as long as things don't occur in front of your child. I think that the situation seems like a major stressor to you, and you should get away from it, before it consumes you. Find someone that's willing to go to bat for you and willing to let you express or defend yourself.
Dv1
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie  + ♥, writes (24 May 2007):
 Do you think YOU play well with others? In what way is it different for you to control your girlfriend's actions rather than for her ex to do so? She can show her son whatever she wants by not barring her ex's access--there is no rule anywhere that says people need to respect their ex's boyfriend/girlfriend.
I get that you think this is an issue of respect and territory. What I'm trying to explain to you is that when there are children involved, you don't get to throw hissyfits yourself anymore. They do come first.
Unless you are actually afraid that this man is going to hurt you--and nothing in your letters implies that--you really need to try to be the bigger man and stop letting this situation make you act like a child throwing his toys out of the pram. Do you think the ex isn't loving the fact that you are so worked up over him saying just a few lines to you? Do you really want to give him the satisfaction of seeing your relationship end over this? Because, trust me...you can easily end a relationship over this.
You are not compromising by telling her she has to not let him inside her house anymore. She knows about the situation and to her mind, it does not warrant barring her ex. Respect her decision or leave the situation, but you will not gain anything by continuing to throw a fit over it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 May 2007):
Well why don't you tell him to knock it off with threats? Maybe you will have to clean his clock once so he dummies up. Your girlfriend loves you try to help her out here man.
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A
male
reader, matvangogh +, writes (24 May 2007):
matvangogh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah but i feel like she is allowing him to disrespect me.
I'm offering a compromise here to make both myself and her son happy here ill be happy by being at your house safe in the knowledge that he( your ex) will not set foot in it.
And her son is happy by still seeing his dad. only not in his home( outside is fine)Most single parents do this anyway.( unless the ex is extremtly a mature civilized polite adult who can respect me) this guy isnt any of that.
Shes unwilling to inconvenience her son in any way whatsoever for me. She says she loves me. but I dont think she does. I think she is afraid that her son will hate her for this. but i dont think any guy would deal with it. I think most guys wouldnt put up with it for a minute.
What if i lived with her and he kept threatening me? What then? Would you allow him to be back there every single time and he knows hes allowed to say what he wants to me without any consequences at allHe knows he can say what he wants to me and he knows that his ex wife wont deny him acces to the home.Thats not exactly putting your foot down if you ask me
The ex is controling her in her own home. the ex is forcing her to disrespect me( the love of her life) becuase HE wants her back.
The ex doesnt play well with others here.she think im trying to hurt your son but it her EX that has hurt her son by not respecting his mothers boyfriend while hes in her home.And i feel like my girlfiend is proving to the son that its ok for his father to disrespect guests in her home as long the relationship between the 2 of them are good( father and son)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 May 2007):
Yep you have to deal with it, he's got every right to be there. Why make things harder for your girlfriend? Just because he threatened you, talk is cheap. It certainly doesn't sound like he's controlling your girlfriend, she is just doing what's best for her son. Try being supportive instead of petty. If you love her it should be a walk in the park.
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie + ♥, writes (24 May 2007):
I don't think you have any right to demand that she limit the father of her child's access to her home.
I understand that you are frustrated and feel that she should care enough about you to make this big stand--it is surely upsetting to feel that you aren't being chosen first. But the thing is...you won't be chosen first. Her first and primary loyalty has to be to her child and what is best for him. So long as his relationship with his father is good, the best thing for him is to have as little conflict between his parents as possible, and as much time with his father.
There are rewards and costs to dating someone who already has children. They can be a very special addition to your life. But you also have to understand that their presence means that you aren't number one, and that their needs come first. If you cannot understand that and go along with it happily, this may be a very difficult situation for you to stay in.
Best of luck.
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