A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend (age:30) was married for 6 years to some guy she said cheated on her 4 times in 3 years. So she divorced him, he moved out the house, and that's when she met me(age:26) Some months later, she gets a call from a random number, it's her ex-husband, he's saying how he can't live without her, and that he was coming over, she said she wasn't going to be there, he said he was coming over anyways. Yesterday (I don't work on Thursday's) comes along and I get a knock on the door, my girlfriend is gone, I know it's probably him, I'm expecting a fight, I open the door I see a older man like twice my age (at least 50) standing there, i say "who are you?", he says "I'm Mr. (last name)" and that's when I realize this IS her ex husband. He looked kind of scared, and he asked me who I was and I told him that I'm her boyfriend, and he says "wow, she moved you in fast", and that's when he got a little misty eyed, I could tell he was hurting seriously so I told him to come in. I told him that If he needed to talk, I'm not the guy he thinks I am, I will listen, and thats when he started talking about how he knows he made a big mistake, he has a sex addiction, she's his other half, and that he has been to rehab and he wants to try again. Then he got misty eyed again ( I think he saw the pictures of when she took me to Paris) , and begged me to ask her if there was any chance he had left of winning her back, he said he needed to know. I felt bad for the guy, and I think he deserves to at least know if he has a second chance, everyone deserves that. So last night I asked her, she looked confused, so I said "just asking" and she said "never" , I asked "why", and she gave me an answer I didn't expect, she said that she was in love with me, she wanted to marry me, and that she no longer wanted to be on birth control with me. I'm scared but I love her and I don't see myself with anyone but her so I'm ok with all of this, what I am not okay with is telling him that it is truly over for him. He seemed deeply messed up over her and I can't have that on my conscience if he hurts himself over her. I want to help him get over her, but how? I don't want to get caught helping him and I mess up my relationship but I just don't want abandon him either. What should I do?
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divorce, her ex, moved out, older man, sex addict Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (9 October 2016):
 His preoccupation with self satisfaction is not a medical condition that merits sympathy and over which he has no control.His urges were not so insatiable that he tried to have sex with women right in front of his wife, or his boss, his neighbours and co-workers. He wasn't trying to hump random women in the middle of the grocery store, the bank or at the company Christmas party. He had enough self control to select the safest time and place in which to indulge them. Your girlfriend's decision to leave him was not an impulsive one. It came after YEARS of soul searching, consideration and calculation. She's weighed the pros and cons, considered other opinions and options, listened to every argument and counter point he had to make, every excuse, every apology, every promise, every explanation. Not once, twice or even several times, but COUNTLESS times over a period of YEARS. He's not here to remove uncertainty, but to create it. She made her decision perfectly clear years ago, and her actions in the subsequent years have matched her words. She has not reached out to him, she has ignored his attempt to reach her, she has a new relationship that has grown to the point that you've both moved in together and are planning a long term future. She's even told you she doesn't want him. Where is the uncertainty here?Everyone does not deserve a second chance. And he's not here looking for one. He's looking for the UMPTEENTH chance. He KNOWS. He knew years ago that his ex wife was done with him. So what is this rubbish about deserving to know? There is nothing, NOTHING, sincere and contrite about this man. His motivation is the same as it always was - self interest. And now, thanks to your 'I'm not the guy you think I am. I will listen' he's got you to act against your interests to further his. His own useful idiot to play the violin for him. He is not a man who is vulnerable and hurting. He's a man running out of options, a man who has burned more bridges than he's built, a man who is getting older and finding it harder to lure hot, willing women to his bed. He's a man who has shat where he ate so often and for so long he can't walk without stepping in it. Your girlfriend is a grown woman who is quite capable of deciding what she wants and what's right for her. She's made her choice and she doesn't have to justify or repeat it ad nauseum to you or him. Don't betray her trust by listening to him, feeling sorry for him and allowing him into your home, which is also HER home.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 October 2016):
 I'm not very sure what's going on here but the fact that she suddenly tells you that she wants to be off birth control when the ex lands up, seems a little off to me. It's like she wants to prove her love to you and get rid of this guy but really, this doesn't seem like the best time to bring a child into this scenario.
How long have you known her? Don't take any hasty decisions. Be absolutely sure of what you're getting into. Make sure you know both sides of the story.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 October 2016):
 Not your business dude, whatever happened with your gf and her ex is in the past and she's clearly over it so it's not worth revisiting.
Unfortunately her ex is going to have to deal with it and that's the way it is.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 October 2016):
 You sound like such a genuinely nice guy. but honey he hurt your girlfriend badly, how do you think she would feel if she found out you have been talking to him behind her back, she will lose all trust in men. You need to think about her here not him. Be honest with her, tell her he came around and what he said. She deserves that.
She must have been devastated finding out she was getting cheated on, I don't buy the whole am a sex addict. As he should have got help not mess around. Your girlfriend deserves happiness and so do you. So don't let this guy mess with your head. You are a good guy, don't allow him to tell you any different. Be honest with your girlfriend she deserves to know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): Your mistake was allowing the man to lay it on your conscience. His point is to disturb and sabotage her new relationship. He deserves compassion as a human being; but let him seek professional-help, if he's too sick and broken to get-over her. Cheaters always turn on the faucets and make very passionate pleas for all the hurt and pain they've caused. They only feel their pain after they've done all their damage.
I don't understand how you could empathize with a guy who hurt someone you love so much? I wouldn't have let this guy pass the threshold. Instead, I would have taken the opportunity to let him know she has found you. You wish him well; and suggest he be on his way and never to return. He had no right to come when he was told he shouldn't.
She is done, and all you've done is given this guy the idea you see his side and he has you approval to continue bothering her. No, he deserves no further access and why the hell would you ask your girlfriend such a question on his behalf? Yes, helping him is placing you on the wrong side, bro!
If he hurts himself, then it's up to his family and mental-health professionals to see to his welfare. It's more important to be concerned about how he has hurt her or how he might hurt her again.
His performance was a well-rehearsed act, or award-winning improvisation, he knew would get him points appealing to your empathy as a male. If it went as far as a divorce, she had it with him.
You're a kind guy. As her present boyfriend and protector, she deserves your support, not your betrayal!
More advice! No kids until you put a ring on it, and promise to commit for life. Kids deserve your last-name, their birthrights, and a father committed to their mother legally and in every possible way. It's not old-fashioned, it's in their best interest. Babies should not be a woman's way of assuring they can keep you in their life. You could fall out-of-love with her, but not the kids!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 October 2016):
 Personally, I think it was nice of you to be that considerate to her ex, expect it kind of puts you in the middle of "emotional drama" that really IS none of your business.
SHE is over him. And I think HE needs to know that. He should STILL seek help for his addiction and work on himself, but not with the end goal of winning her back.
Substitute sex-addiction with drug or alcohol addiction. And you might understand WHY she is over and done with that relationship/marriage. I don't blame her.
While I DO understand that addiction is hard to overcome, HE still CHOSE to cheat, because his addiction was more important than her. That is how addiction works. However, HE didn't try rehab till AFTER the divorce. So really how serious was he about the marriage? Know what I am say?
I and I think it's very humane and empathetic of you to feel sorry for the guy, but your LOYALTY and emotions should lay with HER. And HER wishes are to be with you, SHE is OVER him.
YOU are not the one standing between the two of them. Because she doesn't want him EVER again. She is done.
While YOU may believe in second chances... HE had PLENTY of chances during the marriage, so this now is a little too little and way too late. So don't try and push a misguided guilt trip agenda on her. If you feel bad about him being broken up over having to face reality for HIS actions, it's kind of you, but misplaced.
ANYONE who has dealt with an addict reaches a limit at some point. YOUR GF reached hers when she divorced him. Probably even before that.
Does she not DESERVE to be happy? To be with someone she loves and not someone she "might" pity?
I suggest you from now on stay out of that. If you don't want to get as serious as her, LET her know and walk away, but don't do it for her Ex-husband. He had HIS chance and he blew it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 October 2016):
 You shouldn't have let him in - it's none of your business and you've essentially lied to your girlfriend about why you asked her about him. You let someone who hurt her, into her house, while she was out. It's *her* job to tell him there's no chance - it's nothing to do with you and I think you need to tell your girlfriend so she can tell him.
How long have you been with her? If he seemed surprised you've moved in together so quickly, it may be too early to seriously talk about marriage and babies. I mean, she wants to come of birth control before marriage, which isn't wise. Please use condoms every time, as I'm concerned she may stop birth control and not tell you.
Anyway, he's not your responsibility and I know you were just trying to be nice, but now you've added to the drama and awkwardness. Own up to your girlfriend and let her deal with it. Heck, she may not be happy with you for what you did, but you can't get involved any further.
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