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Her attitude is confusing. Should I cut her off?

Tagged as: Friends, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 October 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 24 October 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *nknown77889 writes:

Just looking for advice regarding my friend as I'm honestly confused.

I have this friend I met through university (a guy) and he has a friend we are both kind of friends with (she's a girl).

Anyway my problem is sometimes this girl acts like she wants me there and I'm hilarious. But other times she actually acts like she hates my guts and it's really confusing me.

Today we were both attending a party of our mutual friend (the guy) and I was having a good time but she was consistently suggesting I'd had enough and should go home, like she wanted rid of me. I had intended on leaving after a few hours but after she continued to pressure me to leave I decided to stay like our mutual friend wanted and we all went out to the club (with other friends).

Anyway during this whole night she had purposely ignored me, sat away from me and others as if she was in a huff, give me dirty looks, take pictures with everyone but me and purposely make conversation with everyone except for me, I generally felt excluded by her.

I don't usually let things bother me, as if someone doesn't like me that's fine but this girl is really irritating me. Like recently all three of us through dinner parties and we had a really good time, and it was awesome. She's also made further plans for us to throw more dinner parties around Christmas time, as well as go see the fire works for Bob fire night and a pumpkin carving day - she actually suggested all of these.

However, now we are back to hating me and I honestly don't know why and it's bothering me. I considered her a friend but I don't understand what her problem with me is.

I mean I know for a fact she's a compulsive liar, and she's extremely childish. She puts this massive show on in front of everyone, it's a fake act hiding who she is and will tell anyone what they wanna hear. But when we are alone, like the other day, she opened up and she's actually alright, but what she's doing now is just bothering me and I'm considering cutting her off as I don't understand why she's doing what she's doing, and I shouldn't have to put up with feeling like that.

Any idea why one minute she hates me and one minute we are getting on?

View related questions: christmas, liar, university

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (24 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt sounds like she is threatened by you for some reason. Maybe she is jealous? Maybe she wishes she was more like you? Either way she is not acting very mature and well really you need to be asking her these questions not a bunch off strangers on the internet. Phone her and ask her to join you for lunch or coffee. Then chat to her and tell her how she has been making you feel. Be open and honest, if she does not answer you properly then end the friendship and leave it at that.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (22 October 2017):

I meant to say:

"If they sense tension, they will consider the source. If they are intelligent mature people, that is."

You can't make everybody like you. Simply demand respect and attempt to draw a truce. I didn't say you had to kiss her ass. If she goes out of her way to disrespect you, you owe her a piece of your mind. Let that be the last resort. She wants to irritate you and create tension that will ripple through the group. That way, you'll get left-out in order to avoid it.

Instead, continue pretending like she's not there. Be polite, and eventually she will get tired of herself. Has your male-friend given any opinion about this? Don't place him in the middle. I'm just curious to know if he was aware of all this?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (22 October 2017):

Well, not knowing her, all we can do here is speculate based on what you've described about her behavior. She's on and off, hot and cold. I guess this depends on how much fun you're having with your mutual male-friend. Perhaps she fancies him, and you seem to dominate his attention (not intentionally); because you are probably a lot more outgoing and have a more magnetic-personality. I gather she's competing with you. Probably envious.

When I first started dating my boyfriend; I met a few of his well-healed friends. He is a businessman and doing very well. There was one in particular who would constantly throw curves and barbs at me. Suggesting that my interest in my boyfriend was all about his money. I have a sense of humor, so I laughed it off. I'm not stupid, nor timid. I just gave this jerk plenty of latitude; because he didn't know me. I am well-educated and have a very good job.

Financially, I don't need anything from my boyfriend. We met in flower nursery at a home supply center. I had no idea what he had, and he approached me first. I don't shy away from addressing people directly, and asked him what the issue between us might be? He says he is protective of my boyfriend, they are quite close. I asked if he felt threatened by me? He himmed and hawed indignantly; as if I were talking foolishly. He asked me why should he be? I don't know, you tell me? He apologized if I took it that way. I told him I didn't take it that way, he was quite direct and rude in his delivery. How else could it be taken? I accepted his half-assed apology, and his attitude changed towards me. He became more polite. The snark and the barbs ceased. I still got dirty-looks. That doesn't bother me.

My boyfriend eventually ejected him from his circle of friends; because he was a social-snob, confrontational, and bigoted. I had nothing to do with that. It's up to my boyfriend to choose his friends. He was quite funny though.

It's best to have a one on one with people when they treat you rudely for no apparent reason. Give them the opportunity to explain themselves. Don't let on it bothers you, only that you're curious to know if there is a problem. It's always best to take the high-road. Don't bicker or haggle with them. Just let them know you're willing to maturely talk it out, if they do have a problem.

Sharing mutual friends, you can't really drop her. She'll show-up and put on a catty-performance strictly for your benefit. Just get in the practice of ignoring her like spoiled children. Remain polite and unmoved by her behavior.

It takes all the fun out of irritating you when there is no reaction. Never leave because she tells you to. Who is she?

Expect her to takeover the group and attempt to slant them against you. If they do, you will know who your real friends are; and who your real friends aren't. Some people like to keep closed-circles or cliques, and select who stays and who goes. She isn't the chairman of your social-circle, so let her plan her nasty little heart out. People catch-on quickly to a trouble-maker. If the sense tension, they will consider the source. If they are intelligent mature people, that is.

Just clear the air with her first. Don't involve others or put anyone in the middle. It's between the two of you. If she remains unreasonable and difficult, ignore her. Everyone knows her ways and will not hold it against you; seeing that you've been tactful and diplomatic. To create a feud would be childish, and will breakup the group. That would be a victory for her. Just have the talk, hear her out. Then dismiss her foolishness.

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