A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This may be a stupid question, but I need advice. I have no kids, my younger bro has 3 my sis has 2.My sisters youngest is a 4yo boy,X. He is very active like most 4 yr olds, and like most 4 yr olds he needs his parents, to the point of being upset saying "i hate you", "go away" 'why is SHE/HE here?" and crying/acting out if some people (me and a few others) talk to my sis or bro in law if he is around.. he worships his father. He is normal, a bright kid, very active, naughty at times, and a little spoilt, my bro in law is stricter but is away for work at times.He attends day care when my sis is at work, he is NOT add or autistic or impaired cognitively, he just really loves his mother and father. and is a little possessive, esp of his dad, who works one week away then is home one week..I see them, 2 times a yr as they live interstate,I speak to my sis on the phone 3 times a yr and we talk via FBook, occasionally. (last time on my bday in may, my nephew said "hi" on the hone then was silent,my sis was impressed he did this!) My nephew X does not like me, he doesn't know me well (I know I know... im almost a stranger, but I always say hi when I see him and try to talk,at his level, he doesn't respond) and whenever im around. he will saygo awayI hate youwhy is she here?or just stare at me and run away and be naughtyand.. last December (at my sisters wedding) when I saw him last, he pushed my legs, frowned, and told me to go away..my mother though it was "cute" ...it wasn't cute..I ignored him and kept talking, to my mother. I didn't want to reinforce his bad behavior by laughing it off..Everyone thinks he is so cute.. he is cute but he doesn't like me and im not sure what to do as he is my nephew and I want to at least be able to talk to him when I see him.his 13 yr old brother is a teen but will say hi and have a conversation, as muchas much any 13 yr old does..whats the best way to talk to him? I cant Skype as my sister ONLY skypes occasionally with her husband, when he is away and works full time and is so super, super busy with work and 2 kids and life, she doesn't have time. I know it is stupid but I feel offended that my young nephew doesn't like me, he loves my bro and sis in law who he rarely sees.. my bros 3 kids, and he loves my dad, my mother, its me(and a few extended family members) he dislikes.Im not a natural with little kids..(not everyone is! am better with older ones..Maybe he can sense this..im better than I was though.. how do I be better? even though he rarely sees me I want to try.. esp as my parents (who live near my sis) love him and say how wonderful he is..kind advice please, I don't need criticism, Im doing my best..thanks.what do I say when he says he "hates me"not react? I cant discipline him, or say "thats not nice" he is my sisters child it is not my job..
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 June 2014):
 my best advice is to just let him come to you as time goes on.
don't force anything
he's 4 and you have seen him like 8 times in his entire life... he has no clue who you really are.
give him time to come to you. and do NOT take it personally.
WiseOwlE's post is 100% perfect.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 June 2014):
 I agree, you are taking it way to seriously.
He doesn't KNOW what HATE is. BUT he does know it gets him a reaction.
I think it's PERFECTLY fine to tell a little kid - that's not very nice to say or deflect it with fun. Just tell him:" You know what I dislike? (I wouldn't use the work hate myself) I really dislike that you can't build snowmen in summer... Something silly that will give him pause to think and maybe laugh.
Kids are VERY perceptive when it comes to adults. He knows you don't know how to act around him and that you really aren't keen on him.
The whole bribe (like Uncle Cerberus mentioned) is actually not a bad idea. Don't go crazy, but talk to his mom. Find out what he is into (toys) and maybe send him some out of the blue. He will associate the toy will you at some point.
My guess is he is rather spoiled with attention from his mom, so he sees YOU as a competitor. My bet is that he also tell his MOM I hate you, when he gets mad at her. And since they "find it cute" he won't stop until his mom/dad put their foot down.
On a personal note.. My kids watched Nemo MANY years ago, and my middle daughter who was 2 1/2 picked up the I hate you! from Nemo. She would try and use it when she got mad at me, her sisters, the cat, her bestie.. basically anyone. I tried hard to nip it in the bud, because as an adult (and HER mom) it was hurtful to hear. The point is though, at 2 or 4 they have NO IDEA what to hate is. With a lot of talking she started to use her own words instead of Nemo's. So she would VERBALIZE why she was mad. But that took a lot of work and effort on MY behalf. Your sister chooses to more or less ignore it, because she understands that he has no clue, that he uses it for "dramatic effect".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): I am very good with children. They sense when you feel uncomfortable around them. They often read your facial expressions and your eye-contact is what they judge you by.
They also know when you're being phony and just trying to force them to like you. Don't talk baby-talk to a four year-old. They become offended.
You don't visit a lot. You don't have kids like his other aunts and uncles, and you look nervous.
He may not like your hair, style of makeup, or facial expressions. It might help if you just say hello, and smile then quickly look away. Don't stare him down. If he is rude, tell him that isn't nice. Leave it to his mother to correct him when he misbehaves. He is only four. It is naughty, but still cute. You want him to like you. When he says he hates you, tell him that hurts your feelings; because you still love him very much. Say it like you mean it.
Very serious adults who don't smile much are unsettling to small children. Don't touch him, if he doesn't want you to.
I had an aunt I really didn't like when I was little. She had a high-pitched voice, and the more she tried to befriend me, the more annoyed I'd be. She chase and grab me. I disliked her all the more for it.
I even had a bad dream about her. She just didn't look right to me. One day, she visited. She had her hair down, and no lipstick. She looked so pretty. She noticed I smiled at her. She asked me for a hug, and I gave it to her. Something had changed about her, and I fell in-love with her from that day forward. Just a thought.
Ask him. "Does auntie scare you? I don't mean to, but I will leave you alone until we can be friends." A bribe may not be good until you both meet halfway. Then you can give him a peace offering. Just don't try too hard.
Before you leave, make a fuss about how you'll miss him, and how cute he is. That will stick with him. Always make a point to say hello when you're on the phone or Skype.
You come and go, and he doesn't understand your long absences. So he doesn't connect with you. All the other family members are more familiar to him. Sometimes children just have to warm up to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): OP kids are easy, just bribe him. Become the aunt that has his favourite candy or a little toy every time you come over. Seriously it's that easy. He'll then connect you emotionally to the cool aunt that always has something awesome for him and he'll quickly change his opinion. I mean he's 4, all you do is come over and ignore him, or say hello and pay him no attention.
He probably "hates" you because you ignore him when he tries to get your attention by acting up towards you. You're the cold aunt to him. He's not your kid, OP, it's not your job to raise him so let go of this idea of reinforcing his behaviour. If that's how his parents are raising him, and they don't try and stop him then who are you to teach him anything?
"I hate you, why are you here?" "I'm here to see you because you're my favourite nephew and I have this for you."
OP you're the adult here, he doesn't actually hate you but you do take his mommy and daddy's attention away from him you come over and even worse you then ignore his attempts to get attention from you because he's not doing it in a mature manner that you want him to. He's 4.
It's up to you to change his mind about you, not try and change his behaviour on principle or anything like that. He's 4, you know? Butter him up, be sweet, kind, pay him attention, tell him how awesome he is, tell him how big and strong he's getting and bribe the shit out of him, ask him questions about himself, tell him he's a good boy or that picture he drew that his mom showed you was brilliant and you'd love it if he drew you one too.
4 years old, OP, engage him, be nice to him. Don't play up to his behaviour by getting angry.
Stop taking this so personally, he's just a 4 year old kid and it's not his fault he's not been taught how to get attention in a more positive way and it's not your job to change that.
Getting him to like you is easy once you get rid of this naive "on principle" thing you have. Kill his attitude with kindness.
You can't change his behaviour when you see him so little and it's not up to you to do that anyway, but you can change his attitude towards you by becoming the cool aunt.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (11 June 2014):
 You are right in your analysis of the situation. You are not particularly good with little children. He is somewhat spoiled. You shouldn't correct him. (it is o k to identify rude behavior, "that was a rude thing to say" not "You are rude")
Connecting with younger kids is a lot like connecting with adults. Find out what they are interested in. Take an interest in their interests. Look them in the eye when you talk to them. Make sure they feel included.
As to the pushing and telling you to go away. Kids have a good sense of fairness. Try this. No, it is my turn now you are next, in just a minute. Then be sure to give him his turn. Big weddings and some family events, can be very boring for a 4 year old. These are times they are going to act out
FA
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A
male
reader, thoughtsshared  +, writes (11 June 2014):
 It's difficult to hear nasty words coming from a family member but it seems that he's not used to being told to behave and that he's allowed to say and do pretty much whatever he feels like doing.
Young children are very good at manipulating adults and will say and do whatever it takes to get their own way - more time with their parents, more junk food, less of what they don't like, etc.
A four-year-old mind is very different from the mind of an older child in that they don't consider the needs of other people. Some scientists even compare the brain of a young child to that of a chimpanzee. At this time you are merely someone who gets in the way because he doesn't understand where you fit in to the family and is jealous of the attention you are given.
Do not take it personally. He will soon change. Don't feel offended my his behaviour. His parents probably don't take the bad behaviour seriously because they understand how he is at this difficult stage of childhood (even though many would criticize them).
Don't react when he says "I hate you" - he's learned that this makes people retreat. By retreating you are merely reinforcing his bad behaviour. My advice would be that when you see him, do things that might interest him but try and be interested in them as well (modelling clay, drawing, cars, building bricks, puppets etc.) and then you can start interacting with him.
I'm sure that in a few years, especially once he starts school and will have to behave very differently, he will see you for the loving, caring aunt that you clearly are.
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