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Help me get a second chance!

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 June 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 15 June 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My gf and I were together for over 6 years, and although we had our problems we were happy.

I'm 2 years younger than her (29/31), so for that reason she was always asking me for more commitment. I asked her to move in but that wasn't enough apparently - she wanted to know when we would get married and have kids.

I'm a guy so obviously I don't think a lot about that sort of stuff and I don't have a crystal ball, so I kept telling her to calm down. That I do want those things with her one day so she doesn't need to worry and to just go with the flow.

However, about 6 months ago she left me. She said she was tired of me 'wasting her time' and not being 'grown up' enough to commit to the future but that's not true! I always said I wanted a future with her. She just wanted a full plan for our lives which is not possible - stuff always gets in the way.

I've spent the last 6 months trying to get her back but she won't even meet up with me. She keeps saying we obviously don't want the same things, but we do! She's just being too stubborn to listen! What can I say to get her to give me a second chance?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 June 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI agree fully with Cindy.

After 6 years YOU DO know if you want to marry someone or not.. Not the whole... maybe some day...

She wants different thing than you do. No if, ends or buts about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015):

'reason she was always asking me for more commitment. I asked her to move in but that wasn't enough apparently'

Lol OP, moving in is not a commitment. At all. There is no commitment beyond sharing a roof ; something you can easily do with your friends

or strangers without anyone looking at it as a commitment.

Moving in sex on tap. It is cheaper bills and less housework for you both and someone to watch GoT with in the evenings. But is very much taking your relationship 1 day at a time.

'I'm a guy so obviously I don't think a lot about that sort of stuff'

I call bs. My guy proposed and he talks about kids all the time. It's not because you are a guy. It's because those things are not priorities for you at the moment; and that's ok.

'I don't have a crystal ball, so I kept telling her to calm down.' This is precisely why she left. You speak as if marriage and kids are things that will magically happen when the powers that be so ordain. That's not quite how it works.

You want marriage?

You propose.

You want kids? You stop using contraceptives and have lots of sex at the right time of the month. You do not need a crystal ball for either of these.

But the timing isn't right I hear you say. Fair enough. Kudos to you for having the fortitude to not be pressured into something you're not ready for. (Those couples usually break up after years if him feeling trapped and resentful)

For her, now is as good a time as any to tie the knot and get knocked up.

Unless you can identify specific milestones you need to hit before getting the ball rolling and why you need to hit them as well what you will do if you don't hit them there is no conversation to be had between the two of you.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (15 June 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt..Or maybe you are the one who does not want to listen. She spoke her mind very clearly- she said you rwo do not want the same thing. You dismiss that, affirming that instead you do .

I may believe that you are in good faith, but you are emotionally invested so maybe you do not realize that this is simply not true- you do not want the same thing at all. At least, you want it nowhere as badly enough- surely not enough to make it happen. She does. Biiig difference.

She is like someone who desires ardently, say, to see Paris.

You are like someone who ,sure, why not, DOES NOT MIND to see Paris one day , if there will be the chance.

They would go about things in a whole different way.

The first person would go to travel agencies, collect brochures, compare prices , seek for special offers, choose a neighborhood where she wants to stay, etc.etc.

And if the difficulty in visiting Paris is that she has not got enough money- she would start saving toward her goal. Like today, doing without something else.

If the difficulty is that she's got no passport, she would apply for one. Today. She does not utter one word in French ? She'll buy a " French for dummmies " and start studying.Today.

In short, she has made her mind to go to Paris and she will take every necessary step to accomplish that on the shortest possible time.

You are like a person who would not mind to see Paris- some time. If he wins a ticket at a raffle. If his twice removed cousin who lives in France invites him over. If he gets a small inheritance , or an unexpected bonus, so finds himself with a little sum to splurge on trips. Well, on trips.... if other stuff does not come up first ...because stuff always comes up and gets in the way.

Bullshit, OP :). I know it and you know it. When there's a will there's a way, and if people have made up their mind to do something, they'll just DO it, no efforts spared. ( At least if we talk about something so normal and unexceptional and totally under our control as getting married ! ).

You do not really WANT to get married- you just aren't totally adverse to the idea one of these years ( or eons ).

It's not " wanting the same " . At all. And I am not surprised that your ex does not want to give you a second chance- it does not make any sense from her point of view.

Please realize that you don't HAVE TO want to tie the knot, - everybody is different, and if a forever committment feels superfluous or unappealing or limiting etc. to you, you are fully entitled to your views ad feelings about the subject, and in fact you are right to not get married if you aren't totally enthusiastic about the idea.

But please also realize how probably what you say may feel to your Gf like... utter, banal bullshit.

" Go with the flow " :). Oh please, after SIX years the flow would have had time to flood all the Nile valley :). Six years and you do't know yet if you can / want spend all your life with this woman ?- then, she is not the one for you. A future together ? OP, you are 29 and she is 31. The future is NOW. You are young, sure, but- do not tell me that , if you basically had the SAME desire, -you'd feel like you are TOO young and you need to wait a few more years before you get serious ! 29 is not 19, and also , from her point of view, at 31 she may feel like she does not have forever to have kids. And... in a way she is right, she still has several fertile years, then again why should she have kids in her late 30s or 40s , with the bigger health risk that entails- because you are too lazy / "flowing" to make a serious committment ?!

On other words... what's in it for her, if she gives you another chance ?... Not much, from her point of view.

So, in your shoes, I'd let her be. In fact, I'd try to be GENEROUS, and I'd let her go even if I suspected I had a chance. Let her have NOW the chance of going after what she wants and needs. There's nothing if you want to be Peter Pan for still a few more years - as long as you don't demand her to be forever your Wendy....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015):

What do you need to say?

Four little words: "Will you marry me?"

If you still can't do that- ask yourself why.

Also, she is right (not in how she addressed it,but in the overall sentiment): you can't waste her time now.

There is no "later" when you're on your 30s (for a woman). If you don't wanna have children now and she does? As in the next 6 months or a year? Are you prepared for that?

Stuff will always get in the way. BUT it does NOT stop us from doing things we want to do.

I find that when there's a will, there's a way.

YOu can have a child in your 40s, she can't. (or well,she can,but it will be a lot more difficult+ might involve costly treatment such as IVF)

I'm like you in the respect that I always just "go with the flow".

That is fine and I do think relationships should evolve naturally, organically if you will.

What is happening here is that she is clearly telling you that your "flow" is too slow for her pace, therefore she in search of a new river...

Also, you might be more romantic and she might be more pragmatic.

Nothing wrong with either, she just needs to be how she is now to ensure her own future happiness.

Again,I repeat is: "Will you marry me" (and then no being "engaged" for years as she might leave you again if you try and pull that one) or let her move on.

6 years is plenty of time to decide if she is the one for you or not.

ps: Also, just for the record, I'm one of those girls that doesn't like to live with a man BEFORE marriage. Not saying she is exactly like me,but consider that you did NOT offer her what she wanted.

You offered what YOU thought was a good alternative,but obviously it was not that appealing to HER...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015):

Nothing, she's 31 and wants a family, you aren't ready, you're no longer compatible, let her go find someone who sees the same future as she does.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2015):

Why don't u marry her? She's right you are wasting her time and her youth. Women are different. They cannot happily live with a guy just playing house only for him to leave her and actually marry another woman.

Words are not enough, marry her or let her be.

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