A
female
age
36-40,
*ellybeans20009
writes:I'm really confused right now. I've been with my boyfriend for just 4 weeks now and we've already been through a dramatic roller coaster ride. This is my first relationship so I don't know what the heck i'm doing and his first since middle school. I blame part of the drama on the fact that we jumped right into, but at that time we were happy to have made the commitment. The first few weeks we were really into each other. He told me he wanted to be there for me, to protect me, that I didn't have to lonely anymore. I didn't buy it. I don't buy into words, but I liked that he was so willing to care and be loving for me. But I knew that words don't promise you love. I think I was scared. I could write a whole novel on it, but the basis of it was that I was scared. I didn't like the idea that up until now I've built myself to survive just on my own and now someone wanted me to lean on them. So I think the third week or so everything that I liked about him before flew out the window and now I saw all of his flaws and it bugged the heck out of me. I think I have major intimacy issues. I had strong urges to break up with him, even though he was everything that I should be wanting.It lead up to a talk which lead to a resolution. I decided then that all that stuff didn't matter and that I would be patient and try to understand all the things about him that make up who he was. And he did the same. It was a great day. I decided to sleep with him because I trusted him a lot. My friends told me it was a mistake moving too fast, but at the time it didn't seem like a big deal because he had earned my trust. A few days later, it didn't seem like a big deal still and it isn't as if I grew an emotional attachment to him. I told him I didn't see it as such a big thing. The only thing I regret is telling him that because it might have hurt him. Now I fear that he sees me in a completely different way that isn't exactly positive. That or he's pulling back. He's stopped being as lovey dovery and caring with me. And he's stopped wanting to contact me as much. From my judgement, I don't think he's a jerk. But I also have no clue if he'll be completely honest with me about his feelings just yet. And all i've done was obsess over this for the past two days. I've asked him about it a couple of times to the point where it annoyed him, but he only said it's made him more comfortable around me if anything.Still, I'm depressed and so unsure of myself right now. I only see two paths in front of me right now. Pull back and resort to relaying on myself or open myself up for heartbreak. Whenever I think of letting someone in it gives me a huge headache. I didn't have the best childhood, as no one does, but but I'm not sure if I want to be hurt again.Everybody upon everybody has already given me the advice of slow it down, take your time. It's only been 4 weeks.But I'm so worried all the time. So scared that this is going to blow up in my face, or that I've already messed it up. Scared enough to get angry at him for not calling me. Angry at him for going too fast and hurting me while we were having sex when he should've been attentive and loving. About letting me walk home after we slept together at around 1 am. But he wouldn't have been able to walk me. I thought he was supposed to care. About stupid little stuff that I could've prevented, about confusing things. I don't know what it is that i'm doing or why I'm getting angry. It feels like i'm exploding and dying. And so, so unsure of myself. I thought a boyfriend was supposed to bring happiness in my life. What is going on?? I've tried to find other things to do, like read a book but it's only given me a bigger headache. I feel sick to my stomach. I want to stop thinking.Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 July 2010):
 The only sensible advice I feel I can give you is the one that you got already- relax for Pete's sake. No matter what happens, this is not life or death. This is a 4 weeks relationship that might go well, or might not go so well- so ? would your life be over if you two part ways ? Oh please. Think about it- how many people end up their life with their first love ? Not many ,right ? So it's not being cynical telling you to consider perhaps this first relationship of yours as a test run, or as a dreass rehearsal - occasions during which you might also screw up badly... and consider your mistakes as a very useful way to learn more about your wants and needs, and your expectations in a relationship. so for the time being, just trey to take it one day at the time and stop obsessing ! Even if it means you have to run miles evcery day to be physically exhausted. It's only 4 weeks- too early for strategies or plans or anything. Think less and let yourself feel more.
I would like to add two things in reference to two points of your post that I found very interesting.
The first is when you say "he is everything I SHOULD be wanting ". But...do you really want it ? Without any SHOULD ? what a girl should want ( nice guy with a good job etc.etc ) and what she really wants often are two very different things and it's the conflict between these different images that generates anger. In a way, I think that you are not as mad at your bf as you are at yourself-because you say yes when your gut feelings would be to say no ( To him, to the situation, to sex, who knows ).
The other thing is " I thought a boyfriend should make you happy ". Big misconception, darling, and big attempt to escape your responsibilities to yourself. Nobody can make you happy- not a lover, not a husband, not a child. Only YOU make yourself happy. If you are not (reasonably ) happy or at least content with yourself and by yourself, no Prince Charming will ever make a bit of difference, trust me !
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