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HELP! My girlfriend says it hurts to have sex

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 October 2010) 8 Answers - (Newest, 20 October 2010)
A male United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi,

Me and my gal have been together just short of a year and have been fairly sexual for the majority of that time as well. We are both around twenty and she was my first, well, everything. girlfriend, kiss, sex, ect ect. Well we have a problem. Sex has been and still is very complicated and messy. Not as romantic and intimate as we both would like. Yes I know that in the beginning that sex is never how you expect at first and im anything but a perfectionist. But it should be getting better by now. Well the first problem is that I last forever. I have gotten better as iv gotten more comfortable with her so that not really a problem. The real problem is that neither of us really enjoy it cus I feel horrible cus she is not enjoying it cus she says it hurts. We are using condoms and lube. The initial penetration hurts her and then it stings from then on, some times it outright feels as if im pinching her. This is strange cus I have tried many different rubbers with many different water based lubes, she is not allergic to anything , and i feel as if im on a slip and slid, aka no feeling, and she still feels as if im going at her with a piece of sand paper. She is a little asian girl with a very tight vagina and im a big white guy with an average penis so im perty sure that size isnt the problem cus i make sure to lube and re-lube often as well as loosen her up before sex. I am not her first either, and she has tested clean for STD's. She never enjoyed sex with her previous partner cus he really was just using her as a someting to stick is dick in rather than be intimate with so he didnt care if it hurt her or felt good and yelled at her if she said it hurt. I am convinced that she mentally prepares herself for sex to be a bad time so therefore her body doesn't relax and does not produce the natural lube in her vagina. If i fingure her or use a pocket rocket she gets wet, but as soon as it come to goin in, she becomes super dry. I try foreplay and messages and going easy and I always pull out if she starts acting uncomfortable. I just have run out of ideas on how to help her. Im at the point were im afraid to even try to have sex with her and she things that she is screwed up and has even asked why I bother with her, that I should go find a normal girl to be with that isnt screwed up. This makes me very sad. She has a very low sex drive to begin with. She has never explored herself and refuses to, so she cant tell me what feels good, and she doesn't have any fantasies I can act out with her cus she doesn't think like that. What should I do, what do you guys/ gals think.

View related questions: condom, foreplay, sex drive, std, vagina

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A female reader, angelgal077 United States +, writes (20 October 2010):

You should let her know that going to the doctor doesn't mean your having sex. It's expected of girls to start having an yearly exam once their 18 weather or not she's sexually active. Because of that no one will suspect her so she can still see her family doctor without it looking suspious. It's called the well women exam, or pap test. She can ask her mother about it too and get some preperation without her mother finding out about her being sexually active.

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A female reader, marymomnwife United States +, writes (20 October 2010):

it sounds like she needs to see an obgyn. alot more than stds can hurt a woman or make it to where she cant make natural lubrication. she needs 2make sure she tells the doc everything. sex can b awesome 4 her. just have her go 2 a doc

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010):

She is afraid someone will see her go into the University Health Center? The health center is there as a medical resource for all students; no one in there is going to automatically assume she is there for some sexual problem. It sounds like she is making an excuse to not go; she is illogically afraid of everything. Planned Parenthood could probably help, but if she thinks there's some kind of stigma attached to going into a health clinic designed for inexpensive medical care for students, she's certainly not going to like going into Planned Parenthood.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well I talked to her last night and even offered to try to figure out what makes her feel good with no strings attached and she let me. It turns out that everything is bothering her. I used the messager to get her wet and then used a ton of lube and one finger, and bam...the second I touched her vagina she was in pain, like i was scratching her with my finger nail or like there was a cut there. I respectfully stopped. I took a look at her vagina and it was just the normal color, with no swelling and no bumbs and no cuts. Im so confused. She says it hurts right on the top of teh opening, but as far as I can see there is no irritation. I told her that she has to go talk to a doctor, or its not going to get better. She is very nervous talking to a doctor because her primary is also her mothers colleague and her mothers doctor. I assured her that since the day she turned 18 it became illegal for her doc to talk to her mom but she still is afraid, I said that our University health center is free and always has a doc from the local hospital on call there and she could go there for a checkup, but she doesn't want that cus she is afraid that since it is on campus someone will c her go in. There is a planed parenthood about 5 minutes away tho, could they help? She seems for comfortable with going there. I said that her second choice was to ignore this, but never have sex cus it is just going to hurt cus this doesn't seem to be something that will go away on its own. She says that maybe she just not meant o have sex, and I told her that everyone can have sex and its not normal for sex to hurt, its not supposed to hurt, its supposed to feel really good.

I read that her hymen could have scared after her first time therefore causing the pain, could this be the cause?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010):

It sounds like you pulled out all the stops to make things better for her. Since she came up clean for STDs, did the doctor also check for yeast infections and bacterial vaginitis, etc.? Sometimes these minor, non-sexually transmitted infections can cause vaginal pain during intercourse.

I think you are right, though, about her mentally preparing herself for sex to be a bad time. She needs to relax and prepare herself to enjoy it; her bad experiences seem to be getting in her way. Talk to her; tell her you want to make things better for her, but that she has to help. Tell her that you're willing to invest the time and effort into her. Having a good heart-to-heart and putting her at ease will surely help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010):

I have the same problem as her. Its definitely a mental block at this point due to her previous boyfriend. Sex has definitely been equated to emotional trauma for her. For a woman to feel pleasure, her mind MUST work with her body. She needs to be thinking of how good it feels and thats all! But it is so hard to do so if its percieved as pain. Perhaps it is the size, perhaps it is purely physical. But my past sexual partner was so mean to me, there was no love, and he used me as a sex toy. I never felt anyyy pleasure with him. Now I am with a long term boyfriend and I am getting better at removing the emotional block. I think to myself "this feels good, I love this man, etc" also there has to be a fair level of relaxation. Tell her you are focusing on making it feel better for her (I'm sure you already have :D) and that she should tell you what to do or what exactly is hurting. Perhaps you are hitting her cervix (it hurts!) or not enough lube. She definitely needs to explore her body. Leave it up to her. Don't ask her for details or ask what she thought of because then it will make it stressful for her. Just gently urge her that if she wants to see how sex can be better, then she should find out what it is that she likes. Clitoral stimulation is far better than vaginal stimulation and is almost necessary for orgasm. So she should focus on trying to discover what is necessary for her to feel pleasure. If she still refuses, then she refuses and pressuring her into doing that will only further the damage (inadvertantly of course). It sounds like you are an amazing man for being so kind and patient to her and she is in good hands. You are respectful and sensitive and I'm sure you love her and will be able to wait until she is ready. :D I wish the best of luck to the both of you!!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010):

She probably has a medical reason for it hurting so much. I have a friend who has a similar problem because she is so narrow. I sugest you send her to the doctor first and see if their is anything you can do to make it less painful. But if that's not it I'm not entierly sure what you can do because she doesn't seem very open. I sugest since she won't expore herself you should do it for her. Don't actually have sex, just use your fingers and your toung. That way her body will begin to get use to it and respond. Start with just your finger going in since it's smaller. If it hurts it's because she's not wet enough, use lots and lots of lube. Other than that I don't really know. I hope this helps you some :)

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A female reader, Indie23 Australia +, writes (20 October 2010):

Indie23 agony auntWell, I think you're right about her building up the sex in her head. She's probably making herself so anxious she's not able to loosen up and enjoy sex. It definitely has something to do with her ex using her like that and I think you're a really good guy for trying so hard to make her comfortable.

Unfortunately, I really don't think this is your problem to solve. Your girlfriend sounds like she has a lot of issues with intimacy and she should probably talk to her doctor about getting some counseling for this.

One way you can help her is to reassure her that this isn't her fault and you're not going to leave her because of it. Beyond that, it's up to her to start trusting herself to enjoy sex.

Indie.

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