A
female
age
30-35,
*shlenicola
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years. Lately he has been acting weird and always on Snapchat and never responds to my text but responds to me on Snapchat. One day he left his Snapchat logged in on my iPad and I became curious. I looked at the Snapchat app and there was a girl saying she love home and he said it back and then she said a lot Of sexual stuff she miss about him including her calling him daddy and he called her babe. He was secretly in a relationship with her for about half a year and having sex with both of us . I want to forgive him but it's so hard because I am heart broken that he would do that. He doesn't want me to leave him. I'm confused on what I should do? Should I contact the girl or just forgive and forget
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 January 2017):
 Are you sure you want to STAY with this guy?
This wasn't some minor "mistake" or "transgression" - this was PLANNED and PREMEDITATED cheating, leading TWO girls on at the same time... and now he has the BALLS to tell you:"He doesn't want me to leave him." THAT is not up to him, THAT is up to you and YOUR conscience and feelings.
Those is not the actions of a GOOD guy and certainly not the actions of a GOOD partner.
The ONLY reason he says he is "sorry" is NOT because he did this to TWO girls, but because he got caught. HAD you not seen that snap chat HE would have continued to "date" you both, have sex with you both and LIE to you both.
And when someone DOES this (cheat long term, and yes I'd deem 6 months as a LONG term affair, as it WOULD have continued had he not been caught) THEY will most likely do it again.
HE had NO problem LYING to you and to her - sleeping with you both, so my best guess is HE can EASILY do this TO YOU again.
I dated a guy who was MUCH like this. Except my EX (I dumped him over this because I don't need that kind of disrespect and drama in my life) well, he "dated" SEVERAL women. Some were just F-buddies, some were FWB's (exes he convinced he wanted back so they would sleep with him). Guess how I found out that he was cheating? His FWB-EX showed up at the door pregnant. I won't tell you the whole stupid story, but it took me YEARS to both forgive myself and him - and that was AFTER dumping him. And you know WHY I was able to forgive?
Because DUMPING HIM made the path clear for me to meet my now husband (of 19 years) and have my 3 amazing kids. I wouldn't have gotten that promotion that lead me that way IF I had not broken up with this twat-waffle.
I think forgiveness is great. I think it shows empathy and humanity. But what is he "giving" you in return for that? Doubt, fear, insecurities, lack of trust and respect. THAT is what he is giving you. Not a fair trade, is it?
You two aren't married and don't have kids or property together, there are no LEGAL or even MORAL reason you have to stay with him.
You can CARE DEEPLY for someone (even someone who HURT you that bad) and you CAN forgive them, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to stay in a relationship with them.
And speaking from experience, staying with him will NOT prevent him from doing this again.
And GO get tested for STI's/STD's.
I think YOU, dear OP can do SO much better than staying with a guy who thinks it's OK to treat his GF this way. But of course the choice is yours.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (6 January 2017):
 What's to say he won't do it again?
Surely there's someone out there for you that won't put you through this pain? Don't forgive him just because you don't want to be lonely. Cheating is the biggest disrespect in a relationship.
Think long and hard whether you can get over this and believe it won't happen again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2017): I know it's hard. If you leave, you are handing him over to the other woman. He wins no matter what while you are left broken and devastated. But... does he really win?You don't need a man like this in your life. He will only bring you down further if you stay. If you don't leave him, he will just continue to cheat. He will see that you will put up with it. That you are his door mat. He has nothing to lose.If it was me, I would tell the other woman I know and I would make her life miserable as well as his. But that's just me. Then I would find myself a really hot guy and move on. And rub his sorry nose in it. I will bet you that the other girl can't hold a candle to you. She's just a little fun, an extra ego boost. Once he loses you, the one he's been with a long time and has shared more history with, I guarantee you he will come crawling back on his hands and knees. But you won't be there. You will have found a real man to be with. Men fuck up all too often and realize once it's too late what they really had in a woman who loved them.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (5 January 2017):
 What you should do very first is get tested for STD's. Number one priority is to insure your own safety. The second thing you should do is stop having sex with him until he is tested.
So you want to forgive him. That is very generous of you. But very rightfully you are wondering if you can. I can not advise you here. Most people can not forgive sexual infidelity. You need to examine your own feelings about this. Here are some important things to think about.
Do you trust him, or are you in fear that he will continue the affair, or start a new one? It is difficult to live in fear.
Has his infidelity lowered your attraction to him? This is very common.
What do you see in your mind when you are close to him or intimate with him? Do you see him and the Other woman? This is also very common and very hard to live with.
You also asked about contacting the other woman. There is a lot of controversy about this on one hand you do not want to get into a competition with her for his attention, the "pick me" dance. On the other hand he is doing to her exactly what he is doing to you. Cheating, and leading a double life. She deserves to know what he is for her own protection. The trick is to make the contact with her in the most helpful way. One author suggest something like this.
"I am writing to you because I am concerned about Fred. Fred has been engaging in a double life having sex with multiple partners and other risky behavior. I have been a part of Fred's life for the past x years. We were sexually active up until X date. Please encourage Fred to be a better and safer person by being honest with all of his partners."
That gives the other woman the necessary information to make her own decision. It doesn't accuse her and maintains your good will to your wayward boyfriend. Part of the Theory behind this approach is that affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness. When you bring them out into the light, the fog burns off, and the affair dies. People in affairs will do anything to prevent exposure. They fear it over anything. Do not give him the chance to block or prevent your exposure. Expose to the other women and to his Family , Friends, or anyone who can help you. Do it all on the same day but send the emails separately, so the software doesn't block them.
To recap my advice is to protect yourself medically (1)
Think about the important factors in Reconciliation (2) and Be careful about how you contact the other woman and only contact her with the intention to expose the affair.
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