A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, Thank you for choosing my post and taking the time to respond.I ended it with a guy I had been with for two years, after he was abusive and disloyal.Simple question - how do I get over it quickly? I hate heartache so much and he doesn't deserve for me to be hurting over him and what he did to me. I left him, and yet, I seem to be the one most broken and the thought of him with someone else makes me want to rip my own insides out. I don't miss him for who he is, but I do miss the companionship, and having someone to cuddle me when I wake up etc...I don't want to go near another human being for a long while so 'getting under' someone else is not really the advise I am after, but anything else, I am all ears.With Christmas coming up too, it is just a really tough time. All of my friends live over 300 miles away and I am just so alone. Thank you for your help x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2018): You're welcome
Best of luck x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2018): I AM OP
Thank you to you all for your comments and answers.
There is a lot of really kind, honest and useful advice here.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me and every single message has helped somewhat.
Wishing you all the very best.
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2018): You got some really good advice and explanations here.
With Christmas around the corner... I would give to others. Connect to other people. I would volunteer (soup kitchens, orphanages, animal refuge...). Giving feels great. It changes your perspective. When you can give you're no longer a victim and you will meat some good-hearted, generous people too. Also, it will occupy your time.
Another thing, emotions tell you a lot about your thoughts. You feel this way because you keep thinking about him (good or bad). And while this process will take time there is a way for you to make it easier and maybe, just maybe speed it up a bit.
You can't control the thoughts that come in to your head, but you can certainly chose how much attention you want to give them. Let's say a thought pops up into your head of how wonderful it was when you snuggled with him in the morning. Instead of feeding that thought, going into more details, remembering the smell, how good it felt... just acknowledge that it is there (not your fault) and try to think about something else. Something that feels good. If you have:had a pet you adore, just thinking about him can shift the energy. Or you can remember the smell of your grandma's cookies... anything that makes you feel good.
It's hard. At the beginning you'll think that you're failing miserably, but it's not true. The key is in the process. The moment you realize that your're thinking about him (or something connected to him) you're observing yourself and you have a choice. If you're on an auto-pilot and letting your thoughts control you, you'll have no say about your feelings.
I know its sounds counter-intuitive but (some) people get addicted to negative thinking. And thoughts provoke and feed emotions. So if you feel bad it's because your thoughts are negative. It's healthy to feel all the emotions (sadness, pain, anger...). But it is also good to try and make yourself think and feel better.
Many have written on the subject of mindfulness, meditation...
Also, try to change the way you think and thought. And again it's a process, the effort itself (not only the result) makes the whole difference
Instead of:
"I hate heartache so much and he doesn't deserve for me to be hurting over him and what he did to me."
say:
I love to feel good and deserve to feel good and I chose to surround myself with people who make me feel good"
(or something like that)
First of all this moves "him" out of the equation. Secondly you get to use positive language, because you react to the kind of language you use. People who constantly bash other people usually have pretty negative experiences too. When you think of it everything gets on their nerves and they are creating their own hell.
Take care of yourself. Do things that make you happy. Learn something new. Strengthen your skills. Focus on yourself and your well-being.
Go to a yoga (or spinning) class, meditation, movies... whatever works for you.
I've been there, so I speak from experience.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2018): You got some really good advice and explanations here.
With Christmas around the corner... I would give to others. Connect to other people. I would volunteer (soup kitchens, orphanages, animal refuge...). Giving feels great. It changes your perspective. When you can give you're no longer a victim and you will meat some good-hearted, generous people too. Also, it will occupy your time.
Another thing, emotions tell you a lot about your thoughts. You feel this way because you keep thinking about him (good or bad). And while this process will take time there is a way for you to make it easier and maybe, just maybe speed it up a bit.
You can't control the thoughts that come in to your head, but you can certainly chose how much attention you want to give them. Let's say a thought pops up into your head of how wonderful it was when you snuggled with him in the morning. Instead of feeding that thought, going into more details, remembering the smell, how good it felt... just acknowledge that it is there (not your fault) and try to think about something else. Something that feels good. If you have:had a pet you adore, just thinking about him can shift the energy. Or you can remember the smell of your grandma's cookies... anything that makes you feel good.
It's hard. At the beginning you'll think that you're failing miserably, but it's not true. The key is in the process. The moment you realize that your're thinking about him (or something connected to him) you're observing yourself and you have a choice. If you're on an auto-pilot and letting your thoughts control you, you'll have no say about your feelings.
I know its sounds counter-intuitive but (some) people get addicted to negative thinking. And thoughts provoke and feed emotions. So if you feel bad it's because your thoughts are negative. It's healthy to feel all the emotions (sadness, pain, anger...). But it is also good to try and make yourself think and feel better.
Many have written on the subject of mindfulness, meditation...
Also, try to change the way you think and thought. And again it's a process, the effort itself (not only the result) makes the whole difference
Instead of:
"I hate heartache so much and he doesn't deserve for me to be hurting over him and what he did to me."
say:
I love to feel good and deserve to feel good and I chose to surround myself with people who make me feel good"
(or something like that)
First of all this moves "him" out of the equation. Secondly you get to use positive language, because you react to the kind of language you use. People who constantly bash other people usually have pretty negative experiences too. When you think of it everything gets on their nerves and they are creating their own hell.
Take care of yourself. Do things that make you happy. Learn something new. Strengthen your skills. Focus on yourself and your well-being.
Go to a yoga (or spinning) class, meditation, movies... whatever works for you.
I've been there, so I speak from experience.
Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2018): I recently ended things with my long time girlfriend and have been feeling the same way. Something that I have found helpful is signing up for fitness classes. I’m taking rock climbing and curling (things I’ve never tried before). Ive paid for it and I’ll miss stuff if I don’t show up so it’s good motivation to get out of the house. And after a few classes I’ve gotten to know the instructor and other students a little which is nice. Plus I feel more fit.
Another thing I’ve found helpful is skimming through other posts on the site. Somehow, being reminded that I’m not alone with my heart ache is helpful.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (28 November 2018):
 You are effectively in mourning. Not for him - you KNOW you are well rid - but for the person you thought he was initially and the person you wished him to be later on. You are also mourning the loss of the future you thought you had together and of the dreams you had. So a big pat on the back for being strong enough to walk away.
Be kind to yourself because it is a lot to get over. I wish I had words to make you feel better but, sadly, I have never yet found anything which truly helps. Everyone must go through any sort of loss (including this) in their own way and at their own pace. Everybody hates to feel that way but very few don't eventually get out the other end a stronger (and even better) person.
Can you not go and visit your friends over the holiday period? Or maybe one or more of them could come down and visit you?
Personally I have never felt lonely when alone, but then I do enjoy my own space. Once you learn to do that, it will be quite addictive and it will take a very special person to be allowed to invade your space for any length of time.
One of the most joyous holiday periods I had was when I volunteered to help feed the homeless in my local city. It was just a few hours' work but the joyous atmosphere and the friendly faces made that day very special and made me appreciate what I had. Just a suggestion.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 November 2018):
 I'm with Code Warrior.
You know he was a bad apple, you know you deserve better that is why you dumped him.
You can't hurry the process of moving on. Would be nice if we could.
My guess is some of that anger is towards yourself. YOU after all CHOSE to date this man. YOU got in the situation were abuse happened. And maybe you don't like the idea that he WILL move on and you might not (at least not any time soon).
BUT THAT is NOT your fault.
As for him moving on with someone else. Well, you can stop that either. However, if you LET HIM hold you back from meeting a MUCH better guy... THAT is on you.
YOU did the right thing and walked away from this guy.
Remember that!
And LEARN from this. You might find when you look over the relationship that there were red flags you kind of ignored. Recognize then so you don't end up in a shitty relationship again.
As for Christmas being lonely, THAT is up to you. Maybe volunteer for the holiday. Lord knows, volunteers are needed. And you will be so busy HELPING others you might "forget" your sadness and maybe even realize that HE isn't WORTH a single tear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2018): I was actually going through it when I wrote this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-through-the-holidays-after-a.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2018): You have to deal with a bit of heartache and discomfort; because it's part of life, and being an adult.
Getting-over something or someone too quickly might be an indication of callousness or indifference. It could also mean an inability to understand or comprehend complex situations that challenge us mentally and psychologically. Lacking natural humane responses to certain emotional-experiences. There's no life without some suffering. It comes with the package.
Grief and a feeling of loss are healthy natural emotional-responses to a breakup. Sometimes you're over it before you know it; if you're not given to self-pity or drama.
I know it's the typical millennial aspiration to do everything in an instant; and the ultimate objective to avoid having to cop with unpleasantness. Sometimes you've got to just push yourself through the tough-times. It makes you stronger, you develop better coping and survival skills; and the pain you feel shows you have depth, empathy, and gentility. You're human!
You miss coddling and clinging. When you were a child, you had to be denied "babying" and "over-pampering." So you can develop your independence and self-awareness. To toughen you to some degree. It's absolutely necessary so you can get through lonely times; and when you must be temporarily isolated. So you can still function without collapsing into an emotional-heap, or loosing your mind.
I know the feeling. It's tough, it's how I ended-up here. Why I wrote articles about my feelings, as I progressed.
It hurts, it's miserable, and it gets lonely. You should get some light counseling to get you over the hump. Call home, and call your friends. Chat with the closest of your family members. They all care about you; and will give you an energy-boost and charge your batteries.
Write here and tell us about your feelings. Write an article and express yourself. It can be very therapeutic. Pickup a hobby to stimulate your artistic or creative energies. Get outside and exercise, regardless of the weather. Don't just mope about. He's not worth that much power over your feelings. Take "you" back. He got all he's going to get!!!
Baby-Girl, you've got this!
Rough it out when you can; but call home and contact your family support-group. They're only a call away; even if they can't be there in-person. Do some volunteer work for the holidays.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 November 2018):
 Ok so he was disloyal and he was also abusive so the main thing here is that you finally got out off this toxic relationship. That was a huge step for you to make and you should be proud off yourself for making that decision.
Getting over a relationship quickly is what we all want after a break up but it is not realistic and it always comes back twice as difficult. So I'm afraid there is no quick fix here. You are getting over a relationship and healthy or not you need to grieve for the loss off that relationship and yes that is difficult. Nobody likes heartache and you are probably right he does not deserve you to be hurting over him, but you need to take control off your own life and do it for you. Not for him or anybody else, but get yourself better for you.
Two years is a long time and you need to adjust to life without him now, it will get easier but you need to accept that things are different now and yes they might be hard for a while but it will get easier, you will think off him less and you will find yourself becoming much happier in the long run. You don't know how he is truly feeling and it doesn't matter if he is heartbroken or not, you need to concentrate on yourself now and stop worrying about how he is taking the break up, it will be off no benefit to you. As for imagining him with someone else, just don't! You still have feelings and that is normal so don't torture yourself. Missing being in a relationship is completely normal. But you will soon appreciate being single and learn that you can be happy on your own.
You are not ready to be with anyone else yet so don't force yourself. You need time alone to heal and get over this relationship. You need to grieve so if you need to cry then cry. But you also need to keep yourself busy and distracted. So pick up new hobbies, do activites you enjoy. Keep yourself active and busy and your mind will not have so much free time.
Christmas is always a tough time off year to be single, but you can still enjoy it with family. Why have you no friends that live nearer to you? You should get out and mix with new people and make new friends. Or if it is possible take a trip and visit your friends, they might just be the therapy you need at the moment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2018): It is a bereavement process, even though he treated you bad you are bound to miss certain aspects.
The fact you left him is firstly a positive YOU ARE IN CONTROL and the fact you know it wasn't right stands you in good stead to move on.
Keep yourself busy, make plans, invite people over, do hobbies, join local groups and try and plan things that will make you smile.
You will move on, it will take time, how long varies but what's important here is that you get yourself back in a strong place and remember he is no loss and you know it really!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 November 2018):
 You can get over him if you tell yourself that leaving him was the best thing that you could have done. That this was and is the best gift you've given yourself, that you deserve so much better and that it's better to alone than be someone who isn't worth being with. Alone doesn't have to be lonely! Who said so? Being alone is so peaceful! You can do what you like, you're not answerable to anyone, you have a drama-free life...!
And why does Christmas have to be lonely? You can choose to do whatever you want! A great movie, order in food, put up fairy lights, read a good book, talk to people that you love..
As for him being with someone else, I say you should thank you stars that you're free and also that he's not hounding you! Can you imagine what that would've been like? Being bombarded with phone calls and messages, not allowing you to move on, constantly harrassing you? Thank God he's found someone else!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 November 2018):
 Honestly? They’re feelings, so you can’t speed it up. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true. Get busy. Find a new hobby or two. Join a club. Go travelling (doesn’t have to be abroad). Start learning knew things. Read new books. Just learn to live again. Feelings sadly don’t just disappear, even when we’re treated badly.
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