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Heart says carry on, head says we are now toxic! Advice needed!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 September 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 20 September 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi. So my 8 year relationship seems to be at its end and I've been given an ultimatum. We split up or we stay together and try to make it work.

Some background, we are a young couple, we have been together from a young age and have been through a lot together. I'd say within the last two years we have been slowly drifting apart to the point where I we can happily sit apart for hours without talking doing our own things.

We have had heated arguments where he has threatened to leave and says that he doesn't love me and a lot of hurtful things are said but we always make up, have the usual make up sex and it's all forgotten again. (Well I don't forget the things he says to me)

This weekend it happened again, we argued, spent a night ignoring each other but then we made up again. We keep going round in circles.

He quit his job a few months ago due to stress so he's always at home. He has no income and is now doing a university course . He does everything for me and will always do me favours and I can tell he thinks the world of me . I have a salary which supports us both , but my heart feels cold because I feel like I have to try really hard with him. I can't love him. I care about him immensely but I'm not in love.. I don't feel excitement or lust anymore. We never kiss, cuddle or have sex. And I feel like such an awful person for feeling this way.

My heart broke yesterday when he tried to beg me to make up my mind whether I wanted the relationship. On one hand , I care deeply for him and it would kill me to break his heart just seeing him sad would kill me. I would stay with him just to make him happy , even if I wasn't happy. But on the other hand I want to move on, so much has been said and damage done. I want to feel happiness and excitement again.

I'm finding it so hard to make a decision. My heart wants me to carry on in the relationship but my head is telling me that we are now toxic and things will just get worse. What would you do in my shoes, work at it? Or cut it off? He has s place to go if we split though he will be alone with no income and it will absolutely break his heart.

View related questions: move on, split up, university

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (20 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to put yourself first. I understand he loves you, but if he is stressed it might be because you both are just not getting on. Living like this is not healthy for either off you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2017):

Sounds like he's financially-dependent on you, and you're emotionally-dependent. Do you declare him as a dependent on your income-taxes?

Young lady, let me give you a bit of my wisdom. Nothing your mother and father hasn't told you; but here's a refresher course.

Some relationships just linger out of force of habit. The fear of loneliness. The avoidance of having to go through the dating-process; which requires starting-over. The scary foreboding of the "post-breakup dreads" makes people cling to each other. Until they absolutely hate each other. Then they use that hate as a catalyst to part.

Don't worry about him. He's a grown-man. Not a baby! Worried he'll get-over over you, or find somebody else? That process goes two-ways, sweetie! So will you!

That toxicity and built-up hostility causes emotional-damage or trauma that isn't easy to recover from. It initiates feuding. You should leave each other with your mental-faculties and self-control still intact. The side-effect from holding-on changes into bitterness; that you'll drag along with you from one relationship to the next. You won't shake it, and your flashbacks will make you attack potential partners down the road; because you allowed it to become ingrained. It becomes a sensitivity or thorn in your flesh.

This is as a result of not pulling-out of a stagnant or dead-relationship that soured so badly, it changes you as a person. Filling you with cynicism, meanness, and distrust.

I will not remain with someone who has told me he doesn't love me; and then turn around and pay his bills. I will not remain with someone who can't have a disagreement without resorting to insults, name-calling, and verbal-abuse. Nor can I commit to a person I can sit and ignore for hours on-end. Let alone someone who doesn't pay his share of the bills.

Actually, that's not a relationship. It's codependency out of fear of detachment from someone to lean-up against. Even if it totally sucks. Emotionally holding each other hostage, is what it amounts to.

The relationship has passed its expiration-date; and all you do is use each-other for a dartboard or whipping-post. Looking at each other sideways, with disdain and contempt. Just the thought of his face makes you roll your eyes!

Untangle him from your finances, and send him home to live with his parents. Afterwards, take some time-off to relearn your independence. Regain your own identity. Recover from the detachment-process that follows a breakup.

It will hurt like hell, and the withdrawal is excruciating. It will not kill you. You'll come out of it stronger. Only weaklings and saps fall apart. They give-up too easily.

Life requires you to have balls and resilience. Breakups are part of life and growth. You have to be strong enough to survive alone and to supplement the strength of another strong person. I don't couple with with weaklings. I'm strong, and my boyfriend is strong. One will take care of the other, when that strength gives-out.

You have to wean yourself from "habitual-coupleship."

He's becoming more like your annoying lazy teenage-son, than a boyfriend!

I wish you the best with your final decision. Time to move-on, girlfriend!

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy +, writes (20 September 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou've invested 8 long years so I think you should give the relationship one last chance. It's very easy to let go but don't do it without a fight.

Why have you drifted apart in the last two years? It's quite acceptable to actually sit in silence while being in the same room and doing your own thing so that shouldn't be a marker of things going downhill. In fact, every single person needs time for themselves to do their own thing and have some quiet time for themselves. Just because someone is in a relationship doesn't mean they have to be joined at the hip every moment so don't take the silence as a bad thing. It's only negative if it's passive aggressive.

Now coming to the point where you say hurtful things. What purpose does that serve really? Other than driving you apart and creating bitterness, how does being hurtful help? And if you know that you're being mean and negative, then why do you still argue mindlessly? When you see him going down that familiar path of a needless argument, just tell him calmly, "John, I'm sorry but I don't wish to be a part of this conversation. Talk to me rationally and respectfully and I'll respond but I don't want to be a part of this ugliness". See how he reacts. Does he listen to you or does he still do as he wishes?

I think a large part of the problem is that he's always home and hence obviously frustrated. This will *not* get better till he starts working. It will cause a financial strain on you ( as it already is), he will continue being crabby and your relationship will eventually deteriorate to the point of no return. Ask him to start applying for jobs immediately and he can study simultaneously.

At the end of it all, all I'll say is that you don't have to stay to make him happy. The relationship should make both of you happy, not just one person. You'll eventually detest him to the point of hatred if you continue like this.

So yes, in conclusion, give it one last shot and if you can salvage it then great. Otherwise, you've done enough and you should just walk out. You owe him nothing. Don't feel bad or guilty in any way. You did all that you could but if something is broken beyond repair then it's pointless to keep going on

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (20 September 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou cannot stay with him just because it will hurt you both to part. You have admitted you do not feel love for him any longer. He is not happy either so, by staying, you are actually making TWO people unhappy. You cannot waste your life in this way. Look ahead 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. Do you want to be in exactly the same position?

Practicalities first. He needs to sort out some form of income so that he can support himself when you part. No way should you carry on supporting him after the break-up. Does he have family or friends who can help him afterwards or, at least, keep in touch to give him emotional support?

You two got together very early in your lives and it is to be commended that your relationship lasted as long as it did. However, it is now not making either of you truly happy so you both need to move on.

Be kind but be firm. Cut all contact for at least a while so that you can both get over your loss. Of course it will hurt. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. However, it will also probably feel like a relief because you have been working so hard to keep this relationship going. Give yourself time to morn your loss, then shake yourself down and move on with your life.

You know you deserve to be happy. Go and find that happiness.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntUnfortunately, you two started young. Which means you both grew up but probably at a different rate.

You are both being stubborn and staying together even though there isn't much left to hold you together. My guess's partly out of habit, familiarity and NOT wanting to be the "bad guy" who dumps someone after... so long together.

Relationships/marriages have their ups and downs, it's normal. BUT they require that the people in them WORK in it to make them work. You two no longer put in the work. You are just there in each other's space. That is why you keep going around in circles and nothing changes.

You write: " I would stay with him just to make him happy, even if I wasn't happy."

But here is the point HE isn't happy either and he won't be if you stay. It will be a long drawn out thing where ONE of you suddenly realize this really is NOT working anymore, what ARE we doing to each other and ourselves. sure he won't be "happy" if you end it either. At least not for a while.

He is asking YOU to be the one to make the choice, goes or stays. Simply because HE doesn't want the "responsibility" of breaking up with you. It CLEARLY shows he isn't happy. he is hoping YOU will have the "brass balls" to say OK enough, we are done.

It won't kill you to accept that things aren't getting better and that ending it is the right thing for both of you. WHY flog a dead horse?

I think you are both in denial. The relationship hasn't worked in a very long time but neither of you wants to pretend that it does. Because it feels "easier" to stay than having to start all over.

Be honest. With yourself and with him.

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