A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi please advise. My boyfriend is trying to have a healthier lifestyle because he is about 20 pounds overweight so he's trying to eat right, etc. I myself (in my opinion) should probably be around 125 but I' almost 140, so I'm at the upper end of the healthy range. The problem that I'm having is that in my boyfriend's efforts to change his lifestyle he has kind of a negative way of trying to get me on board-not that I don't agree that being healthy is important but I'll admit that I do a lot of EMOTIONAL eating, whenever I have a bad day, here come the potato chips. But we had a fight yesterday when I was eating chips in the car because he said he's trying to change his lifestyle and I'm not making it easier on either of us to be healthier, and I told him that I should be able to eat what I want without fighting (although I agree with him inwardly, I feel the need to push back). So how should I approach this situation? Neither of us are horribly overweight (chubby, maybe) and healthy lifestyle and healthy eating are good, but I don't want to just concede to his wishes because that seems like being bossed around, and he shouldn't get mad at me but I know he's trying to keep himself away from the chips and sweets but I'm not making it easier. How do I make myself happy and healthy-and help him to meet his lifestyle goals at the same time? And if he wants to talk to about healthy lifestyle, how can I suggest he approach the conversation without freaking out? Thank you
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 July 2016):
 I really can see both sides here, when I was trying to lose weight my fiance would always be eating crap in front off me and asking me did I want some, and then so oh sorry I forgot. It is very frustrating and it is hard to cut out junk food, back then all I wanted to do was join him, so I would give out to him for eating it in front of me, then I would feel bad, I can see why you eating junk in front of your fella would make him feel that it is making it harder for him.
I also learned that if I wanted to lose weight I had to do it on my own, or else with the help of a support group, the thing is it is not my choice what my fiance eats, and just like you he should be able to eat whatever he wants, and well he does.
The best advice I could give to you while he is starting out is try and avoid eating junk around him, try and be more supportive.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (26 July 2016):
As always, Ill be blunt.
If you dont bother also getting into shape while he does, I can almost guarantee you that the problem will self-mitigate.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 July 2016):
 I'm in his situation and yours put together. I emotionally ate and developed an eating disorder because of it, now I'm 5 - 6 stones overweight and that was my childhood/adolescence, so I don't know any different. I tried to change my diet so many times, but I live at home with my family and they buy chocolate mousse pots, ice creams, cookies, massive multi-pack bags of crisps, lollies, etc. They also eat huge 2 - 3 people portions at dinner and I've grown up with that.The reason I'm giving you a little insight into my situation is because my family are holding me back, just like you're holding him back. It's easy to say "don't let them", but people are much more likely to lose weight and/or live a healthier lifestyle in general if their environment is supportive. You eating junk food in front of him is the opposite - tormenting, almost.I've struggled for years and my weight has fluctuated - not once have I lost more than 1 stone without gaining it back. Your boyfriend will struggle for a long time if his life is shoving unhealthy food in his face. It's better that he can lose the weight now, before he gets larger and it becomes harder.Food addiction or unhealthy eating habits, like your own, are ridiculously difficult to beat or recover from because you have to face food daily. Please don't make this harder for him.If you don't want to eat healthier, that's okay, tell him that, but don't eat crappy food in front of him. Also, I'd suggest getting therapy for your eating problems; it's hard to beat alone and will only get worse, if you leave it.Keep conversations with him about food and exercise calm. Don't get defensive; accept the responsibility you have here and try to be more aware of his challenges.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 July 2016):
 I think this has less to do with "eating healthy" and more to do with YOU not liking being told what to do, and him not grasping that you ARE content with your current weight.
If you have ever met someone who quit smoking you might understand his mind-set better. People who have successfully quit smoking are often ALL about "helping" others to quit too, whether the others want it or not.
Your BF is making a smart choice to lose weight now rather than wait till he is 50 or 100 lbs overweight, and it will be a struggle. However, I think you need to tell him that YOU are OK with your own weight and when/if YOU want to lose weight you will do it YOUR way.
You emotionally overeat, which IS a BAD habit and one that you should consider working on. Not because your BF wants you both to be healthy, but because IT IS NOT a healthy habit and it can easily get out of control. You may think the 140 lbs with a little chub is no big deal, WAIT till you have had kids or... hit 30. After that? VERY VERY hard to lose the extra poundage.
Eating sweets and chips in front of him is, well... rude. Specially when you KNOW he is REALLY trying. To me it seems like defiance. *you can't MAKE me*. Have some respect for his struggle. Imagine you get told tomorrow that you can NEVER EVER eat ice cream again, and your BF makes a point of eating ice cream in front of you, kinda rude -right?
If you don't want to go on a "let's eat right crusade" with him, then TELL him, but at the same time RESPECT the fact that it IS a struggle for him and by NOT eating JUNK FOOD in front of him you can support him without having to do what he is doing.
And that is what a GOOD partner does. They SUPPORT their partner. Which means HE needs to respect that you will do YOUR thing in your time, he will do his. But you will do your best to not make it much harder on him, he should in turn not harp on you for YOUR choices.
I know the struggle with losing weight. After baby #3 I had WAY more weight on me than I liked and more than what's healthy. So I changed my diet, I exercised more and I avoided junk-food. Thankfully my husband ( who didn't need to lose weight) supported me. He packed up all the junk food in the house and put it in the common-room at his work and in his drawers at work to snack on. He would take the kids to the park or pool while I would go to the gym. WE supported each other. I to this day don't eat certain things, but I have learned that we CAN have it in the house and I won't eat it, he will or the kids will. But that would have been VERY hard back when I was first starting out losing weight.
So have a conversation with him and PRACTICE mutual respect.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (25 July 2016):
 This is tough.It's unclear from your posting whether your bf has the same relationship with food--does he emotionally eat, or has he just been kinda thoughtlessly eating? Because for you, eating unhealthy foods is tied to trying to relieve anxiety, when he criticizes your eating, it is difficult for you not to take personally because he is attacking your coping mechanisms, without which anyone will feel defenseless--and thus the need to be defensive. That in addition to any body insecurity you may have or perceive to be projected on you makes this a very sensitive subject.
I think we need to think about what your goals are. Do you want to support your bf by losing weight with him and being on the same diet as him? Or do you want to emotionally support the choices he makes, and allow yourself the freedom to eat how you usually want?
If you are planning on trying to lose weight with him, I would try building snacks into the regimen with superhealthy meals, so you aren't giving up the things you are used to. But if snacks are structured as part of the meal plan, it would still require you to give up eating emotionally. You'll have to find other outlets to relieve negative emotions. Exercise will help with that, but you'll likely need more. Consider meditation, reading a book, something to take your mind off the issue before revisiting it if necessary.
If you didn't pledge to do this with him, then it's unreasonable for him to expect you to basically do whatever he's decided for himself. If your goal is to basically be emotionally on board, then I would do my best to not eat junk food in front of him. If you live separately, this shouldn't be too difficult. If you don't, ask him how you should handle this. Putting you in a separate room to eat a snack is a concern to me because I feel like that could be interpreted as a punishment or like a shaming thing and therefore, could have a negative impact, at least on you. Maybe you could try to set a time for this to happen instead, like to mentally prepare him? Like "hey babe, in an hour I'm going to go to the convenience store and pick up Doritos, ok?" This way he can try to put his own kinda...defenses up, or if he doesn't want to be around it, he has the option of doing something else, distracting himself etc.
So getting back to how to approach the topic of food: tell him it's really important that you not be shamed for eating what you eat, because a)that kind of talk doesn't help, it makes it worse and b) you feel judged and micromanaged when you're told how to eat. All those things can make you feel like you're not good enough in his eyes ie. less loved.
I think you would benefit from some positive reinforcement-so if you choose to try to diet/exercise with him and you slip, ask him to focus on the things you've done right, like joining him in this change, or, hey you've been really committed to exercising, what ways can we keep this up?
If you do the emotional support thing, you should be focused on progress he's making, praise him for that. If you slip around him, he should say something about how it's not about YOU, what YOU eat, etc., because he loves you, respects you and your choices, but focus like on how difficult it is for him to see you eat the things he wants to eat.
In either scenario, it'd probably be good to stock up on healthy snacks you know you'll actually eat. Nuts are coming out in a lot of different flavors that mimic potato chip flavors, for example. Or ricecakes. Something involving hummus. I think I need lunch, I'm sorry! Let us know what you think!
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