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Head over heels in love with my teacher!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Forbidden love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 November 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 25 November 2017)
A male Turkey age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hello everyone, I'm a bachelor student. I am sorry for my grammar mistakes. First of all, I want to say that during my school and HS years I've never had this feeling before. Last year, I met one of the best persons and teachers in the world. She is like 15-20 years older than me, she has a family and beatiful daughte. Please dont get wrong, I have no romantic interest about her. I am international student and she was my first teacher in my university life. At first, I didnt have any feelings towards to her, but after months passed I started to see her as my mother, as my family member. She was like bomb to me, she was the main reason that why I came to class, she was my motivation. She was really the best, she was amazing, she was always trying to get us motivated, she was really caring about us. After two semesters passed, the summer break came and I didnt see her for 4 months. Couple days ago I went to see her. I surprised her and she was reallly happy about me visiting her. I didnt want to seperate from her. I really care about her, I geniunely love her. My only purpose is that making her happy. Not at all. Please help me, I cant recover myself, I want to see her constantly, whenever I see her I always get happy and nervous. What should I do? Should I tell her about my feelings? As I ve said before, please help me.

View related questions: my teacher, university

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2017):

Dear @Andie’s Thoughts, I know it is an obsession and unfortunately I can’t handle this problem myself, that’s why today I planned an appointment with campus psychologist. I know she’s not my mother but she is like my mother, not only for me but also she cared all of us. She is more than a teacher.

I have a great releationship with my actual mother, but the thing is I’m too far away from her because of my education. I haven’t seen her like 1.5 years. I miss her so much. One of the reasons why I see my teacher as a mother is, - her actions reflects my mother’s and similarity between them. ( not a facial similarity)

Why do you think I shouldn’t tell her about my feelings? Maybe she would comprehend my situation? It is neither disrespectful nor unethic thing. I respect and love her as MY MOTHER, what’s wrong with that? Why do you think it is not love? I love woman who has done a lot for me, not only education but also other topics. What’s weird with that?

Thank you in advance.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (25 November 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntOP, she isn't a mother to you. You need to get this into perspective. The longer you thing of this as love and not as platonic infatuation, you will not move on.

This is not love. She is not "like a mother" to you. She is a teacher and *you* allowed yourself to view her as more. I get it, OP - she's awesome, but you need to leave it at that and change your thoughts any time you want to see her or think of her as though she is a mother to you.

You know this is an obsession, so you need to get therapy for it, if you refuse to move on by yourself. You *can* get over your infatuation with her, but you're choosing not to by giving up before even trying hard enough.

What is your relationship like with your actual mother?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2017):

I want to thank you, who gave interpretive answers. But, the thing is I have no problem for spending time with my friends. I am spending most of my time with my friends, with my peers. I have great friendships and social life out there, my friends are my everything, if I love someone I would do everything for that person. Thats my soul, that feature makes me who I am. The problem is, whenever I trying to sleep, everytime she comes in front of my eyes and I start to think that how can make her happy, how can be she see me as like her son? I know its like a kind of obsession but unfortunately I cant get away that.

First of all, I didnt said that I visit her whenever I find free time. After classes finished I visited her only one time, and at that time she was very happy because I was the only pupil who visited her after classes finished. And I was trying to organizate all my classmates to visit her in order to make her proud and happy. However, unfortunately, except one people, none of my classmates did care and everyone was seeking a pretext. And that maked me angry a lot, because she was more than a teacher, she saved some of my classmates I cant say everything in there, but I hope y’all would get that. Me and one of my classmates would have gone to see her, but my friend got a cold and she couldn’t go to see her, that’s why I went alone to visit her. Nothing at all. I can control myself and I know that Im not going to visit her often, because, like you’ve said, that behaviour can exacarbate things - both of my shoes and her shoes. I geniunely love her and I dont want to disturb her, I dont want to get bothered because of my decisions.

@wiseowle, your answer has pissed me a lot, dont judge people that you’ve never seen and met in your real life. I HAVE NO ROMANTIC FEELINGS ABOUT HER, she was/is a mother to me. Most importantly, she has a great family, I would never think indecently thing like that, I’m not a pervert to hit on someone who is like 20 years older than me. Watch your mouth.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (24 November 2017):

Maybe you are missing home and your family. Perhaps she pulls these emotions out of you because you're homesick.

Do not verbally share your feelings, and certainly do not describe them as love. Your feelings are yours to keep to yourself; not to expose and possibly cause her concern. To be honest, I am concerned. You seem on the brink of saying or doing something you'll regret.

I strongly suggest that you don't. Keep your crush silent and private. It's time you grow-up and manage your behavior.

I assure you, expressing your romantic-feelings will upset her. They should. Not if you keep them where they belong.

Well, the most important things about becoming an adult is learning to be the master of your feelings, controlling your impulses, and keeping a grip on reality. She's your teacher, not your mother, nor a romantic-interest. Don't allow these "feelings" to turn into "obsession." That's unhealthy, and borders on irrational-behavior.

You are claiming they aren't romantic-feelings, but I'm not sure if they're not. There's far too much yearning to be anything else, my friend. I will even venture to say it's turning a little weird; and I hope she doesn't pick-up on that. She will, if you keep cropping-up unexpectedly; and if you seem overjoyed every-time you see her.

She has been teaching for years, and part of her experience and training is noticing and judging student-behavior. Teachers expect to experience student admiration, crushes, and the like; but they are also forewarned and trained how to handle these situations; especially when this behavior becomes unsettling.

In simple words my young friend. Get a grip!

Start socializing with young ladies who are single and closer to your own age. If you feel yourself losing control; stop visiting that teacher, and see the campus psychologist. Before she is forced to tell someone she is worried about your behavior.

You need to occupy yourself with other social-activities, be around people your own age, and stop hanging around that teacher.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (24 November 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntBe glad you've had such a great teacher who has inspired you, but you need to learn boundaries.

Lots of us idolise one or two of our teachers in some way or another, but it's not healthy to allow it to go too far - which you would be if you tell her how you feel or go to meet her again.

Stick to friends your own age and keep it professional only with your teacher.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (24 November 2017):

02DuszJ agony auntThis is infatuation and will wear off. You obsessing is futile, because she's not going to give up the family, the career she LOVES for an infatuated student.

If she did start anything with you, it would come out eventually and she would lose BOTH the above things. As someone who says he "loves" her- genuine love is wanting the best for someone. Obsession is stopping at nothing to obtain what YOU want.. there's the difference

We've all been there- at your age crushes ARE obsessive, with the extra hormones and changes in your brain.. the best thing you can do is like the first poster said, focus on YOUR life- friends, your studies, personal Development. There are so many beautiful things in the world, don't limit yourself to obsessing over hwat can never be.

Why don't you write down your feelings in letter form? Not to send to her- for YOURSELF- this helped me to get my obsessive thoughts out of my head, when i was in your situation. I repeat do NOT give it to her.

She will eventually catch on to your feelings- no need to put her in an uncomfortable situation.. take care

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (24 November 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou have been very lucky to find such a special teacher. It sounds like teaching is her vocation rather than just her job, and she cares deeply about teaching and about her students.

You need to put this in perspective. What are you hoping to achieve by telling her your "feelings"? Given that she values teaching so much, she will not want to put herself in a position where she could get into trouble and risk her future in the profession. If you pour out your feelings, she may fear things could get out of hand and distance herself from you. I am sure that would hurt you greatly and make you unhappy.

Part of growing up is learning that our "feelings" are not an excuse to do or say things which may harm others. She is your TEACHER. She is NOT your mother or a family member. I am sure she likes you as a pupil, especially if you are very attentive and learn well. HOWEVER, that will be where she draws the line and that is where YOU need to draw the line too.

Be thankful you have met someone who inspires you so much. You have been very lucky. Don't blow it by turning it by trying to turn it into something it is never going to be.

I would suggest spending more time socializing with your friends so that this teacher occupies less of your thoughts.

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