A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Im in a relationship of 3 years. My b/f is great in many ways but there is this one big problem. He wont tell his ex that I exist and I dont know what to do anymore. He has two children by this woman, money is very tight at the moment and I know he feels very guilty that he cannot give his kids all they deserve but this situation is driving me insane. If they need money its my hard earned money they are spending. I feel so used, I dont know what to do. we have just had another blazing row about the same issue. He tells me he only communicates with the kids mother because he wants to know how his children are and he says he does not need to tell her about his life, as it has nothing to do with her. I say I deserve to exist if he wants me in his life. It used to be so bad he would ask me to be quiet if she was on the phone so she would not ask any questions, or rather he would not have to answer any questions. Even his children believe the money comes from Dad. I dont like to see him upset when they ask for toys etc. but there are limits. THe other day he mentioned that she had complained that she could not find enough cash for a coat, I have no idea what will come next but im sure my cash is being spent on her. How can I explain to him how upsetting this is? I keep hitting a stubborn brick wall or im just not getting that he cares more about her then me. What shall I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): I feel where you're coming from regarding the ex situation. But its totally unfair for you to be raising another person's child considering you're not even their legal guardian by the decision of the courts. You need to talk to your bf about his freeloading off you inorder to take care of his children with his ex. I would be out the door if my boyfriend tried to pull some ish like that with me regarding his child which I hope he would never do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): That is wrong for him to not to tell her about you. He is a dishonest person. I'd put my foot down on this one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have no idea what I am getting from the relationship. I never knew i had such low self esteem. The children dont talk about me they have never met me and im not sure why i have this need for him to recognize that i exist. quite possibly because i feel so used and unappreciated. i want him to spell the financial situation out to her so that she can do for her own kids instead of expecting him to pull rabbits out of hats for her. I dont ever see us having anything whilst we await her next demand. Im told this is guilt parenting but seen as we cannot even afford children i expect i will never find out. I wish someone would kick me up the ass and convince me it will be ok in the end. thanks for your comments though.
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 Why does he have to tell his ex you exist?? I have to agree his dating life is private to his ex, the only thing they should be discussing is the children. Are you afraid he's still with her?
So let me get this straight, you are the only source of income in which your boyfriend is taking the credit for? You cave into his children wanting toys, well tough crap Christmas is coming up, and everyday living expenses. It's nice to buy them something for birthdays or Christmas but these aren't your children you don't have to provide for them when that's their parents job. Your boyfriend is taking advantage of your generosity..you need to buck up and cut off the $. He needs to stand on his own two feet and be the breadwinner for his family, not have everything handed to him. Next, do you trust him? If you do then stop wanting him to tell her about you, because he does have a point in what he says. I'm sure the children talk about you when they're with their mother so it's not like she's completely oblivious. However, if you are questioning the trust due to the fact he hasn't told his ex about you then I suggest you walk away from this relationship. Why? There's no trust, which is imperative in order for a relationship to properly function and the fact that you're a money tree for him and his kids..If you keep up being the provider you'll be in debt after Christmas. Good luck, make the right decision.
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (5 November 2010):
That would be unacceptable behaviour even if he wasn't spending your money. There's truth to the fact that it isn't any of her business, but the fact that he actually tries to hide it from her by making you be quiet while he's on the phone, etc is just ridiculous. It makes me question what ulterior reason he has for doing this. Let the other people said, don't let him use you like this. He spends your money, doesn't acknowledge your existence. What exactly are you getting from this relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): What the hell are you doing?! These are not your kids, why the hell are you letting these two raise their kids with your money? Are you serious like?
So all you demand is that he tells her you exist? I'm stumped, I just can't figure out how you would let him use you like this?
You know what's worse, this woman might be a nice woman, something tells me she'd be just as horrified as you if she knew that it was your money he was using to buy things for their kids. That's probably why he won't tell her. Because as her long term ex she knows what he's like and this would just be another one of the long list of irresponsible things he's gotten away with.
This guy needs to grow up, he's getting a free ride in all this. He has one woman doing most of the work raising the kids and another who's paying his share of raising the kids, he has to do nothing but turn up with these gifts and play the doting father. Hahaha! Forgive me but that's just insane.
He's got it perfect actually, he gets to live like a big kid with no responsibilities while everyone else in his life gets to pick up the slack. "oh baby, the kids need this and that, I love them but I just haven't got any money, if you love me then surely you'll help me out" aww poor guy! Haha.
Sorry OP I'm not laughing at you, I'm not trying to offend or demean you, but you have to admit this is like something out of a comedy. I bet he's charming and endearing about it all, I bet when he needs something he knows exactly which heart strings to pull to get you to give him money.
Christmas is going to be a great laugh for you. You can look forward to shelling out 100's of bucks to ensure HIS kids get a great xmas. Good luck OP, the only way you're going to stop this is by putting your foot down and saying no. Something tells me though he knows how to get you to say yes and you'll eventually to just cave in to his demands.
Life is good for him, he's got it all.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 I think you need to stand up for yourself here, and not give your money to him for his children, at the end of the day its his responsiblity not yours and he is taking advantage of your good nature. I would question why you are kept a secret this sounds dodgy to me and it sounds to me that he is a lot closer to his ex than he is letting on, the next time he asks you for money tell him no not until you can be part of his and his childrens life and so that they can thank you for gifts instead of him. Tell him you want to be appreciated and you dont feel like you are so from now on he needs to support his own children and see how his reaction is to that, dont let this man walk all over you.
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