A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex had a big blow up over 2months ago now, to cut a long story short, i think its important for fathers to have contact with their children, depending on the situation of course.I arranged for my ex to see our child in a contact centre, my lawyer said he is not happy with that arrangment and wants it to go back to the old way, where he picks our child up from my house.It would be better if he does it through a contact centre, then we don't have to see each other and get into fights.Ive just learnt he as broken up with his GF, which was why most of the fights happened.Another thing is for the last 2months my lawyer wrote a few letters to him, for him to get in contact if he wants to see his child, we didn't hear nothing from him until now, noe that he is not with the GF.All this time i thought he wasn't borthered about seeing his child when he was with the gf.What can i do, i really don't want to see him. I'm a lot happier that i have not seen him and getting on with my life..For months and months thats all he kept saying to me get on with your life.Why does he still want the contact with me now. When he can just have it with our baby. Can anyone shed any light to this, im really confused.
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female
reader, Polly Russell-Furse +, writes (25 November 2007):
 I've have been through a similar situation and have come out the other side. The pain and hurt is real because you still have feelings for this person, you are human. 6 months on you are still going to be feeling raw, but this will (i promise you) lessen in time.
I had to continue to see my ex and heed his hurtful remarks as I too had a child with him. Your focus needs to be on your child, you need to put yourself in your child's position. It is hard to accept what has happened but you really need to to this. You need to gain confidence in yourself again, you sound like an absolutely wonderful mum.
I know more than 10 years on, my child knows that I have never ever stopped her seeing her dad and that I've always put her first. I was the one on my own and he was the one who had a string of girlfriends. But do you know what, a few years later, I met a wonderful man to whom I've now been married for 11 years and have two more children with. My ex? Well he's still single, seeing a string of girls. I don't have any contact, but my daughter texts him now and then.
So the moral of the story is, keep your eyes on the present and the future and keep the past in the past. None of us know what is waiting for us round the corner, if it's not so good, we turn it into better and if it's great then what happened yesterday will pail into insignificance. What you are feeling is normal - but if you are feeling very frail, you must, must keep seeing the counsellor as it often takes over 6 sessions to move forward. YOU WILL BE FINE.
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): Dear posterYou have given alot more info now I think i can see where the problems are, firstly he left you and baby for someone else (hurts you alot)came back to see baby every week is this the emotional abuse as you had to see him? Then he assults you while collecting baby as you seems to argue all the time when he turns up? Now I know you say its important for him to see child and you contacted a lawyer to send him letters but this is making you ill, plus saying him seeing her in a contact centre thats like saying you can see her but under my rules. now at the end of the day this is NOthing to do with g/f infact she should not be involved at all as you child has a mummy/daddy so you could ask if this be kept between yourselfs.Hope this helps you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (24 November 2007):
 I was sad when I read the pain you're going through. I think this last post of yours gives us yet another point to consider if we want to help you.
Sometimes people are unfair and uncaring with us, and then we have no way to get respect from them. I can see that your ex broke your heart when he left you with so small a child, and then he continues to behave in an awful manner. Perhaps this is worse because no matter who you complain to, there seems to be no way to prevent him from hurting you time and time again.
He left you alone and with a responsibility to bear. He didn't appreciate what you felt for him. This is very hurtful, but it can also be seen in a positive light. Yes, you're alone, but that means you're free. Better alone than in ill company, goes a Spanish saying.
You are good and valuable, but he is too blind to see it. Let him miss out. If you let go of him and begin to build a life for yourself, he won't have that much influence over you. If you make yourself the center of your life, and refuse to be unhappy and feel defeated just because someone else fails to appreciate your worth, you'll become stronger and will be able to cope with everything. It won't matter if he is with this girl or with twenty others.
I can see this man needs some restraint from the courts and perhaps the police. Don't hesitate to make use of that if you need to.
I hope these words can comfort you and give you some light. You know you can always rely on us.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys I went to court my ex is agreeing to see our daughter in a contact centre. Because I haven't seen him for so long because of what as hapened, when i did see him all the hurtful bitter feelings have come back and to make it even worse for me, he brought his GF to court the girl that he left me and my baby for, when my daughter was 4months old.How many more times does the guy want to hurt me.Its not fair he is happy and i'm so sad because of what he as put me through, his still rubbing the girl in my face, and i really can't take anymore more, i have been strong, these last 6months or so, but i can't do it anymore.Everytime i feel i'm getting better there's always something that brings me down again and i feel like i'm back to sq one.I really want these hurtful feeling's to go, but i can't i'm hurting so bad. Its been 6-7months now.Ive spoken to friends and family and counciler but it hasn't helped.Need help bad, as anyone been through it, if so what did u do? I can't go on like this, because i have cut all ties with him..
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A
male
reader, Danielepew + ♥, writes (21 November 2007):
After reading your update, which very much changed the picture I had of what was going on, I have to say that perhaps you should not worry about why he won't go to the contact center. I would say this should be the only way he would get to see her daughter.
In this case, you do need the help of the police, social services, et cetera. He won't be reasonable and no friendly agreements can work.
I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (19 November 2007):
 Okay - just read your follow up - and now it puts things in perspective. If your ex is/has been abusive, then steer well clear of him. I understand that nobody wants to see this guy now, including you. Stick to your guns. You are offering him the opportunity to see his child. Just like in my previous reply - i set firm rules for these visits - and so should you. If one of your rules are for him to see your child at the contact center, then he should rather see her there, than Not at all. Speak to your lawyer - see what other alternatives you have - in regards to visiting arrangements, and put your RULES down on paper.
Good luck hun, i wish you all the best...
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A
female
reader, Polly Russell-Furse +, writes (19 November 2007):
I agree with Irish49. Also my ex was violent and I found it was another way to intimidate me if he could get me on my own. I'm afraid they don't think of the child as much as we do, so try not to let him get to you. If he doesn't want contact via the centre then he doesn't see his child - it's his loss.Take carexx
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A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (19 November 2007):
 Sweety, after reading your follow up, it's very, very clear...this is a man who has some very huge problems. This is good indicator to you, of why "he doesn't want to go to the contact centre" to have visits with his daughter. It could be a way to further inflict his abuse on you without witnesses. Don't allow him near your home...get a restraining order if necessary. If he has abused you, then it's detrimental you keep this temporary arrangement in place. The man is a timebomb. Your daughter is precious and she's defenseless. Protect her as much as you possibly can. I sure hope that her visits with him are 'supervised' visits. I urge you...to be ciourageous..be strong...be absolutely heartless when it comes to dealing with him and keep it that way.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (19 November 2007):
 It might have been helpful if you'd given us that extra information in the first place. The answers may well have been somewhat different.
Phil
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help. My ex left me for someone else. For the last 5-6months all he as done is emontionly abused me and 2months ago he assulted me. The only way he was going to see the baby is trough a contact centre. My family want nothing to do with him, after what he as put me through, and i don't want to see him for a long time yet.
All i was asking why do u think he don't want to go to the contact centre its better than not having contact with her at all. Plus he knows its only a temp arrangement.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Phil +, writes (19 November 2007):
Looking at this from the child's point of view, would it not be better to show as harmonious a front as possible?
Ok - so you don't want to see him and my guess is he doesn't particularly want to see you either, but why not let him pick the child up from the garden gate and return it to the same place at an agreed time?
I can understand his reluctance about the contact centre - that's too much like picking the kid up from an institution of some sort and probably won't do the kid any favours.
You don't have to speak to him, nor him you. If the kid wants to see it's father regularly, that's what I would recommend you do. Why not make the 'contact centre' the garden gate? It can't do any harm, and the kid won't feel so much like a ping-pong ball going back and forth between the two of you.
Phil
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A
male
reader, Danielepew + ♥, writes (19 November 2007):
Just an addition. I agree with Irish49's comment. One might indeed suspect that what is behind your question is a doubt as to whether your ex wants to pick up his child in your home as a way to see you and perhaps get back to you. You do mention that most of your fights happened because of his girlfriend. This is a sign of your interest in him.
I don't think he wants to go back to you. You need to have this very clear, for your own sake. It's just awful to hope in vain.
I think most men would agree that it's just awful to have to go to an institution in order to see your own child. Imagine what it would be like if you had to go to a contact center, and strangers told you when to take him back. Avoiding this situation is all that I can honestly see behind his wish to pick the child at home.
Once you have moved on, you will have to come to terms with your husband. I've been in a similar situation, as the child of divorced parents, and I can tell you that family matters should always be dealt with in the family. When the police, the courts or the social workers get involved, then someone with a heavy workload, for whom all the problems are just the same damned s--t, comes on with dirty feet and pollutes the waters. This person makes decisions that S/HE thinks are best, as an administrative matter. As in "you will see your child on Sundays; sorry if this year his birth day is Wednesday". In the long run, anyways, you can't keep a child in a contact center. Can you imagine a 16 year old having to go to such places to see his father?
It seems you are heartbroken and in a lot of pain. This is important for you and your child. I think you need to know where you stand. I'm sorry to say that it doesn't seem like he wants you back.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew + ♥, writes (19 November 2007):
It seems to me that you broke up in a very bad manner. I understand your not wanting to see your child's father. However, I don't think any man would accept going to an institution if he wants to see his child. I understand his wanting to pick his child up at your home, troublesome as this can be. Can you arrange for someone to be there when he shows up to pick up the child?
In the long run, you will have to come to terms with him. You have a child who needs both parents and has a right to see him both. Whether you want it or not, what your former husband does or says will have an effect on you, maybe forever, and, therefore, it would be best if eventually you could come to terms and make the best decisions for the benefit of your child.
Time will help, and in a few years you might perhaps sit at the same table and discuss issues.
I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (19 November 2007):
I'd be interested in knowing what type of person he is and why you both broke up in the first place? It would put a bit more perspective on this guy. Now--are you asking if his request to pick up your child at your home rather than the 'contact center' is a 'ruse' to see you, again? Are you asking us, if we think he's 'interested' in seeing 'you' again? In a romantic way? It very well could be, we can't say for sure. None of us can tell you not to see him again or to see him. That is your decision. But you do say, "I really don't want to see him. I'm a lot happier that I have not seen him and getting on with my life"
Ok. Then stick to those words and take a stand, tell your lawyer, he picks the child up at the contact center, as agreed upon and follow through. Do not hedge..you have a say in your life and that of your child's. Dear, you owe him nothing except the opportunity to be a decent, involved father to your child. And you are doing just that. Go through your lawyer and have your ex told...the deal with the contact center still stands. Now having said that, am I right in saying that..I am getting the strong inkling here you are still emotionally close to this ex, and you are having a hard time, breaking away from those feelings? If so, you need to work real hard at detaching yourself, emotionally, from this man. Completely and wholly. The only way, is to filling up with what feels empty in your life. If he's the type of guy that will love you and this child and support your growth, then I say go for it. If he's not, then don't. All I will say, is appreciate what you have right now, in your life and how far you have become. Right now you might be simply in 'survival mode' and could be allowing yourself to think about settling for someone, who will cause pain to you again. Think sensibly and use the head...always. Don't allow romantic notions to blur your good judgement. Good luck, dear
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A
female
reader, Mistify +, writes (19 November 2007):
I also have a child by a different man from my bf, and it can be a tricky situation. You have to remember here that it would be BEST for your child if you and the father could get along.
My daughter's father comes to pick her up at my house, and brings his girlfriend along.
It is NOW (after 4 years) a very good and healthy relationship between all of us. Her father, his girlfriend, my boyfriend and myself.
Maybe - if you are not comfortable with seeing him yet - why don't you suggest he picks up your child from a neighbor / or mutual friend / or family member. That way you don't have to see him.
I also understand how difficult it is to break certain ties.
I would also be upset if he didn't want to see your child for x amount of months, and then now - when the girlfriend is not there anymore, all of a sudden he want contact.
My daughter's father didn't speak to me or my daughter, or pay maintenance for 3 years. I then phoned him one day, and said that he could be part of her life or not, but i also set firm rules:
If he decided NOT to see her then i wanted him to legally write her off,
and If he decided he wanted to see her, then
A) He had to decide on regular intervals at which to see her (be it every week, every two weeks or once a month) and he had to strictly KEEP to them
B) He had to agree not to do ANY drugs on the days that he sees her
C) I would be present at ALL visits.
He agreed, and although it was very difficult in the beginning, i just held on to the fact that i was doing what was best for my daughter, and we are now at a stage where he takes her for the whole day - without me being present.
At the end of the day, i just realized that i will have to do what is BEST for my daughter.
She doesn't need to grow up in an uncomfortable situation where mommy and daddy don't LIKE each other. They can't understand that - and often they see themselves as being the CAUSE.
Good luck - and mail me if you want to chat.
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A
female
reader, Polly Russell-Furse +, writes (19 November 2007):
I went through a similar thing myself. My ex was only interested when he had no other girl on the scene. The most important person here is your child.
You are obviously comfortable with meeting at a contact centre, which is on neutral grown. Keep doing this and do not be forced into meeting him on a one to one if you do not feel ready to. This is more secure for you and a consistancy for your child. Your ex could get another girlfriend and then you'll be back to square one with the arguing and the poor child's routine would have to change again.
Stick to what you are doing, you know your mind, don't let him confuse you. The contact centre is best all round.
Good luck.
xxx
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